When is the last time you saw your father naked? I’m going to bet, for most of you, this is not an easy question to answer. Not because of the subject matter, but because you can’t quite remember a time when this happened.
Up until about a month ago, I was right there with you. If pressed, I supposed I would have answered something like you, which is:
Hmm… I guess I remember seeing once as a little kid. I sort of remember taking a shower with him and noticing it, but it’s kind of fuzzy. Why are you asking anyway? Gross!
So, it’s not like I could draw it from memory or anything. I can hardly draw my own from memory. And I’m pretty familiar with it.
After the story I’m about to share where I saw my father’s dick, I was reminded of a second story involving my father and his penis. I didn’t feel like this would be an ongoing series where I relayed constant anecdotes about dad’s privates. I only have two.
So, let’s knock ’em out and move on.
If That Shirt Bounces Any Higher, I’m Going to See…
Shit – It Just Went Higher
Our family recently went to Las Vegas. My mom had a conference out there for work, and she invited the whole family. My sister and her boyfriend flew out from New York which meant we really only needed two rooms. I would share with my mom and dad, and Dana and Al would get the other room.
Las Vegas is just not my kind of town. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a lot to do – golfing, gambling, shows, restaurants, etc. But even the nice places seem gaudy to me. I remember walking around our hotel, which is considered one of the nicest on the strip, and thinking, “This still looks wrong to me. Like they’re trying too hard.”
But hey, I’m not a gambler, I don’t care about sports, and I don’t often go to nightclubs. So, I guess it’s not the ideal place for me to visit.
I’m not complaining, however. The pools were amazing, and they even allowed toplessness, which is never a bad thing for these eyes.
Also, I saw the Beatles’ Cirque du Soleil show, which was really the best thing I’ve ever witnessed live.
Okay, now that I’ve sufficiently bored you with context, let’s get to why you’re reading this – my dad’s dong.
Dad and I had just finished a round of golf. It was a 102 degrees during the round, which is hot even without humidity. Four hours in that heat even when you’re not sweating is kind of rough. By the way, here’s a quick tip my dad taught me. In that sort of weather, when you finish the ninth hole, do NOT go inside the clubhouse for any reason. If you have to pee, visit a cactus. Food or beer? Wait for the cart-girl to come by.
Sidenote – Ever notice that, on average, a cart-girl ranks at least an eight on the hotness meter? They’re almost always drop-dead gorgeous. If any are reading this (they aren’t), then hit me up for a date. I’m buying.
Back to the tip – if you don’t go inside after the ninth hole, you’ll be fine for the next nine holes. If you go in the clubhouse even for a moment, you’re done. Consider the rest of the round to be miserable.
Now let’s jump out of this two leveled digression I just made you sit through.
We get back to the hotel, and it’s shower time. Since my folks are springing for the room, it would only seem respectful to allow my father to jump in the shower before me.
I head over to the computer to check my email. As I look up after a few minutes, I see my dad, in a state of undress that is unusual and alarming.
Unusual because I’ve never seen it before. He’s standing adjacent from me, a profile view, about eight feet away wearing only a polo shirt. Nothing else.
He has his phone in his hands – one hand is constantly swiping the screen from right to left. I guess with his phone that’s how you navigate through emails.
His genitals are barely covered by the hem of the shirt, and with each swipe, the shirt raises a little with a short bounce. This is why I mentioned alarming earlier. But it was a controlled bounce, just high enough to cover his junk. I’m telling you, not a millimeter higher or you’ve got balls.
I don’t want to sound like a weirdo, but there was no chance I was looking away. And he must have had like thirty emails, because he was swiping every three seconds.
And then, he must have seen something that either angered him or overjoyed him. All I know is he swiped a little harder than he had been previously, and the shirt jumped up three inches higher. I saw it. IT.
Now, as soon as the penis was presented, I did, in fact, look away. I was pleased and instantly satisfied with myself that my instinctual reaction was that of flight. Two seconds later, I did look back, and the shirt was back to it’s original position, covering his essence.
I didn’t say anything, because clearly this was not his problem. My father apparently is not one to feel the shame of nakedness, and has no problem standing in a hotel room with his son wearing just a polo shirt exposing his dork.
I went back to my computer, processing silently what I had just witnessed. But here was my issue – I had a growing, gnawing thought that wasn’t going away.
I did not like what I had just seen.
“Of course not, D.J.! You just saw your father naked! That’s awful!”
I’m not talking about my feeling about the appropriateness of seeing a parent’s genitals. That’s another discussion.
I’m referring to more of the objective assessment of what I had just seen.
Now, granted I only got a millisecond’s view. But something was bothering me. I had to ask my mother who was now getting dressed.
Dad had since retired to the shower, and had closed the door to the bathroom.
I whispered, “Mom – psst! umm… This is a really odd question to ask, but umm… ahem… Dad is circumcised, right?”
My mother looks at me for a good five Mississippi before replying.
“Hmm… I – I think so.”
I felt it was important to tell her that I just saw his cock and balls, and it could have just been my imagination, but something seemed off about them.
She looked at me, as if she were about to ask me to explain more about what I had just said. Her eyes were scanning me trying to make sense of my question. But instead…
“Hey Del!” my mother yells through the door, “You’re circumcised, right?”
Another five Mississippi.
“Yeah!”
That was it. The end of this entire story. I’d love to say my father got out of the shower, ran into the room and asked his wife why, after nearly forty years of marriage, she didn’t know he was circumcised, but that’s not what happened.
He got out of the shower, put on his trunks (thankfully in the bathroom), and we went to the pool. Had a good time, too.
Part II Coming Soon – “You Do What To Your What?”
And yes, I’m quite aware of the irony of calling this story “Two Stories About My Dad’s Dick” and only providing you with one story. Sorry.
UPDATE – Part II is completed!
Justin says:
Oh my that is an exceptionally funny story. I’ve been laughing out loud for about a minute. I can’t wait to see your father again. I know he republished this story, but that is classic.
It reminds me when Brian Gould, Marc Pallagallo and I were watching a move and We hear my dad shuffling down the hallway only to appear in a vneck tshirt and a pair of holy old tidy whiteys that i am sure were being worn during the Nixon administration. When I reponded “dad, Jesus I have friends over”, he took a slug of milk out of the carton(why he was in the kitchen) grunted and walked back to bed.
Gutmeister says:
All I could think about the whole time was Tim Allen’s old routine about having to take a pee with your dad when you were a kid and dad unrolling the “dick of death”. This is horrifyingly great stuff!
D.J. Paris says:
Hilarious. I remember that routine. Ha!
Jana says:
Just so you know, I’m a cart girl at a local golf course and have been laughing out loud at your posts for the last half hour. See? Cart girls read your blog!
D.J. Paris says:
Then I assume you’re hot. Well done on being hot!
Mama Laughlin says:
hahaha. greatness.
D.J. Paris says:
Thanks, Mama! Only two years late replying to this!
travntans says:
It’s telling that your most read list starts off with a story bout your dad’s…unmentionables…and that I clicked to read through. It just sounded like a Dane Cook joke.
D.J. Paris says:
@travntans Since most of the country thinks Dane Cook to be a huge douche, I’m taking it that you’re not a fan. Ha.
travntans says:
@delfinparis I think he’s terribly crass and … hilarious. I am definitely a fan.
LilBeth says:
Is that a pic of your dad? Because, yes I might sorta want to see the bottom half of that photo. 😉
Kidding aside, I’m liking your blog!
D.J. Paris says:
@LilBeth No, not my dad. Ha.
rebecca odonnell says:
My ex father-in-law is an uber fundamentalist Christian, right wing militant hater of all not of his ilk. This must be understood before I continue with my comment. When my son was four years old, we flew into Illinois for a visit with Grandpa and the rest of the aryan relatives. UFC Grandpa was there to pick us up. He and I hadn’t been really comfortable with each other since I told him something unflattering about Jerry Falwell and hell. My son had to go to the bathroom, so Grandpa took him into the airport men’s room. When they came out, my son was round-eyed and unusually silent. Later that night, Leland ran up to me and in a whisper, said, “Mommy…Grandpa’s weewee is GREAT BIG! It was like my arm! He went pee right beside me and didn’t even have to hold it. It just went by ITSELF!” Even now, years after my divorce, whenever I think about my ex father-in-law, that’s all I can focus on. Not his religious piety or hatred of the Democratic party…just the awe in my son’s voice and the desperately unwanted information about Grandpa’s schlong. Your story is hilarious.
D.J. Paris says:
@rebecca odonnell Wow, that’s impressive. I wonder if I’ve ever changed a young boy’s life like that. God, I hope not.
rebecca odonnell says:
@tfpHumorBlog Yeah, that would be fairly low down on my list of goals. That is, if I had a dick.
D.J. Paris says:
@rebecca odonnell Well, you have me.
D.J. Paris says:
@rebecca odonnell Well, you have me.
rebecca odonnell says:
@tfpHumorBlog Yeah, that would be fairly low down on my list of goals. That is, if I had a dick.
SaafaAlaoui says:
haha LOVE IT!
D.J. Paris says:
@SaafaAlaoui I’ll pass that along to my father. Thanks.
halfbeagle says:
Love it!
D.J. Paris says:
@halfbeagle Thanks. The next stories about my mom’s v. Get ready for that.
Tarannasaurus says:
Best post ever and I’m not even on part two. His essence. OMG.
D.J. Paris says:
@Tarannasaurus I meant his dong, just in case it wasn’t clear.
Terri says:
I laughed out loud through much of this … and read it to my husband. I’ll have to look at your about page to see how old you are … because, at 48, married for 21 years, husband and I are perplexed by the whole pube thing … not quite sure where we should be standing … or shaving … on the matter. (I actually wrote about this awhile back. Will have to dig it up.) Thank your dad for allowing you to share his dong with your readers!
D.J. Paris says:
I’m 36. He’s a good man, my father. And thank YOU for reading. I do appreciate it.
Ausrew says:
Great story. Reminds me of a similar experience when I was about 20. We had gathered interstate for wedding and in the rush to get showered I ended up in the bathroom with my dad and uncle at the same time. I didn’t want to look but there wasn’t much choice. There in front of me were two scary beer bellies and, hang on, two uncircumcised dicks. For the first time I felt like the odd man out, the only circumcised one in the room. I was thinking, WTF isn’t it always like father like son? But I guess they were born in the UK and I was born in Australia. I don’t know what scarred me more, the sight of those beer bellies or the realization my dad signed me up for the other team. Family events can have strange, unforeseen consequences…..
D.J. Paris says:
Sorry for the 1.5 year late reply. Uncircumsized dicks are brutal. Never seen one in real life. Thank the Gods.
Haxx says:
hahaha! that was Hilarious! love the way you wrote it. I wanna read part 2 of his Dick now!
D.J. Paris says:
Stop focusing on my father’s dick, sicko. What’s wrong with you?
D.J. Paris says:
Uncircumsized. Wow. Amazing.
Daily Dose of Damn! says:
I am, without question, busted for reading blog entries at work again. Crack. Me. Up.
D.J. Paris says:
Nice – I’m glad I’m part of you not getting the raise you don’t deserve. 🙂
Tom says:
I think seeing your Dad naked is perfectly normal – I slept naked with him in a hotel room and the next day we found that we had no towels. We wanted a shower but could only find a floor mat, and an especially small one at that. It covered my front but not the back, so my arse was exposed. He used it, and it barely covered his dick let alone his arse. We both saw each other nude, whether we were hard or not.
vwrnon says:
We’re either of you hard cause I was when I first saw my father in law in a shower at a camp ground.
Donna Foreverserenity says:
I’m on the floor! I cannot even get to the other comments! This was hilarious!!!! Seriously cannot stop laughing! Looking forward to reading your other writings!lol!
D.J. Paris says:
Thanks Donna. Sorry it took me so long to reply. Keep reading!
Kathleen says:
I have no words. Partially because I’m laughing too much. Actual tears formed. I have forwarded the link to this to friends. First off because your writing is fantastic. Secondly, I’ve been in similar situations where I’ve had to ask the same question regarding circumcision. Now before comments start flying, I am an ER nurse, so the inquiries were of a professional nature…I’m just going to be quiet now.
Can’t wait to read Part II
Tara says:
Geez, because of this post I can never look my own father in the eye again. Or go to Vegas. Or watch polo.
But my understanding is that uncircumsized wang is indistinguishable from cut wang when standing at attention. So if your mom never knew whether your dad was or wasn’t, um, congratulations to them. (Just in case you didn’t already need therapy.)
D.J. Paris says:
I just retched. Thanks.
Megan says:
Reading this post made my day/ my co-workers day because they got to see me snort diet coke out of my nose from laughing so hard. Seriously brilliant and disturbing lol
D.J. Paris says:
Diet coke out of the nose? Nice – try for milk next time. Either way – shoot something out of your nose. Keep reading!
CarryMyStyle says:
Thanks for sharing this funny story.. 🙂 And also thanks to Rebecca Odonnel for your funny story as well about your ex-father-in-law.
D.J. Paris says:
Glad my embarrassment made you laugh! 🙂
shobelyn says:
You are so funny. This is the first time I read a post so honest and well, so vulgar in a funny way. I am liking your blog because of those reasons. For me, I have never ever seen my dad’s ***** . That would be sooooooooooo embarrassing. I went to medical school so I had seen million of **** and it did not bother me at all, so I am thinking if by accident I see my dad’s, hopefully the emotion will be the same as the one of the million I’d seen – emotionless.
D.J. Paris says:
I’ve seen your dad’s – it’s impressive. I’ll text over a pic!
Lola Ambrosia says:
Actually…I DO want to see the bottom half of that picture. Good to know they allow toplessness at pools in Vegas. Now I’m actually interested in going. Great post.
D.J. Paris says:
Now, if only they allowed bottomlessness!
Lola Ambrosia says:
Haha!
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Since I am surrounded by butts and balls, I felt drawn to read this story, as if I haven’t had enough already – I’m pretty sure my 3 boys have seen their dad’s package since living with him is like living with a Chippendale dancer. I keep telling him that being an exhibitionist is not sexy, that a sure thing would be to surprise me when I least expect it. That wrapping his arms around me and kissing my neck would most definitely bring on the results he is hoping for rather than whirling his unit around and gyrating his hips from the balcony, when the kids are home.
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