Recently I took a writing class with The Onion and started reporting about my weekly submissions.
Throughout the course we were taught the math behind The Onion’s News In Brief articles, the structure and composition of those articles, where to insert jokes, and how to tighten them up for maximum funny. I posted a few weeks worth of homework here, and then stopped. The reason for this is explained below.
Each week we learned a few “funny filters” which are types of jokes, and then sent home to write headlines and an article in those particular styles. For a while I would parrot back what I did in class. But I thought better of it in week four when we learned “shock.”
For “shock” jokes you wander out to the extreme edge of decency. Then you catapult yourself off the ledge into the abyss of darkness. That’s your base. After you find depravity, then you have to figure out a way to make “shock” funny. Because it’s actually very easy to be shocking. I think we can agree that telling a story to a friend where you called a nun the c-word would qualify as shocking. The friend might even chuckle, because often times we laugh at shocking statements. It would be a cheap laugh, however because it isn’t particularly funny. Nor is it an insightful or intelligent critique of society. Satire is The Onion’s goal, which means you must have a point of view.
Years ago I was walking with a girlfriend and we saw a nun running at full speed down the street on the sidewalk, wearing a habit. I asked, “You know why nuns are able to run so fast? Because they’re always being chaste.” It’s a dumb pun, but I like dumb puns so go jump in a lake.
To be able to complete the shock homework your mind has to go to some dark places. And mine did. The good news is that I was in a class filled with humor writers who have no boundaries. You were allowed to say pretty much anything without judgement. But this is a public blog. I wrote some truly terrible things for that exercise. I can share a few of what was submitted, but I won’t post everything. I think the reason for this is obvious. Some readers would get offended. And rightfully so. So I ain’t sharing it, because I don’t need the hate on Twitter.
Well, I’ll share two – these were the least disgusting headlines I penned.
- Apple Watch 85% Accurate Predicting Diabetes And 100% Accurate Predicting Nerds
- Valentine’s Day Difficult For Nation’s Unlovable Residents
I’m also willing to post my article because I think you can handle it. Excuse the timing issue as this was completed in mid-February and the article is a goof on the Super Bowl.
I guess the following article could be offensive to Philadelphia residents, but screw them. They know where they live.
Fictional Character Rocky No Longer Philadelphia’s Greatest Achievement
PHILADELPHIA-Fresh off last Sunday’s Super Bowl upset victory, the Philadelphia Eagles have dethroned fictional boxer Rocky Balboa as the city’s single greatest achievement, marking the first time anything noteworthy has occurred in Philadelphia since the movie’s release back in 1976. “Look, for the last 30 years we’ve been known for Rocky, cheesesteaks, the Liberty Bell, and quite honestly, that was it on the positive side of the ledger,” revealed mayor Jim Kenney, adding that the parade for the football players should be a historic city moment and that he hoped the residents would stop destroying the city in a drunken victorious rampage long enough to enjoy the event. “We also boast the most number of A.A. meetings per capita in the U.S., but we try to keep that quiet,” noted Kenney before wincing a moment later as he had forgotten this was an on the record interview.
A few weeks ago I started a humor writing class with The Onion.
In this course we are taught about satire and how The Onion approaches comedy. The publication is known for its sharp, pithy headlines and these headlines are the primary focus of the class. Headlines, in fact, are so important, it’s how The Onion selects articles for publication. Every week hundreds of headlines are submitted by editors and five or so articles emerge from that list. Their very best writers only have about a 1 in 50 chance of their headline becoming an article. We are asked each week to bring our ten best headlines and one article to be evaluated by classmates and instructor.
I was pleased with my work in week one. The jokes went over in most cases, and I felt that I had the knack to keep knocking out decent work in subsequent sessions. This proved more difficult than I had anticipated. In week one it only took two hours to write fifty headlines. The reason to write fifty is that forty are bound to be terrible. For example I am 100% in love with this headline:
Study Finds Camels Who Smoke Prefer Kools
I’m clear that there’s not one person on the planet that will share my love of that headline. It’s dumb. So there’s no way I can submit it in class unless I’m interested in sucking all of out the funny of the room. And since I care very much what others think of me, I wouldn’t include that in my final list.
But still, two hours of work got me ten decent headlines which performed well in class. However, this past week, I spent ten hours to generate that same output. I’m not sure why it took three times longer, but I can tell you it was frustrating. When I whittled down my list of fifty, I wasn’t pleased with the final ten. By my estimate, only five of the ten were winners. And, I guess if I had put in another ten hours maybe I would have perfected all of them, but I don’t have that kind of time. Peaky Blinders doesn’t watch itself.
One bright spot was that my article came out stronger than last week. Read aloud in class most of the students didn’t laugh at the story, but that’s because I don’t think they understood the reference. My teacher thought it was good, and she’s the expert.
For your reading enjoyment (or non-enjoyment), here’s my submitted list, warts and all.
– Headlines –
- Alexa Always Listening, Silently Judging
- Man Encouraged Not To Ask Wife To Pick Up Dinner On Way Home From Women’s March
- Guy At Work Who Brags About Never Getting Sick Needs to Shut The Fuck Up
- Megyn Kelly Surprisingly Proud of Taking Down 80 Year Old Woman
- Local Man “Pretty Sure” Ex-Girlfriend Is Still Using His Netflix Account
- Multicolored Mystery Stain on Presenter’s Pant Leg Derails Corporate Meeting
- Gayle King Cancels “Gayle for VEEP” Bumper Sticker Order With A Deep Sigh
- First Monkey Successfully Cloned, Ready to Throw Feces At Zoo Patrons
- Shirtless Selfie Guy On Tinder Believes Best Photography Lighting In Bathroom
– Article –
Gwyneth Paltrow Re-Signs With Satan
LOS ANGELES, CA—A joint press release today announced that Goop CEO Gwyneth Paltrow and Lucifer have renewed their business partnership through 2023, with promises to continue to bring morally and ethically bankrupt products to Goop readers. “Goop is proud to keep working alongside the prince of darkness, or as we like to call him around the office, ‘the prince of profit!'” Paltrow joked, also noting that the success of Goop’s vaginal egg line, coffee enema cleanse kits, and frog venom antibiotics were entirely conceived and developed by the ruler of demons. “I’ve got a lot of ideas for new products that are both criminally dangerous to mind and spirit, and hilariously overpriced,” the fallen angel revealed with a smile, noting that Goop readers are always willing to put themselves at great personal risk while shelling out hundreds of dollars for incredibly stupid items.
In April 1992 I fell in love with National Lampoon Magazine.
I bought my first issue at a local drugstore and raced home, excited to find out if this would be a worthy successor to my Mad Magazine fascination as a child. I had matured, albeit slightly, and was seeking a more sophisticated type of funny. I found it in National Lampoon. I decided after reading the issue that I would make it a life’s goal to write something worthy of the magazine’s inclusion. The problem was that as a sophomore in high school, I had never written anything. Plus, I was unfunny. Oh, and the National Lampoon quit publishing about a year later. I shelved the dream of being a writer and re-focused my efforts on trying to bone senior Ashley Ripley who once smiled at me in homeroom, to which I assumed meant she wanted this (note – pointing currently at self). She didn’t.
About seven years ago I started ThoughtsFromParis because I figured I would DIY the dream of being a humor writer. Which sort of worked for the first few posts but then I ran out of stories. I knew that if I was going to continue I would need to talk more about myself. My blog became less about hilarious stories and more about finding the chuckle of everyday life. I have a normal job and not too much crazy happens to me on the regular.
After many years of writing about myself I feel that I have developed a strong skill set in this type of writing. But it’s never been what I wanted to do creatively. My dream was always to make up funny and outrageous stories that weren’t about me. Thankfully, some old National Lampoon editors have revived the idea with the hilarious print magazine American Bystander, and I’m close to submitting my first piece, which (at least the title) was well received by their editor in chief.
I also realized, in trying to complete the Bystander article, that I have very little ability in writing anything other than in the style of this dumb blog. I reached out to my friend Tim O’Malley for advice. Tim is one of the big-deals at Second City and knows what to do about such matters. He recommended a class that The Onion developed in partnership with Second City. I signed up immediately.
Over the remainder of this writing course I’ll be honing skills on how to write headlines and articles in the style of The Onion’s humor. Each week we submit ten headlines and one article to be evaluated and discussed by the professor and students. As a blogger, I’m not used to instant feedback. If I think something is good, I write it and click publish. Being in this class I’ve learned that not everything I pen resonates with other human beings. Watching something I’ve written fall flat in a room of other funny people is humbling and humiliating. It’s also a lot of fun.
Because I’m putting a ton of energy into this class I thought it might be interesting to post my weekly submissions. Please understand I know not all of these are winners. To get to ten headlines, I write close to fifty and edit down. I then take the strongest one of the ten and write a full article. This first batch was presented to the class the other night, and most of them were well-received.
By the way, these headlines and articles are in a very specific Onion style, called News in Brief.
– Headlines –
- Neighborhood Rabid Raccoon Wondering When Persecution Will End
- Study Finds Dogs Prefer Organic GMO-Free Kibble – Also Garbage
- Man Bravely Reheats Last Night’s Salmon Scaloppini In Company Microwave
- Chipotle CEO Admits He Has No Idea What Barbacoa Is
- Old Country Buffet in Shreveport Snubbed By Michelin. Again.
- Actual Shithole Countries Excited To Be In News
- Local Area Sexual Harasser Thrilled He’s Not A Celebrity These Days
- Study Finds High School Sex Down 44% – Teen Skanks Devastated
- Whole 30 Promises to Be Next Diet You Fail At
– Article –
Kevin Spacey Fan Club President Undeterred That Membership Is Down 8000%
SIOUX CITY, IA—Despite numerous shocking sexual abuse allegations against Hollywood actor Kevin Spacey, acting 2018 president of the a-lister’s fan club, Sherman Phillips, remains steadfast in supporting the celebrity through a fan-site and monthly print newsletter. “2017 was a tough year for our organization. Most of the management resigned, along with 97% of members,” Phillips said alluding to the actor’s troubles in the press, adding that they have begun selling rubber bracelets inscribed with WWFUD – What Would Frank Underwood Do in order to raise funds to keep the organization solvent. “Those [bracelets] are not selling well. However, we have a K-PAX temporary tattoo coming out next month which I believe will be a big hit with our remaining members.” When asked about the morality of keeping such a fan club active, Phillips deflected by launching into an impression of Spacey’s character from Glengarry Glen Ross where Spacey yells repeatedly at Alan Arkin to go to lunch.
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