Allison and D.J. Fix Your Stupid Problems About Work

In case you didn’t see the previous announcement, Allison Arnone and myself are here to fix your stupid problems. First up is the hassles around your work environment. You wrote in, and we wrote out. Enjoy.

What should I do about a coworker who talks incessantly at my neighbor’s desk, who fails to recognize my “go away glares”.

– Annie

D.J. – Ah, cubicle life! Years ago when I was an office like that, I was seated next to a former beauty pageant queen. Not some county fair bimbo – this broad won a whole state and was even a briefcase girl on the tv show, Deal or No Deal. So, you can imagine the amount of foot traffic surrounding my workspace. Every dude with half a boner was coming over which made it difficult for me to get work done. So, how did I solve this problem? Actually, I didn’t. The owner of the company started having an affair with her. I realized that if all the other guys learned about the affair they’d stop hanging around because it’s common knowledge you don’t flirt with the boss’s mistress. I had my assistant spread this gossip to everyone on the floor and within a few days the visitors stopped. So, maybe pitch to your boss or someone in middle management or a C-level exec and suggest they bang your cube-mate. It’s the only reasonable solution.

Allison –  Yep, I’ve been there. When I’m trying to Google the uncensored nude pics of Orlando Bloom paddleboarding get work done, it’s super distracting listening to coworkers engage in a loud and stupid conversation nearby. Look, I think passive aggressiveness is going to be your best bet here. Sure, you COULD be a mature adult and say, “Hey!  Do you mind taking this conversation elsewhere? Trying to concentrate over here!” but then you’ll instantly become known as the miserable tight-ass at work who’s a proud member of the “No Fun Police.” No, you need to make your coworkers WANT to leave on their own accord. You’re going to have to pull out all the stops and do everything that’s considered an obnoxious and off-putting work faux pas: eat smelly fish at your desk. Whistle or hum to yourself. Don’t shower for a few days/weeks. Type so furiously and loudly on the keyboard that it’s distracting to your colleagues who are trying to discuss which dweeb just got picked on The Bachelorette. Unleash an angry swarm of cockroaches and watch your whole work area run away like Hell, leaving you to sweet, sweet solitude. (assuming you can buy cockroaches on the Internet; I don’t know… look it up). Either way, your coworkers likely will find a new location to engage in lighthearted office banter. You’re welcome.

I’m dealing with the coworker who refuses to do his work until after it’s due, enlisting the help of coworkers along the way, taking advantage of their kindness and fear of getting blamed if the project goes up in flames. As expected, he takes credit for all the work once every else busts ass and stresses the fuck out over getting shit done in time, when he is the single point of failure for the work not being completed expeditiously.

– Megan

D.J. – Remember Pliny? Yeah, me neither, but according to Google he was the guy who said, “Fortune favors the bold.” You need to be bold, Megan! Instead of fighting him, make sure your boss gets all the credit for every project even though he doesn’t deserve it. Sing his praises to the board of directors. Soon he’ll be promoted and you won’t have to deal with him again. Then, a week after his promotion, send a package to his house addressed to his wife. Include a pair of soiled panties you purchased online with a note that says, “Tell your husband this is the last pair I’m giving him.” Make sure to wear gloves and don’t include a return address.

P.S. Oh, and when you purchase the soiled panties online, do it from a friend’s laptop at a local Starbucks.

Allison –  Hey Megan! First off, I HATE that D.J used the disgusting “p-word” for underwear here. I’m sorry about that. Here’s what I’d do to the coworker who lets everyone else do the work while taking sole credit for it: continue to do the work for him, but do it incorrectly. Do it so incorrectly that it’s actually embarrassing and totally moronic and then when your boss asks, “Who worked on this?” this bonehead will once again stand up proudly to take credit and can be told how horrendous of a job he did while you all sit back and laugh.

I want to use every damn trick in the IRS playbook to avoid as many taxes as possible because I don’t want to pay for free college. I also don’t want to pay for a huge federal government. I mean, I can raise my own kids, thank you very much. My question: which are the best tax deductions to use? Also, what is Allison’s number?

– Dr Onamonapia

D.J. – I’ve already emailed you Allison’s number, so you’re welcome. Now, onto your tax conundrum. I did some research and how does paying 0% in income tax sound to you? Pretty fucking awesome? Well, get that hive-five ready, bro, because you’re moving to Saudi Arabia! Say goodbye to taxes and hello to Saudi Arabia’s picturesque sand dunes. The women are covered from head to toe, but I know you’ll be able to get those burkas off pretty damned quick with your silver tongue. Sure, they have ISIL and all, but hey, 0% taxes! But, just to be smart, get a one-way ticket.

Allison – I consider myself a relatively smart person, but here’s all I know about taxes: once a year, my family hires an accountant with a funny last name to “do” ours (not clear on the specifics of the “do” part). That’s as far as I go in terms of knowledge on the tax stuff. I ALSO know I get robbed every two weeks in my paycheck with all the taxes taken out so… thanks, Obama. (I’m kidding!  I LOVE YOU OBAMA!). I guess just listen to D.J and move to Saudi Arabia. I looked it up on Wikipedia and turns out one of their more popular sports is camel racing; how fun does that sound?!

Also, I’d give you my number but if you’re moving to Saudi Arabia that’s gonna be a LOT in long distance texting/call fees and I can’t afford that. Ya know, cause of the tax thing and all.

My boss is a raging, abusive, racist, crazy freaking lunatic.

– Pinky Tuscadero

D.J. – Look, I don’t know why you signed up to be an unpaid intern for the Donald Trump campaign. That being said, can you have him sign a headshot photo which reads, “Dear D.J. – I love your humor. You’re hired!” Get it? Because that was the opposite of his catch phrase? That’s funny shit right there!

Allison –  Your boss sounds like every guy I meet on the dating apps. Anyway, here’s my advice:  RUN.  Get a new job. Like D.J said, we’re already dangerously close to having a man who fits that description as President of the United States; you certainly don’t need another as your boss. Make America (and your job situation) Great Again!