Well, even though Allison Arnone is annoyed by me 80% of the time, she temporarily put aside her distaste to pound out another joint advice column. “It’s important for her to stay mentally active,” the doctors whispered to me as she was roaming around the grounds chasing invisible butterflies. Allison’s a lovely girl and we wish her the best. Oh, and here’s our first installment, in case you missed it.
This time we answered your dating queries. Let’s dive in.
I’m recently divorced after almost 25 years of marriage. I have a boyfriend who is the kindest, gentlest person I’ve ever known, and we are truly soulmates. Am I destined to fuck this up? I’m destined to fuck this up, aren’t I? Thx in advance. – Claire Baudelaire
D.J. – In a recent dumping to which I was on the business end, my girlfriend called me the kindest man she had ever met. Then she told me to get the fuck out. The reality is that kindness and compassion account for like 70% of a relationship. If you’re self-aware enough to worry that you’ll torpedo a relationship with a kind soulmate, then my advice is to stop listening to your brain. It’s not serving you. It’s okay – some people have screwy heads. And stop with all this soulmate nonsense. It’s 2016. Goblins and soulmates aren’t real things.
Allison – Ugh, I hate ever agreeing with D.J. but he’s right about the soulmate thing: that’s a silly Hallmark term that terrifies people into thinking they’ve got ONE single human counterpart out there and welp, better find ‘em or else! Anyway, the truth is you got divorced — which is shitty — but then you met a nice guy, which is not shitty. It’s the opposite of shitty, actually. So stop this self-sabotage nonsense! “Fucking things up” is not destiny or ‘in the cards” for you; it’s an actual choice that you’re in control of and you make. SO DON’T DO IT. I mean, unless you want to?
When should you start seriously considering the “If neither of us is married by….” pacts you made with friends in your early twenties? – Matt
D.J. – My recently deceased friend Bill had a great line about that. He said, “Never settle because what you end up with is less that what you settled for.” What a mind-bender, no? That being said there’s nothing more romantic that calling up that girl you used to pal around with sophomore year and say, “Hey, remember when I said that if I couldn’t find someone truly awesome I’d keep your number handy? Well, the day is upon us, fair maiden. Feast your eyes upon this CZ diamond! What say you?”
Allison – Those kinds of scenarios are adorable in rom-coms and in TV fantasy-land (”oh em gee! he was under my nose the ENTIRE time!”) but let’s face it, in real life it’d be disastrous. You should never marry someone solely because you’ve reached a certain age and feel as though you should “give up,” settle and end up with some schlub friend of yours just for the sake of getting it over with. No, instead you should take advice from fictional character Mindy Lahiri from ‘The Mindy Project’ who has the right idea when talking to her guy pal about this very subject. She said, “If we’re still single in five years, and we haven’t found anybody, can we make a pact… that we’ll kill each other?”
Now THIS — this is a better idea.
Issue I seem to keep running into. In the digital age, I seem to meet girls on dating apps, they’re cute, they’re fun, we exchange numbers. Everyone is busy so it can be weeks before we meet in person. Sooner or later over those weeks the conversation can take a PG-13 turn and we really start to be into each other on that level as well. Then finally comes the time to meet face to face and I’m discovering they don’t look half as good as their photos and their personality is way better when filtered through text and I’m just not interested anymore. In the reverse they assume we’re both 100% in and I’ve now painted myself into an extremely awkward corner.
How awkward? The last girl threw a 3 year old style hissy fit when she found out she wasn’t coming back to my place with me…..THAT awkward.
Advice? – Steve
D.J. – Steve, I can’t agree with you more. I tell every woman who’s single – put only mediocre pics of you on dating apps. Men are visual and we don’t like being disappointed in your real life appearance. I have a suggestion for you, though. I call it the, “What if it’s half-true?” process. When you see a 10 who’s chatting with you realize that she is probably a 5. Because let’s face it, Steve, you’re no 10, either. Imagine her half as hot. Still work for you? If so, book that date, Casanova! And if she ends up being a 7 in real life, holy crap! You were only expecting a 5. You’re a lucky man, Steve!
Allison – Couldn’t have just brought her back to your place and kept all the lights off? And closed your eyes? And envisioned Mila Kunis? No? Fine. I get it; online dating — and let’s face it, photo filters — have made it VERY easy for people to ‘false advertise’ on the apps and present a photo of a 2016 Bentley when in reality they’re selling a 1989 Lincoln Town Car.
I say we all work together on a new app called “Unfiltered Dating” — you can’t upload pics to your profile and instead, you have to use the actual camera on the phone. You know, that shitty quality, highlight-all-flaws, bad-lighting camera. That’ll teach these girls to stop using the Snapchat “pretty filter” on you! (Or that GODFORSAKEN DOG). Whaddya say? Shall we bring it to Shark Tank?
Hi Allison and D.J.,
After a good friend broke up with his ex, our friendship took a detour into a Romanceville. Now he is back with the ex and I can’t help but feel a little hurt and confused.
What do you make of this – just a hookup / fling or could there true feelings rooted in our friendship (and good looks)? How do you advise I move forward as now our conversations make me extremely irritated? – Friendzoned
D.J. – Friendzoned, if you were a man I would kick you square in the nuts and when you didn’t react I would say, “See – you have no balls!” But you’re a woman so that doesn’t work. So, let me say it another way. Dude got dumped. Felt lonely. You were around. He banged you. Chick he really loves took him back. Now, go inside and notice how you feel. You should be irritated. Livid, actually. You got used. In fact, go kick him in the balls (or hire someone to do this on Craigslist). Then, go find a guy that would never in a million years want to nail any other broad but you. That’s what you deserve.
Allison – Ah, the old “line crossing” between two pals. Is it ever *not* messy? In my experience it’s usually a big ole’ disaster and your question only solidified why. When two people have a platonic friendship, they don’t second-guess ANYTHING: they talk whenever they want about whatever they want and however they want. Then, if those two people happen to see each other nekked, everything takes a weird, awkward and uncomfortable turn. You constantly read between the lines. You’re now offended easily. You try to revert back to your playful and easygoing friendship style and can’t. And if that person DARE talk to you about dating someone else, well…
You gotta move on, methinks. Not from just the nekked time, but from the actual friendship.
Besides, it sounds like he already did.
If I’m dating someone, like 3 dates in, and we aren’t official or anything but we’ve had sex,should I bring up whether or not I’m dating other people? – D
D.J. – It depends. If it’s the guy’s biological twin that you’re also courting, I’d let that get discovered naturally. Twins are weirdos and have a natural competition thing. They’ll be hanging out together and both start talking about this hot chick they’re seeing. “Mine has brown eyes, too!” “I can’t believe yours is also named Debbie!” “Yeah she’s allergic to shellfish!” “Let’s see a pic!” When they both look at the portrait of you, they’ll have no choice but to death-battle for your honor. Whoever survives wins your hand. And you never had to have that awkward conversation!
Allison – You are absolutely dating. Don’t let them tell you differently. Change your Facebook status to “In a Relationship With [Insert Name Here]”, post a photo you took of them sleeping on Instagram with the caption “mine” and message every member of the opposite sex on their social media accounts and tell them to BACK OFF. No conversation needed.
Guys on Bumble seem to be on some kind of ego trip. They’ll match with you, but then lack the common decency to engage in actual conversation. What gives? – Christine
D.J. – Thank Shiva guys are generally awful at dating apps. It makes it easier for me to have success. Most people are just awful human beings and you shouldn’t date them anyway. So, if someone doesn’t have the decency to have a good conversation with you, move on immediately to the next dude. Eventually you’ll find someone like me who’s chatty and witty and pretty goddamned hot and is going to pick up his new Bentley today from the dealership. Oh, and I have a little dog, too. Women like dogs. Make sure to tell me about your food allergies because I’m making you dinner. Four courses. You can make breakfast.
Allison – I noticed this a lot on Bumble, too. Because women have to message first, it’s become this passive game for men to see how many hot chicks write them even if they have no intention of ever responding. That’s why I always opened with something like, “Hey Brian! You have 3 hours to respond to this message otherwise I’ll slaughter your whole family. Also, cute dog! Love Boston Terriers!” Sometimes men need a little push, ya know?
