Nope. It doesn’t.
Freshman year of high school I was in speech class working on a monologue about pet peeves. We each had to pick one annoyance and present it to the class. I racked my brain trying to come up with something that bothered me but nothing surfaced. I finally found one almost twenty years later.
While I have almost never directly addressed things here that piss me off, I have one that I want to share. My intention is not to make this a rant, but to point out the idiocy of the phrase, “Everything happens for a reason.”
This phrase has recently slimed its way into our vernacular. It was proceeded years back by its cousin, “Well, I’m not religious but I am spiritual!” Thankfully that saying has all but disappeared. Those rebels are all grown up, married, and accompany their children to Sunday school. But there are always a few empty-calorie, narcissistic phrases that float around at any given moment. Let’s examine this one.
When do we hear about everything happening for a reason? First, by well-intentioned friends who need a space filler during a painful experience you’re sharing.
—
Well, my wife discovered that I was keeping two mistresses and left me. I lost the house, the kids, and custody of the parakeet.
Dude, everything happens for a reason. You’ll see.
I hope so, bro. I loved that goddamned parakeet.
—
The other situations where this phrase comes up is when something great happens on the heels of a terrible past event.
—
Son, remember the high school homecoming game where that senior ran onto the field and pulled your pants and underwear down during your tuba solo? Everyone saw your wang and then the kids in the stands started chanting “Pube-A”?
I remember.
Well, I just got a call from the Music Director at Stanford who saw the video once it went viral on YouTube. Guess who just got a full band scholarship?
Pube-A?
Everything happens for a reason, Pube-A!
—
To be serious for a moment many things simply do not happen for a reason. Children dying of starvation, random murders, and natural disasters to name a few. If you have a reason that goes beyond, “Hey, shit happens!” I’m all ears. Imagine your sister was just sexually assaulted. After her silkwood shower you wouldn’t have the balls to try to comfort her with, “Something good will come of this – you’ll see!” By the way, that’s another phrase that needs to be shot in the taint.
“Everything happens for a reason” implies that the universe will take care of you and bring you to something better. But to think along those lines means you have to ignore the millions that don’t get to something better. Like the 20% of the world who lives in poverty. Nothing better going to happen to those folks.
I know we all would like to think we’re special to God or the universe, but if that’s true, God isn’t such an omnibenevolent guy. And if there is a God, I don’t suspect he interferes much in our lives. If he does he needs to reexamine his priorities and help a few of the people of Africa now and then.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t comfort a friend in need. You should. But instead of saying, “This happened for a reason,” try, “You can find the strength to move on.” Assuming the person is physically and mentally capable of doing so, this is a empowering phrase. And, in many cases, you can, in fact, find meaning in something terrible. Viktor Frankl wrote about this as a Jew in the concentration camps in Man’s Search for Meaning.
Why do bad things happen? Because, sadly, they do.
And when something wonderful falls your way, my suggestion is to recognize whether this was due to your own effort, others’ efforts, or simply good fortune.
So, let’s ditch the phrase “Everything happens for a reason.” I know you mean well and your heart’s in the right place, but you can do better.
By the way it seems like we finally got rid of saying, “That’s retarded” to mean stupid, which is a victory in and of itself. Next, if we can work on “It is what it is” I would be forever grateful. That one sucks, too.
photo credit: ! /streetart#__+__www.?.tk ??????? via photopin cc
NorellLestinaShute says:
While we are getting rid of trite phrases we never want to hear again, can we please get rid of – it’s not so bad, think of all the people who have (whatever disease is worse than yours is)?? I have a disease that is terminal for 25-30% of those who have it. It can’t be cured, but can be controlled once your doctor finds the right medications. Yes, lots of people have much worse diseases, but when I am not feeling well the last thing I want to hear is how good I have it compared to others!! A little sympathy goes a long way.
knightndaze says:
Another awesome one is, “the world never deals you more than you can handle”. Unless you’re, y’know, getting dealt more than you can handle!
Glad I’m not the only one who cringes; there’s hope yet.
Crabby__Hermit says:
I also hate the “Everything Happens For A Reason” line. On some reductionist level, I could allow that everything indeed happens for a reason, but the reasons are never located in the future. They are in the genes, the neurons, the black ice, the cigarettes, the failure to use birth control, maybe even in the flutter of a butterfly half a world away. But not in the future, and certainly not because someone or something is trying to teach you a lesson. Oh, and on a side note, I’m sad to say that “retarded” is still being used inappropriately, at least in my little red-neck of the woods.
bluenotebacker says:
Oh man, “It is what it is,” used to be my go to phrase and when I think about how often I said it I feel like such a douche. I’m NOT a douche, I swear! >.<
jackrossesq says:
Very well put! I also think ‘what you see is what you get’ in response to how someone acts is ridiculous.- JR
Katjaneway says:
Wow DJ, you are spot on. I do have to point out though, that I believe that phrase was invented to try and convince you to look at the bright side of the present. It’s much better used with hindsight. Since we have no idea what our future could have been without “it” happening, then we look back and say “because this happened, I now have this”. Because I lost my job, I now have this one I absolutely love. I do that all the time – look back and see what happened to me because this thing happened in my past. Usually, it makes me feel really good about things. But to say that EVERYTHING happens for a reason is a cop out.
Natalie the Singingfool says:
“It is what it is” is the WORST.
PunchAb says:
So what did you mean when you called me retarded this morning?
lcarilo says:
Had to be said, man. Now make sure everybody gets the message.
tidbitsofexperience says:
I happen to believe that “everything does happen for a reason.” However, I can understand why you believe that it’s been over used. I have learned through ALL of the heartaches that I’ve endured (and I’ve endured MANY forms of abuse in my life) that there is something positive that I gained (or sometimes someone gained through me.)
I do like your post, and do feel you make some valid points as well.
Juststuff3 says:
You spoke my mind….now for another one I can’t stand….’that being said’….ya, i know, you just said it!
Ellen at Defenestrated Feet says:
This phrase has bugged me ever since I dropped religion and the beliefs that came with it.
Instead, every time the phrase comes up I just think to myself “Why yes! Yes, it does! And the most proximal cause is A, and it was probably also influenced by B and C, though it might not have happened were it not for D as well. Reasons E though Z remain undetermined, but could contain…”
In essence, just take it as literally and scientifically as possible and pretend they meant it that way in the first place. 😀
paisuchi says:
From small stuff to the catastrophic life changing events, this is the line everyone uses when they do not know what to say. I wonder why there are wars, child abuse, poverty and debilitating illness.. do they happen for a reason too? I guess people use the line when at a loss to explain things.
Stephanie Force says:
I feel the need to comment on this because I fully believe in everything happens for a reason. It takes a lot of guts to go beyond a situation and step back, to see how everything connects. I don’t believe that it’s God taking care of us, hell at this point in my life I really so question if there is a God. As I sit here now, my best friend is in the hospital dying. I’d be with her now if there wasn’t miles and miles separating us. But everything happens for a reason. “Reason” as it’s stated here doesn’t imply that it means good. But it’s in the mentality to learn from the experiences that life gives us and it is in those lessons and what we do with it that comes our “reason”. Sure, it sucks balls that my friend is dying. But life isn’t fair. Surely there can’t be something good that comes from her dying and leaving behind her 1 year old son to a future of who knows what. But her life has influenced mine, I’ve written blog posts and a 10 minute play based off what’s going on. That must be worth something, right?
knightndaze says:
Stephanie Force I’m sorry your friend is dying. That’s really sad. But I’m pretty convinced she’d not dying so you can write blog posts and plays. Also, I bet if I were dying I wouldn’t give a rat’s posterior about some as-yet-unknowable reason. Lastly, if possible, please make sure your friend leaves messages for her son, and premake some for his big milestones with advice and whatnot. It’ll make an incredible difference in knowing that she did not abandon him. (From experience)
Stephanie Force says:
knightndaze I’ll be sure to pass your advice along. But the whole idea of “Everything happens for a reason” is all about keeping optimism, even in the darkest of times. I’m not trying to justify that her dying is so that I can write blog posts and plays, I’m saying that is how I’m learning and handling this whole experience. And who knows, perhaps the words I have written will go and touch the lives of others and give them something to think about or find comfort in. Life is a line of dominos. When one falls over, it hits another to then knock the rest down. Each fall is an event that has effect on the ones following it. Sure it may seem something that’s elementary, but that’s just the way I see how a tragedy can bring good in the end.
Katjaneway says:
knightndaze Stephanie Force I’d like to comment here and say although one shouldn’t SAY “everything happens for a reason” because really, that’s not a comfort to anyone in shitty times, it can be true. My comment earlier stated that not EVERYTHING happens for a reason, but if you look back on something to what you are today, it happened for a reason, did it not? The only reason I’m commenting here is because my fiancee died in 2005. I had just graduated from HS in 2002 with no college or anything, so I was working retail, which I hated with a passion. But we couldn’t afford to go to school or anything… we were barely surviving. And then he passed away. Because of that, I lost my job at Grocery Outlet, and was forced to move back in with my parents. Instead of them sending me out into KFC, they thought to help pay for some schooling for me. I ended up taking a 3 month medical billing course (which is all they could afford) and got temp work in medical records thanks to my newfound knowledge. That experience doing temp work in medical records gave me the slight edge I needed to find my perfect job. Now I’m working in a place that I love, and that never would have happened otherwise. Or, maybe it would have, but we’ll never know. I’m not happy that my fiancee passed away. I would give anything in this world and give up what I have now to go back and save his life. But through his tragic death, things turned out okay for me in the end. That’s all I’m saying.
Stephanie Force says:
Katjaneway I am so sorry to hear about your loss. That is the way that I look at it, the way that I follow the dominos. But if it’s the word “everything” that gets people, perhaps we should just start saying “things”. I’m sure the fact that I misplaced my neosporin this morning doesn’t have that big of an effect on my life, but maybe if not for that I would have fallen back asleep and not heard my alarm, thus not having time to get ready… but there’s no use in guessing the what-ifs of a future that won’t happen.
Katjaneway says:
Yes, it’s what I call the “domino effect”. I always think this way, even with simple things like rearranging furniture. “if i put this here, this this can go here, and that can go there, and then we’ll have room for this” type of thing. Maybe poeple just need to have certain logical or logistical thinking before they’ll accept something like “everything happens for a reason”.
Woof_Ghost says:
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sargoth_ebooks says:
@Woof_Ghost Everything that falls, must eventually hit the ground.
Woof_Ghost says:
@sargoth_ebooks Profound.
sargoth_ebooks says:
@Woof_Ghost Hey, @sargoth_ebooks. Are you mad at me for a long enough period of time, I hope people will recognize me on the streets of the