I Wrote What YOU Told Me – Part VI

Tonight I asked you what I should write about. Here’s what you bozos suggested.

• EdmundofPaisley Wiccan crab-fishermen at sea.

First, I don’t think goth chicks get out on the open sea much. And, if so, I don’t think they’re big fans of crab fishing and eating kelp and stuff. I will say though, that their black eyeliner would make them look like pirates.

• ChicagoShells  Rahm Emmanuel’s dancer’s physique.

He’s a little guy. I met him once in a subway and shook his hand. I wanted so badly to rub the tiny nub but I didn’t have the courage. That nub. It consumes me.

• allballsitch  Sex after marriage. Go!

Depends on the mistress, I guess.

• smiles4train  How about Halloween bogus-ness?

I’d like to do away with sexy chick costumes. If I want to see my best friend’s wife in a corset, I’ll just consult my brain. I’m able to do that just fine on my own. Let’s keep it to scary stuff. Like goblins. I feel like we don’t see enough goblins every year. Goblins!

• longtallnatty  Definitely write about theory to vote for the best looking candidate. Totes logical.

Look, they’re both incredibly intelligent ivy-leaguers. Their brains are fine. Keats wrote “beauty is truth,  truth beauty” – What, am I smarter than Keats? That dude is famous. This time, lets choose on handsomeness and see what happens. I’m willing to try.

• throughdodoseyes  Write about….Jeff Goldblum. It’s his birthday today. He’d like that

I saw The Fly when I was ten and it scared the hell out of me. I went to see Independence Day with beers in my pockets (bottles) and I was sitting in the back row and one fell and rolled all the way up to the front. This was on opening night. I felt like I won movie theater Plinko.

• MIBeerSlayer  Grape Bubblicious Bubble Gum.

Any dialogue around Bubblicious cannot be complete without a short jag on Hubba Bubba. This was the Beatles/Elvis question of the day. Hubba Bubba was more manly – also dry on the outside. Bubblicious was softer. Both were designed to cripple pancreases. The flavors were inconsequential – well, except watermelon. Nobody needed that. Now I chew Extra. I’m old.

• nicosvox  look out the window and the second (not the first) thing you see write about it

Okay, I looked outside and the second thing I noticed was that two condos already had white lights hanging up on their decks. I’m assuming this is holiday related. It’s Monday night in Chicago. No need for lights. You’re not impressing anyone. Go make love to your wife and turn off the stupid lights. Or, leave them on and put on a show!

• Crystal Green   The day your life changed forever, …the how,why, and what do you like better about your life now.

The day I realized that the answers to my problems lay in sitting in the tough feelings I avoided my whole life. That and finding the courage to share my fear, anger, sadness and shame with other men and women who love me. I don’t have a joke for this. Wait… I must now go shave my private area since I’m clearly a woman.

• SewMoochieMarie Hmmmm…write about how little kids say words wrong and what would happen if an adult did it

If an adult ever said “Psghetti” I’d roundhouse kick him right in the taint. Also that crap about a “binky” – it’s a blanket. Correct that shit. Make your little one be the only three year old that says, “Mother, would you go fetch my coverlet? I need retire.” That’s way funnier than “wubby.”

• llhalsey lapel pins

Nobody ever has fun with these. It’s always the boring flag. I would put something wacky with an eye theme like the egyptian eye or a smiley face with the bullet hole above the eye or just a stoned, red human eye. When asked what’s up with the eye thing I’d just go, “I’s like eyes!” then laugh hysterically.

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Okay, there you go. We did this together. Thanks for the help.

photo credit: Thomas Hawk via photopin cc