I cried in therapy today. That is very rare for me.
If you’re not in therapy I suspect you actually think there’s a lot of crying that happens. And maybe for some people that’s true. For some people that are total pussies! (Am I right, guys?! High five!!) For me, what I’ve noticed is that it’s a place to tell the truth – the hard truths. I’ve cried maybe four times total.
My tendency is to run from certain types of pain. I have a wound that tells me there’s something wrong with me because I’m capable of much more than I’m achieving. Therefore, since I can do better, but I’m not, I must not care about myself enough to change. This only time I feel good is if I bust my ass to a near-perfect intensity. Since this pain and shame is so ingrained in my whole being, I have to run from it as much as possible. I call it the “avert your eyes from the mirror as you exit the shower” trick. But in my mind, I’m always naked, all day long.
A perfect example – I bike to/from work, about 45 minutes each way. When I arrive, I’m completely soaked. It’s tough. But still, every day, I’m just not going quite fast enough. Meanwhile I’m carting a suit in a pack and a dog on my back (that was a line in a Merle Haggard country song in the 50s called – Bike Commuter Blues). I never noticed it until recently, but I’m not even proud of the way I pedal. It’s just not fast enough.
After three years of therapy I can finally notice these unfair judgments. And since I can’t face the shame myself, I certainly can’t let you see the real me. Why, you’ll be just as disappointed and leave me!
So, I cried today as I thought about how mean I am to myself and how cruel that is. Then, my mind raced to the last moment I saw my now ex-wife, as she drove away forever. That experience solidified every fear I had against myself. That I simply was a huge failure and she knew it. And she left.
Now, that was nearly two years ago, but that pain is still present. I wish it wasn’t around anymore as I did spend a solid year by myself working on those feelings in groups and with friends. And I hardly think about her. The truth is, too, that she left for her own reasons, many of which (probably most of which) had nothing to do with me.
But sometimes those memories that validate my worst fears pop up from time to time unexpectedly. And when they do I’m not quick enough to discount them with logic and reason. They feel real, so they are.
I cried the other day in bed with my girlfriend, as she was up for the weekend visiting. I was laying in my ex-wife’s side of the bed, which I never do. Then, an overwhelming feeling of sadness crept over me and I cried while in bed, for seemingly no good reason. Can you imagine, you’re in your boyfriend’s bed and he starts crying out of nowhere? Then when you ask him what’s wrong he tells you that he’s crying because he’s thinking about his ex-wife driving away?
That’s a tough thing for your partner to handle. But it doesn’t mean that you’re not “over her.” It just means that’s what came up.
The old me would have judged the shit out of that, telling me I’m a bad person for crying about my ex in bed with my girlfriend. But I’m not a bad person. And I’m not hung up on my ex-wife. But the pain of someone leaving me is my deepest fear and causes pain.
So, I’m going to try to practice acceptance. Except that’s too big a leap right now. Currently it’s just identifying where I’m cruel to myself. And then trying to direct myself back to the feeling, and away from the judgment.
And I’m not going to beat myself up that this blog had no good jokes in it. I’ll be funny tomorrow. Three fart humor is lined up already.
dadblunders says:
D.J.,Therapy is definitely like that sometimes (not to often) where you have a crying experience. Luckily, for myself anyway, they are rare. I always dislike when something “triggers” the intense emotions like that. It’s not so much I don’t want to deal with the emotions, it’s more of the rare occasions it does happen are at the most inopportune times…..sighAaron
D.J. Paris says:
dadblunders Yes, at the dentist is not the time to start sobbing that dad never came to your little league games. Damn you Dad!!!!!!!!!! 🙂
dadblunders says:
tfpHumorBlog dadblunders Who told? Has my therapist been talking again? Damn him! I knew I needed to find a new one and fire him! I can’t believe he is still telling my deepest, darkest secrets on the internet!Aaron 🙂
TRfromRL says:
Growing up we’re told how high to set the bar, how we can achieve and succeed and accomplish and do whatever we want and we’ll be great if we would only just apply ourselves. We’re told the only reason we’re not meeting that bar that is set so high is because we aren’t trying hard enough…Essentially, we were lied to. Adults, parents, mean well, but they unknowingly set kids up for feeling like failures. Not actually being failures….just feeling like one. The standards are set for us, instead of discovering for ourselves our own true gifts and potential.So don’t feel bad. It’s not your fault you were lied to, just like the rest of us.The truth is you are good enough just as you were the day you were born. An innocent, fragile baby boy has turned into a grown man, and you’re just as fine today as you were since day 1 of your life. Don’t let expectations mess that up. We all have these issues to some extent, including your ex. You don’t need to be so critical of other people and yourself to justify it. This is just how I feel because this is how I relate to what you’ve said because of my own experiences, but you’ve given me some stuff to think about.
D.J. Paris says:
TRfromRL You’re right! I have a photo of me at age two where you can tell that I clearly believe I’m good enough. Need to get back there. Thanks for the great reply.
Kymberli says:
DJ, I think that you sharing things like this makes you seem more human and more real. We’re all screwed up in one way or another, and no matter how much we might like to present ourselves as these perfect, non-fallible demi-gods, the truth is that we’re just not. No one can be, and in all honesty, I find that I’m more appreciative of the writers who can drop the curtain and show us who they REALLY are when no one else is looking. You’re good enough, Delfin. You’re good enough to have faults, and you’re definitely good enough to deserve someone who loves you despite those faults. We all are. Except those assholes who hurt children and maybe anyone who actually thought Gigli was a good movie.
D.J. Paris says:
Kymberli BEN AFFLECK CAN DO NO WRONG.Actually, as a director, he’s two for two. Impressive!Thanks for all the kind words. I really appreciate and value your friendship. For real!
wilyguy says:
DJ, honestly this is one of your best posts, ever. We often try hard not to show the parts of who we are that don’t shine, but those are often the parts that identify you with others.As I wander through my own life and see that I find myself inadequate in many ways, I can identify with your feelings. I don’t cry though and yes, I think of myself as a little less of a human for not. WG
D.J. Paris says:
wilyguy Thanks, Scott!!! I really appreciate the kind words. And crying is for chicks, so you’re all good.
Kianwi says:
This post really touched me. Hug to you. As far as the crying in bed part, believe me, if you aren’t normally a crier, then your girlfriend was honored that you felt safe enough with her to cry. As far as the bike ride…I suggest you wear clown shoes next time, so you couldn’t possibly pedal well! Really, of all the things you can let go…let go of judging how well you bike to and from work. That fact that you bike to and from work, which virtually none of us do, is the part to be admired. You don’t have to perform at your highest peak to validate yourself! And, another hug 🙂
D.J. Paris says:
Kianwi Well, I already wear a size 13-14 and wide if I can get them. Already clown shoes.
hmcwhorter86 says:
I’m not good with emotionally-intense
situations, so I don’t have comforting or wise words to say like the
previous commenters. But I did want to say that I loved this post and
I related to it A LOT. Good for you for being so honest with
yourself, your therapist, your girlfriend and your readers. You’re a
much better person than you seem to give yourself credit for.
D.J. Paris says:
hmcwhorter86 Oh, I’m totally boss (nothing is more hilarious than that phrase). No, I am a solid guy, and I know all of this intellectually. But subconsciously is where the darkness lies, and the trick it, I’m convinced, is not to extinguish the darkness, but to bring it into the light and honor it. It is part of me!
redbone210 says:
OMG…I am you and you are me, except you’re a white, male version of me…We should go for a beer.
D.J. Paris says:
redbone210 Um… I only hang out with awesome chicks. Do you qualify?
redbone210 says:
tfpHumorBlog redbone210 Hells Yeah I do!
redbone210 says:
tfpHumorBlog redbone210 Hells Yeah I do!
D.J. Paris says:
redbone210 Yeah, but you’re in Ukraine or somewhere. I’m not going to the Ukraine.
redbone210 says:
tfpHumorBlog redbone210 If by the Ukraine you mean Chicago, then yeah…that’s where I am! wink wink
D.J. Paris says:
redbone210 I’m in Uptown – where be you?
redbone210 says:
tfpHumorBlog redbone210 I’m in Pullman – far south (15 min from Indiana) for those who don’t travel past South Loop…
D.J. Paris says:
redbone210 Ooh… Pullman. Hmm… Uh… Okay.
Craziness Abounds says:
I’ll be honest with you DJ. I think this is the very first time you have really allowed your true shrf to show through here. Way to go. Sometimes it’s nice to just well tell the truth about how you’re feeling. You don’t always have to be funny or sarcastic. I just learned this myself a couple of months ago. It’s still hard for me to share the real me but you know what? It’s nice to know that in this forum at least, people get it and it’s ok. Take care my friend and you know what? Cry when you need to. I think it takes a hell of a man to not only cry but admit it.
D.J. Paris says:
Craziness Abounds Thank you very much! I appreciate the kind words, and being honest about the hard stuff is, well, hard! But I’m trying. Thank you for reading (and continuing to read every day)!
ladyjess78 says:
This really resonates with me. I’m going through a divorce right now and I am honestly thrilled to be on my own again. It wasn’t a healthy relationship. But I sometimes replay the moment he left and I didn’t try to stop him over and over in my head. I feel like I failed by not doing anything. Of course, that’s ridiculous, but it’s still something I have rattling around in my head all the time. And that’s just the beginning of what I beat myself up about. I think we could all stand to be a little less cruel to ourselves. I hope you find the way. If you do, drop breadcrumbs for the rest of us. 🙂
D.J. Paris says:
ladyjess78 Divorce blows. I did a local NBC show here in Chicago about divorce – you can search for it on my site. It’s just a tough road. My recommendation is not to date for at least a year (maybe longer). Go to therapy, process all the tough stuff, and learn to be alone. Anger, sadness, fear, shame – all totally normal. Share your pain here! Thanks for being honest.
Natalie the Singingfool says:
Wow, that’s me. Cruel to myself with my impossibly high standards. Nothing I do is ever good enough, and I fear people will see that and leave me. This was like reading a page from my diary, except that you’re like my male doppelganger. Note to self: be kind to yourself today. That goes for you, too.
D.J. Paris says:
Natalie the Singingfool Will do! And, you really could be doing better. At everything. Just sayin’! 🙂
MsMeganG says:
Crying, my friend, is good for you. Understanding why you’re crying is even better. Now… you have to start reading my Miss Unlimited posts so you can learn to treat yourself better. We girls have to stick together.
MsMeganG says:
Crying, my friend, is good for you. Understanding why you’re crying is even better. Now… you have to start reading my Miss Unlimited posts so you can learn to treat yourself better. We girls have to stick together.
D.J. Paris says:
MsMeganG Remind me to smack you at the Non-Con. Oh, that’s right – you’re not going because you’re lame. Lame!!!!!!I had two awful but hilarious ideas for Miss Unlimited. I thought of the most offensive topics I could and came up with…”Save Your Butt For Someone Special (Like the Captain of the Football Team)””Nothing is More Important Than Popularity and Being Thin”/Moxie rejected both
MsMeganG says:
tfpHumorBlog Gah… I would have loved to read “Save Your Butt For Someone Special.” I’m still waiting for him.
D.J. Paris says:
MsMeganG Just to make sure we’re on the same page – you understand what I meant my that, yes? It was a literal joke. And one of the funniest, and most wrong ones I could write.
MsMeganG says:
tfpHumorBlog I know exactly what what you meant.
D.J. Paris says:
MsMeganG Wow – I was the one that didn’t understand. Ha. By the way – let me just say that I’m proud of your over-share. Well done!
MarieLoerzel says:
See your girlfriend didn’t leave! Keep crying, it’s healing.
D.J. Paris says:
MarieLoerzel Fine, I’m calling you the next time I need to cry. You have to deal with it from now on! Ha.
NorellLestinaShute says:
You are wonderful even when you are not funny. I love your honesty. I’m in therapy too & even though I’m female (the sex you’d imagine crying at the drop of a hat) I have only cried a couple times in 3 1/2 years. I am certain that the day I can convince myself that I am good enough will be the day I can stop going to therapy. I doubt that will ever happen because humans will never be perfect & I expect perfection from myself just as you expect perfection from yourself. Please try to remember your girlfriend loves you just the way you are!!! And so do we.
D.J. Paris says:
NorellLestinaShute YES to all of this! We are progress, and sometimes take steps in reverse. Just part of the human condition. The trick, like you said, is to get okay with where you are. I’m not there yet. Thanks!
JotterGirl1 says:
Wow, not funny but very open and raw. I loved your honesty and can appreciate many of the things you wrote about. Cry, baby, cry it’s good for the soul.
D.J. Paris says:
JotterGirl1 Well, it was a little funny, for chrissakes! Give me that!But thanks, I do appreciate your kind words! 🙂
inthemomlight says:
Apparently it’s emotional post (not funny post) day because I had an emotional post as well. I also cried today… I called my therapist after I started sobbing so hard I scared my baby 🙁
D.J. Paris says:
inthemomlight Hey, when mom needs to cry, the baby’s feelings come second. If the worst thing you ever do is scare a three month old, you’re doing great. And it’s probably the oxytosin flowing through you when you leave the little one. Totally normal.
GDRPempress says:
The kind of posts I’ve had on my “humor” blog all week.Funny haha, right? If you don’t laugh, youll cry.xoLove you, man.
D.J. Paris says:
GDRPempress I felt like the biggest dick when you shook my hand at the breakout session and said nice things about my tweets – before that day I never read anybody else’s tweets and seriously didn’t read even one blog. Then I jabbed somebody next to me and I said, “I should know here, right?” The person said, “Uh, yeah, that’s The Empress – she’s a big deal!” I also didn’t know Schmutzie, Dresden, or anyone else in that room. But now I know, and read everything you write! Ha.
Michelle says:
This is an excellent post, and sounds like so many posts I read from chronically ill folks. Since I have Fibromyalgia, I read a lot from my fellow “chronic badasses.” It’s nice to know that a healthy human hadthe same problems with trying to be perfect and failing as us sick folks! The one thing I have learned from being sick, and from my sick friends, is “do what you can when you can the best you can and forgive yourself for the rest.” Oh, also, if you would forgive it of someone else, forgive it of yourself. You are just as deserving of your own kindness as everyone else.
And while I’m dropping pearls of wisdom, don’t eat yellow snow, righty tighty lefty loosey, and don’t cru chicken naked.
Michelle says:
Sorry, don’t FRY chicken naked. Stupid ducking auto correct. *sigh*