Allison and D.J. Fix Your Stupid Problems About Parents

Allison Arnone just celebrated a birthday. While a gentleman never reveals a woman’s age, let’s just say this wasn’t the big 2-1. Personally I find that women improve with age (trying to maintain a straight face while typing) and Allison is no different. I would argue she’s become a more beautiful person as she’s progressed. Believe me, she was a real mess just a few years prior. Either way, like a dutiful partner, I’m in for the long haul. Or until she stop returning my calls. This month you wrote in your issues regarding parents doing bad parent stuff. We meditated on these quandaries, and our thoughtful responses are about to be laid as your bequest. Our gifts to you.

If you’re not familiar with our previous work, here’s when we took down employers. And another when we tackled dating.

Dear Allison and DJ, I’m jealous because my mom got headshots for reasons yet to be determined, and they’re GOOD. Like really good. And now everyone keeps talking about how hot and how cool she is, and I feel left out. Should I get headshots, too? How can I compete with her perfection? – Daughter of Hotness

Allison – Wait, wait, wait.  I thought moms were supposed to do that thing in pictures where they bug their eyes out (in fear of them being closed) and have sort of a shocked-deer-in-headlights look/smile?  No? Is that just my mother?  Well, either way, moms are supposed to look like moms and are certainly NOT supposed to be hotter than their daughters (YOU HEAR THAT CHRISTIE BRINKLEY??) so you need to have a SERIOUS chat with Mama Hotness about her looks, attitude and actions.  She needs a MOM haircut, MOM jeans, and she needs to dance like a damn mom – those are the requirements!  I didn’t make the rules.  Let her know that being hot is out of the question – that ship has sailed, and it’s your time to shine.

D.J. – Daughter of Hotness, this question could not have come at a more relevant time. Just this morning I received my new headshots for our company. Last year my mother had headshots made for her company and they turned out pretty damned good. And there’s no way I’m letting a woman of sixty-seven years show me up! So, over the past week I took a page out of the “how to be a runway model” guidebook and existed solely on a diet of hot water with lemon and a pinch of cayenne pepper. I fainted a few times, sure, but better to faint from malnourishment than the embarrassment of a double chin! Now, please excuse me while I gorge on a triple-triple In-N-Out Burger with fries and shake. I earned it, dammit.

I was raised by my single father. My mother ‘thought’ she was parenting me for one month a year. She is attempting to make up for lost parenting offering me assistance on putting in tampons, dating, birth control, and choosing a college. I have been married 21 years and have two kids and one degree. I’ve got this. How do I tell her to keep her fucking advice to herself without using the word fuck? She tells me it isn’t fucking lady-like. – Kristine

Allison – Oh, my!  :::clutches pearls::::  I just want to clarify that the advice she’s giving is for your kids, I presume?  Otherwise it’s a WHOLE different issue if she wants to teach her grown ass daughter how to put a tampon in.  Listen, I think there’s a way to avoid F-bombs here (I’m 34 years old and still won’t drop them in front of my parents) by simply stating, “you were given your chance to raise your kid(s) the way you wanted to, and now I have my chance so I’m doing it my way.”  *BAM, mic drop.*

But, um, if your mom does have dating advice can she give it to me?  I could use it.  Thanks.

D.J. – Kristine, toxic shock is more than just a great name for a punk band. It’s a real disorder. It’s also super gross. And dare I say, but I think you hit a jackpot. A mom so wracked with guilt from being absent during your adolescence that she’s looking to make up for lost time. I could only hope one day to have daughters and a mother who says, “Don’t worry, D.J., – I’ll tell the girls about sex and advanced SAT tips. You go crack a cold one and watch the game.” So, stop buying scratchers at the gas station because you just won the best lottery of all. A mother willing to raise your children for you. It’s the best type of personal assistant – free. Count your blessings. Also, stop swearing at your mother, for chrissakes.

I’ve definitely dated my fair share of bad boyfriends. But I’m finally dating a guy who is sweet, amazing, treats me so well, and we rarely disagree on anything. However, my parents are still not happy. Primarily because he’s 10 years older than me and about the same level in his career as I am. My mom frequently calls him a “failure to launch” which isn’t true (he hasn’t lived at home since before college). They’ve told me there’s so many fish in the sea and I should keep my options open for a doctor or lawyer, or something else fancy. How do I convince them that career status in the long run, isn’t a deal breaker for me? – Virginia T.

Allison: Interesting; I thought “Failure to Launch” was a shitty rom-com with Matthew McConaughey and Sarah Jessica Parker; didn’t realize it was an actual phrase.   You learn something every day!  Anyway, please explain to your parents that the dating pool is more like, well, a cesspool, and if you’re lucky enough to find a good guy who treats you well and is respectful…YOU HOLD ONTO THAT MAN.  Even if he cleans bathrooms at Petco.  Plus, most doctors and lawyers are douches.  Just sayin.

D.J. – Look, while nobody appreciates someone butting into their love life, sometimes parents know stuff. For example, I live alone. There’s nobody to stop me from walking out of my building with a cowboy hat and boots on. But I wish there was. Because I’m not always in my right mind and I have terrible judgement. I believe that everyone needs a counsel of people that are looking out for your best interests. You don’t always have to agree their consensus but, trust me, it’s a good group to assemble. I wish someone would have got to me before I bought all those damned lassos. And spurs! I have a whole closet of spurs for some reason.

My Mom will periodically ask me if a friend of mine who lives in LA could set me up with Bruno Mars because we would “make gorgeous babies” for her to play with. I believe she has an inflated sense of who I am. I am currently looking for work after moving across the country and to assist me, she has learned how to forward me job leads! For nursing positions in the area. Because I’m “good with people and compassionate.” What I am not, however, is a nurse. I work in Customer Service. – Brittney

Allison – First of all, LOVE Bruno Mars.  Love!  One of the best concerts I’ve seen.  However, Bruno’s a tiny little fella (5′5″) so if you *do* end up getting together, leave those heels at home, honey.   As for the job assistance, bless mom’s heart for trying.  I’d just gratefully respond, “thanks!” whilst ignoring the leads.  We all know what happens when we tell our parents that their help isn’t needed or that they’re actually wrong about something.  (HASHTAG #MOMGUILT)

D.J. – Hi Brittney. I don’t know what you have against nurses, but I find it offensive that you think they are somehow beneath you. What, just because they have to shave old people pubes on the regular? (My understanding of nursing is limited exclusively to elderly hernia operation prep work) The only issue I have with your mom is that she should aim higher. Meaning, tall dudes. Sure Mr. Mars is wealthy, critically praised, and a good dancer. But can he see over a crowd of people at a moderately congested parade? No. And would you even want to procreate with such a man and create another generation of tiny people? I mean, you could buy a lot of ladders and stuff to reach places. He’s got the money. Hmm… my argument isn’t really holding up under scrutiny. I’m going to bow out. (HASHTAG #TALLPEOPLERULE)

I have given my father 2 puppies to raise that my brilliant dog Gizmo gave birth to before I had her fixed. The only girl pup in the 7-puppy litter has serious ear issues and a bad infection and needs a vet. The issue could be fixed with some antibiotics and my dad has the money, but instead has been treating the issue on his own with ointment for 2 months now. The animal is in constant pain and I’m pretty sure she is deaf now. He could be charged with animal abuse and I don’t know what to do! He is a know-it-all kind of guy, so should I let animal control teach him a lesson? Or should I try and talk him into seeing a vet?  My Dad is 76, maybe he has dementia? – Leni

Allison – Was I supposed to laugh at the last question?  Because I did.  Not because dementia is remotely funny at all, but sometimes it’s a logical explanation for people who do silly things.  That said, this question makes me sad cause I love me some puppies and hate to hear of any neglectful situation or animal in pain, especially when it can be prevented.  I think you need to try and talk him into taking that trip to the vet or get that precious little pooch out of his home and in the hands of someone who will give it the care it needs.  I had a pug many years ago who went deaf and I assure you he was JUST as lovable even though he couldn’t hear a damn thing.

D.J. – Leni, I was married to a veterinarian, so I have strong opinions on the subject. Most importantly, I know this beyond reproach – you should marry a veterinarian to avoid paying veterinary bills. I’m not saying to go out and seek a mate that has their DVM and has been practicing for seven years. Wait. No – strike that. I am saying this. Yes, go find a vet and get hitched STAT (that’s doctor-speak for fast). I have a cat and dog and they’re pretty easy going and whatever and it still costs thousands. So, I’m not sure if Tinder has a filter for “small animal specialist” but I’d run a few searches to see who lives nearby and is lonely. As far as your Dad goes here’s what I would do. Have the vet euthanize him along with the dog in the same visit! You can probably get a discount if you push. Dad lived seventy-six years – it’s his time. Bury him out back with the other animals he neglected.