I want you to do something right now.
Pull out one of your hands (choose the one that is shoved down the front of your pants – and no I don’t mean because you’re doing that.)
Hold it up in front of you. Pay particular attention to the pinky. Notice it’s length. It’s longer than you thought, right?
Get this. My second toe is longer than your pinky.
And even though I have super long fingers (great for playing guitar), even my pinky is about the same length at what I’ll hence be calling “Spear Toe.” Here’s a photo for scale.
Notice all that white shit on the front of Spear Toe? That’s dead skin. I get that because Spear Toe finds out what’s up way before the other toes. It’s the scout of my feet. Also, the first line of defense. I wear a size 13 shoe (at Aldo, I wear a 14). That’s a lot of foot in shoe. More than necessary.
Without a shoe, Spear Toe takes the brunt of everything stubbable. Spear Toe is also very monkey-like. I have a feeling I could stand on a branch, lean forward, and Spear Toe could curl around that bastard and keep me upright. I’m also confident that I could probably open jars with Spear Toe.
In fact my other toes have never touched anything that Spear Toe hasn’t touched first. When walking through the sand at the beach, is the next step going to be a hot patch? Spear toe knows.
I’m not a foot guy. I don’t care about high heels on a woman, which nails are painted what color, and when you last used the pumice stone. I won’t suck on a toe, or stare one down seductively. It’s kind of far away from the areas I do enjoy. So, I’m not sure what a sexy foot on a woman looks like. Here’s what I know is NOT sexy.
And while it’s easy to poke fun at women with nasty toes, I get to keep Spear Toe hidden away inside the big clown shoes I’m forced to wear. Spear Toe only really makes it’s appearance on the beach during the summer or on vacation. When I’m sleeping on my back, Spear Toe pushes the sheets up a little higher, making it look like I have two tiny toe erections.
Maybe I should start wearing socks when I make love. That would prevent me from stabbing my partner’s soles with Spear Toe. But then you would realize I wear those super high dress socks that go halfway up the leg. Not sure which is less sexy.
Oh well, I have Spear Toe. You have imperfections, too. Probably really obvious ones that people make fun of when you leave the break room at work. There – I just made myself feel better about Spear Toe.
Jessica_thereader says:
Guess who’s getting treated to a pedicure when I get there in two weeks?! Well actually you will be getting the pedicure, but the treat will be for me because I won’t have to be looking over my shoulder for those nosferatu toes to creep up on me!
D.J. Paris says:
@Jessica_thereader I’m horrible racist to Vietnamese. Will this be an issue? 🙂
Jessica_thereader says:
@delfinparis Look, we are going to have to find someone with incredible control of their gag reflex so you might have to flexible about nationality.
capronstrings says:
@Jessica_thereader
Nosferatoe.
Permanent mental image, burned into my psyche. Bad makeup and all.
D.J. Paris says:
@capronstrings @Jessica_thereader And I probably edged out one of your and your dad having fun at age six. Sorry.
therealbirdman says:
You could have a tremendous toe dagger with one of them. Toe daggers are amazing, because the only known defense is a callus shield. You can hamstring a lover, so she/he can’t escape, or slice up some fruit in bed. Just think about it, you only need to grow the nail about a half inch.
D.J. Paris says:
@therealbirdman Better written that I could do.
Crack You Whip says:
Do the pedicure…for all of us.
D.J. Paris says:
@Crack You Whip First, don’t tell what to do. Second – you’re absolutely right.
amloki says:
:)…Your writing has a great voice, and if it takes a Spear toe to bring it out, so be it! Thanks for your comment on my blog! 😀
D.J. Paris says:
@amloki Thanks – I understand you have a massive spear toe as well. It’s cool on men, but on women, it’s just… well… gross.
Lollylollygirl says:
I too have a spear toe (two actually)….now I’m finally not alone….although you really need to get those puppies cleaned up!
D.J. Paris says:
@Lollylollygirl Spear toes on women are the scarlet letter of the feet.
robynbanx says:
OMG you should have gone to the podiatrist instead. Kidding. That same toe on my left foot has been dislocated from birth. Doesn’t hurt. But looks weird when my toes curl. Frankly, I’m not really looking at feet when any toe curling is going on.
D.J. Paris says:
@robynbanx Dislocated toe since birth? Just rip it off and be done with it!
robynbanx says:
I think it’s called bologna and cheese in the fashion industry. I never wear shoes like that. The shoe is too small woman.
D.J. Paris says:
@robynbanx I understood none of this – probably because I’m not a chick.
The Glögg says:
I think this is something called Morton’s Foot. Not that ‘spear’ toe is too long, just Big toe is too short.