I probably get four headaches a year. I think the weather has something to do with it, and maybe it’s a rain humidity thing. Who knows.
Note – I ended that with a period, not a question mark, as I don’t really care for the answer.
Bottom line is that I currently have a headache. I never know how much pain medicine to take. I know that gel cap shit works the best, but I only have the little red ibuprofen. Those gels are like the Chewels of pain meds – shiny, mysterious, fun, and they have a little sugary coating. Man, I wish I had some right now.
Oh – how much I take. Got off track there. I always take four. Since I only do this a few times a year, I’m really not interested in screwing around. I heard that this stuff rips open your stomach, but maybe that’s aspirin, and really, who’s using that anymore? It’s like whole milk. If you see someone pulling out the whole milk carton at the Albertsons, you need to carefully examine them because something is horribly wrong with them. It’s okay to judge whole milk buyers. I asked a priest.
I have a, shall we say, matured tolerance for medicine. This is part of the reason why I don’t drink, smoke, do drugs, or even take caffeine. I get consumed by anything addictive and then consume it in heroic amounts. For example, the four pills didn’t quite kill the headache. I’ll probably take a few more before bed. There’s no way you should pound 1200 mg of ibuprophin in five hours. If I don’t survive the night, you may all fight over my impressive collection of band aids that I’ve amassed. I bet I haven’t used a band-aid in seven years. Yet I have like 200 of them. Maybe we’ll give them out at the memorial service and you can wear them under your eye like Nelly did as a way to catch the tears that will surely be flowing.
Okay, I need to sign off and go sleep off this headache. Good morrow.
Instead of writing this I thought I would shoot a video of me stuffing a whole rotisserie chicken skeleton into my garbage disposal and turning it on. So I did it. But in the end I realized nobody would want to watch this 42 second video. It’s going into the archive vault.
Tiff Stauffer says:
I always take 800-1000 mg of Ibuprofen. Just eat a piece of bread or something first and you’ll be fine. Of course, I also buy whole milk, so you may want to disregard this advice as according to you, I’m insane. But really. Homemade mashed potatoes with whole milk? Nothing better!
D.J. Paris says:
@Tiff Stauffer C’mon, no more whole milk. Make the switch over to sweet potatoes. Out of the oven they’re way better than mashed. And add a bunch of butter and shit to them if you need to. I love the “take huge amounts of pain meds – but add some carbs.” I didn’t realize that worked on anything other than alcohol.
Tiff Stauffer says:
@delfinparis Sweet potatoes are gross. If you are going to eat carbs, eat the good ones! But really, scrambled eggs whipped up with whole milk? Mmmm, now I’m hungry. 🙂
Tiff Stauffer says:
@delfinparis Oh, and you do realize that butter is just whole milk that has been churned, right?
Katjaneway says:
I love how you said “taking caffeine” lol almost like “taking cocaine”, just more accepted. You could always try Excedrin. Of course, that has caffeine in it. If you’re gonna go overboard, as you say, it might as well be a double whammy! 🙂
D.J. Paris says:
@Katjaneway Yeah, I’m so lame I can’t even do caffeine, let alone cocaine. I haven’t it though, but I do hear the vasoconstrictive properties are impressive…
Katjaneway says:
@delfinparis I hear caffeine withdrawal causes headaches, which is interesting since taking caffeine is supposed to cure headaches. I drink coffee everyday, but when I stop, I’ve never gotten a headache. Mom does. She’s actually addicted to it that way. (on a side note, my Chrome keeps telling me I’m miss-spelling “caffeine” and as I’m looking at it, I’m saying “i before e except after c” and going “wtf”?) >_<
D.J. Paris says:
@Katjaneway I can’t even take caffeine, I’m such a spaz. No joke.
VaileyGirl says:
OMG. I hate those things. I get them from hormonal shifts, and I can’t see or there are jagged lines across my vision. Then half of my body goes numb- I kid you not. It’s as though my body is divides exactly into half, and one half will go numb from the bottom up- one leg, one arm, half of my face, tongue. I will take anything I can get my hands on JUST SO IT WILL GO AWAY. Feel better….
D.J. Paris says:
@VaileyGirl Okay, first of all, I love how your profile pic is that of Jenners, and you’re just dropping in, like someone sneaking into a photo unannounced. That’s great. By the way, she told me I was really handsome once. I blushed.
pippivaile says:
@delfinparis LOL. I <3 her! I just met her down in Coeal Gables, and it’s LOOOVE! (Oh, it’s me, VaileyGirl, but my work is an asshole and has websense so I can’t log in with twitter).
MissBatman24 says:
About 5-6 years ago, I took 6 ibuprofen pills at once and I’m still alive today! It didn’t even stop my pain either. I’ve pretty much lost all faith in painkillers.
D.J. Paris says:
@MissBatman24 You really need to go harder. I know a guy.
BitingLife says:
Uhh…. PLEASE can we see this video??
D.J. Paris says:
@BitingLife http://youtu.be/zNK5kFMcsrg
Andi Roo says:
1. I take 3-4 extra-strength Tylenol or store-brand-generic alternative (500 mg each) swallowed down with Coke, which apparently activates the ingredients more quickly for some reason. Might be scientific, but honestly I don’t give a shit cuz it works, whatever the reason.
2. Sweet potatoes are the fkn devil & you will burn in hellz for suggesting I eat them. Die, foul scum.
3. No one in their right mind drinks whole milk, so this is your only saving grace today. Otherwise, I’d have to stalk & kill you. Or at least stop RT-ing your posts. You know, whichever…
D.J. Paris says:
@Andi Roo 1. done. 2. you’re just wrong about this. 3. milk is pretty awful all the way around.
storksimply says:
Half is always better than whole… period! Better in milk. Better in half a bottle of pain meds in hopes of having half of a headache in half the time…and why??? Because half is better than whole. (you see)
D.J. Paris says:
@storksimply Was this a poem? Seemed like a poem.
storksimply says:
@tfpHumorBlog nu uh, more like a “ramble?” (half of one anyway)