I Ate True Chicago Fried Chicken

I remember a handful of times going to fried chicken restaurants as a child. Over the years I had it at birthday parties and other friends’ houses. The thing is – I don’t remember liking it all that much. The drumsticks are great, but every other part of the fried chicken experience is a five to me.

The problem is that there’s just no easy way to eat it.

Before I proceed, I’m eliminating drumsticks from this critical look at fried chicken. Drumsticks are easy to eat, delicious. and the best reason to have fried chicken. But you can’t get only drumsticks for some reason. You end up with all the other pieces, too.

The breast in theory should be the most fun to eat based on size. But it’s not. First, the size thing – it’s deceptive. 70% of that breast is bone. The only way to eat it is to lay it flat of a table and kamikaze your mouth from above.  Try to approach that thing from the side like a burger is a surefire was to lose a cuspid.

Even after you attack the breast from the top, you’re only going to make it halfway through because bone covers the rest. You think you’re getting all the way through it. You’re not. Flip that bastard over and prepare to be stumped. Is that meat on the bottom? Bone? You’ll do a quick test nibble and think you found meat. Nope, just fried stuff.

Moving on to the thigh. Not a bad piece and has a reasonable proportion of meat to bone. Half of it is perplexing and inedible, but it’s easy enough to find the main part. Plus, it’s dark meat which tastes better.

The wing. I have no respect for the wing, and it will get no print here.

I almost forgot! The decision we have to make since we’re all adults and health conscious. Discard the crispy skin or no? The same process plays out at the ballpark with peanuts. The idea of eating a peanut shell repulses you, and you’ll have none of that nonsense. Smash-cut to the seventh inning after four draft tall-boys and three hours in the sun and you are no longer separating shell from nut. You know you shouldn’t do it and you’re going to have problems the next day, but you’re crunching away taking all the pesticides and migrant worker thumbprints into your body.

Fried chicken skin. Because we want to be healthy, we start with the breast. We peel away the crispy skin carefully and feast on the white meat. Since the breast meat is dry, lacking flavor, and  unnecessarily complicated to eat  , we overcompensate next by diving headfirst into a drumstick.

And that is the end of the no-skin eating.

Wow – this post really got away from me. I was going to write about how I drove down to an extremely dicey area of Chicago to try the famous Harold’s Chicken Shack chicken and how I was legitimately scared while waiting for the order. The cook was behind three inches of bulletproof glass. To her credit, she did call me “Honey” which had a calming effect.

Oh, one more thing – it’s all about the hot sauce. Eating fried chicken without hot sauce is blasphemy in Chicago. If your neck of the woods doesn’t support hot sauce/chicken marriage, then I’d like you to up and move. It’s that important.

I am not happy with one word I’ve written tonight, but I am still on a high from the hot sauce as it clearly contains psychoactive properties. Seriously. My pupils are like saucers.