Tag: steal

Last Night I Totaled The Free Car That Was Given To Me By My Folks

I found this in the street and kept it. I had to.

The same thing happened when I was sixteen.

My dad handed down his Merkur XR4Ti (yes, it had a double spoiler), and the day after I earned my license I smashed into the back of a Cadillac. It was piloted by an elderly couple on their way from Florida to Chicago to see their only granddaughter’s high school graduation. They yelled at me, but good. Old people suck. READ MORE

I Whipped It Out On a Date! (The Club)

I'm really mostly an AD-Rock

I did something uncool on a date recently.

When I was parking my car outside of her townhouse, I applied The Club to my steering wheel.

Now, I am acutely aware that The Club is not fashion friendly. It’s not as bad as producing a two-for-one coupon at Dennys on a first date, but it’s similar. READ MORE

I Wrote What You Told Me (Yep, Again)

It’s that time once every few weeks where I realize I have nothing to write about and pimp out my readers for some ideas. Here’s what you suggested

Doritos are the Skittles of the chip world. The first twenty six are delicious. The twenty seventh one will make you keel over. Hard. And when I grew up there were only two kinds, the Nacho Cheesier and the Cool Ranch. Two was enough. Sometimes you wanted tang (insert bad joke here) and sometimes you wanted cheese. They were equally good and equally destroyed your breath. Also, you can’t read eating these chips. You will destroy that leatherbound version of Moby Dick that, like me, you have on your bookshelf to impress people. So who cares I don’t know who Queequeg is? You don’t either. READ MORE

Chickening Out on New Year’s Eve

See, it only looks cool when hot chicks dance on top of the bar.

Last night I didn’t do anything for New Year’s Eve.

I am sad about this. I actually had two offers that I both turned down. One was from friends who, ever year, go to this huge gala in Chicago. The week prior I had decided against it. I get dressed up each day for work – it’s enough. Ha. Sorry to laugh at my own moronic logic, but that’s actually how I thought about it. Also, it’s pretty expensive for someone who doesn’t drink. So, no to that one. READ MORE

I Stole My Housekeeper’s Keys (So She Wouldn’t Steal From Me)

It's probably not technically legal to post this photo from her phone without permission but I want you to see the face of the woman that stole my Kindle, but not my heart.

A few days ago I wrote a piece about how my shockingly-English-speaking cleaning lady was a poor negotiator. By the way according to my analytics, basically nobody liked the story. Screw you fools. Writing everyday is hard.

I will admit it was a little weak. Ahem… READ MORE