Something Gross I Do

I just had to call my ex-wife last night.

Hey, I have something so awful to share that you will lose whatever remaining shred of respect you still have for me.

You mean like gross?

Yes, I’m sitting here looking at something really gross.

Well, I can’t imagine it could be worse then all those times you ………………………………………………………...

Redacted terribleness to be revealed in future post.

Okay, true, and maybe not as gross as that.   By the way, once in a while I still do that.

That’s disgusting.  So, what’s the new thing?

Well, remember when you used to get really mad that I would put food like leftover pizza directly on the toaster oven rack without any foil to catch the melted cheese?

Yes. I can’t forget.

And remember how I’d have to scrub that thing with all the charred crap every few months, and you just wanted to kill me?

I do.

Well, after you left, I sort of went nuts with the toaster oven. You have to see this photo I took.  The tray is so foul and disgusting it is beyond being cleaned. I’ve tried. It literally consumes steel wool and SOS pads and laughs at their pathetic attempt to scrub off carcinogens.

By the way, if I develop miners lung this summer, we’ll know the culprit.

And before I reveal this masterpiece to my loyal readers, I’d like you to know that I have a cleaning lady.  I have never once left a dish in the sink.  My dirty clothes are deposited directly into the washing machine.  I shower and exfoliate each morning and floss like I have periodontal disease.

I’m not a scumbag.

But I don’t wash dishes before they go into the dishwasher.  Sure, once in a while you need to run it again, but who cares?  I have an extra forty-five minutes.  No biggie.

And I also don’t worry about crap that falls onto the drip tray in the toaster over.  But it got so bad over the past year that I couldn’t clean it.  I scrubbed and ran it through the dishwasher four times in a row.  It was still black death.

So, I took my problem online – looked up the model to see if someone sold a replacement drip tray.  Check this out – it was only seven bucks including shipping.

Well, the new one is here so I had to remove the old one.  There was so much charred food stuck to it, that it wouldn’t come out without some serious force.

I took this photo, and what you can’t see is that there’s a good quarter-inch of awfulness on 60% of the surface.  It could be a topographical map of the  Himalayas and be reasonable accurate.

I also bought a tray liner that’s made of something that you can just drop in the dishwasher.  I’m all set now.

I just noticed there’s some white toothpick-looking shit in the corner.  No idea what that is.  Awesome.