Being Blonde Never Helped Me

I am going to tell you the biggest disappointment of my life.  No, it wasn’t that time I was fired from my crappy first job out of college.  It wasn’t even the time my wife announced she was filing for divorce.

My biggest disappointment is when I realized that women don’t really care if a man is blonde.

Do gentlemen prefer blondes?  I would guess that in the dark crevices of most men’s minds (three-banger on alliteration!) during quality time they spend with themselves, the fantasy women are blonde.  If you’ve been to a strip club (I have never as I am clearly a man of Allah), you’ll notice that most of  the women are blonde.  It’s what guys like.

Now, I don’t think it matters in real life.  I married a brown/red, and am in a relationship with a dark brown.  In fact, only my college girlfriend was blonde and she dumped me pretty quick.  Hair color just isn’t important to me.  Well, except my own.

I’ve spoken about this before but growing up thinking I was unattractive was not a lot of fun.  When I got in my twenties and realized that some women did, in fact, want to date me, I honestly thought it was because I was funny, charming,  and  blonde.  I believed that the blonde part pushed me over the edge from “That guy’s really cool” to “I must have him NOW – scruples be damned!”

I just assumed since I liked the idea of a blonde woman, that women would like the idea of a blonde man.

But, you know what?  They don’t!

I have asked dozens of women over the years if they prefer blonde guys.  I swear to God (no, wait – Allah – whatever I said earlier.  I don’t re-read) I have never heard a woman say, “I only go after blonde dudes.”  Actually, they say the opposite.  I can’t tell you how many women have told me they never go for blondes, even if they were dating me.  It seemed like I was always somebody’s first blonde guy.

Which makes sense, I suppose, as “tall, dark, and handsome” is traditionally a woman’s fantasy credo.  I can’t tan past the color of my veneers.

Just to be clear, I do not have veneers.  I’m not  that  guy.

Women have told me for years how lucky I am to be in my thirties and still blonde.  But, if it doesn’t win me the admiration of the majority of ladies, then who cares?  That’s what hair is for.  I mean, I never look at my own hair.  I don’t brush it or shake it to and fro existing the shower.  Okay, sometimes I do.

Now, if you’re a woman reading this and thinking that you find blonde men attractive, I simply don’t believe you.  Here’s my proof – your husband is not blonde.  And if he was blonde and now is bald, I don’t consider that blonde.  He’s bald, so you must be into skull, not hair.

So, even though I’m as blonde as I was at age eight, I’ve had to use my personality and humor to attract women.  Which is a lot of work, quite frankly.  And unfair.

Should my girlfriend dump me after reading this post, I am going to die my hair coal black and take a lot of tanning pills like C. Thomas Howell did in  Soul Man.  Then, I’m hitting the discos.  And I’m letting you buy ME a drink.