I’m Speaking at BlogU 2015 and I Have New Cards to Impress Everyone

Impressed by my new cards?

Excuse me – my new “I’m so cool I don’t even need to put links to my website, social media, or TracFone number on my cards” cards?

Quick sidebar – About a year ago a PR company saw that I had a big Twitter following and called a meeting. We brainstormed a few ideas on how I could write funny stuff for their clients. One of the clients was TracFone to which I immediately said aloud, “This would be a great campaign since I’m not a drug dealer. We could call it, ‘The First Time a Non-Drug Dealer Ever Used a TracFone’ and, oh by the way, do they know that only drug dealers use their phones?” The PR firm said that their client was well aware. I never heard from that PR firm or TracFone again after that.

My last blogging business card had all sorts of information about how to find me. There was an email address, a phone number, and six (say it again), six social media urls. Like somebody was just dying to click over to my Reddit profile to find out I consistently post to the Unexpected Thug Life forum.

Yes, the sad truth is that I’m on every stupid social media platform. I even keep my Friendster account active just in case Google Plus, Facebook, and Twitter are all in a plane together heading to Pinterest and Instagram’s house for a joint birthday bash and their plane’s fourth engine goes out and it torpedos right into the party and everyone dies.

The bottom line is that if someone wants to get in touch with me (TracFone execs) it’s not difficult. You just go to Google and ask it to direct you to me. But please don’t actually ask it to direct you to my doorstep. I have nice things and you might be someone who likes to steal. Just message me on Friendster, you nut!

So, why get cards at all if my latest version offers no actual functionality?

Because, my friends, I need them.

The good people over at BlogU have asked me to come to their conference and speak to their attendees about podcasting. And, if you’ve ever been to a blogging conference and not had cards to hand out, you will feel like a giant loser. And, dear readers, nothing is more important than not feeling like a loser in front of other people. I tell this to all children entering middle school. If you have a sixth grader who doesn’t understand that he needs to step up his game before next fall, give him my number and I’ll set the bozo straight. Better yet, give him my card.

At the conference, which is June 5th – 7th in Baltimore, I’m going to speak about why podcasting is a great way to reach a broader audience. Also, it’s way easier to make money podcasting if you’re like me and those damn TracFone marketing directors keep non-calling. Plus, it’s fun. Oh, and pretty much nobody who blogs does it.

As an extra-exciting bonus, we’re staying in dorms at a girl’s college which should be a great time since I haven’t panty raided in like fifteen years.

I think tickets officially go off the market in a few days, so if you’d like to meet me and you’d prefer to do it in Baltimore, this is a perfect opportunity.

Are we kindred souls waiting to be tethered? I think you know we are.

Come to BlogU and learn all about how to write better and do social media better and for chrissakes stop pretend-podcasting into that hairbrush in the bathroom mirror. I’ll help you.