D.J. Reviews DivaCup • Originally Published at InThePowderRoom

One of the funniest websites south of the Mason Dixon was In The Powder Room. Run by funnywoman Leslie Marinelli and edited by funnywoman Sarah del Rio, this site accepted my pitch of a monthly column where I reviewed products for women. Sadly, the site is currently on hiatus, but they have given me permission to repost content I had written exclusively for them. I’m proud of my work, as silly as it was. They were a great partner and supportive of my immature ramblings. If they ultimately decide on a permanent vacation, I will restart the column here. In the meantime, read some old stuff.

I would like to point out that while all the words below are mine, they were edited by Sarah del Rio. She makes me funnier. I bow to her.

The DivaCup: What Does HE Think?

I should begin by pointing out that I failed Biology in junior college, and have never had a real girlfriend. My knowledge of how menstruation works is limited at best.

Also, I’m a dude.

Still, my understanding is that every month a woman gets her “curse,” and gone are the times where gals would be ushered to the edge of the village for three days. Victory for the Women’s Lib movement!

But before I talk about The DivaCup®, let’s go over the options a modern woman has to surf the Crimson Wave during Leak Week:

First, tampons. I don’t understand exactly how they work, but I did see a Playtex ad in Seventeen magazine once where a girl asked her mother, “Are you sure I’ll still be a virgin?” Since you should save your virginity for a true love, let’s steer clear of tampons. No girl should ever have to say: “My first time was with Tampax.” Keep your crack intact until the night of your senior prom. You’re worth it.

Next are sanitary napkins. I prefer this terminology to “maxi-pad” since it sounds classier. Plus, I don’t know what “maxi” means. But a napkin that keeps that area clean? Sign me up, s’il vous plait! (French idioms also make stuff sound classier).

But here’s the problem with sanitary napkins. Let’s say you land a hot date with a guy at the office in Accounts Receivable. He takes you for a high-end steak dinner (Pro Tip: steak is rich in iron, which is good when replenishing blood loss) and then back to his condo for “dessert.” Dessert, he tells you, is his wiener. So, you’re getting hot and heavy on his divan when all of a sudden you remember you’re having a spotting day. Gadzooks! You excuse yourself to the bathroom, but then what? You can’t flush a maxi-pad since you’ll clog up the toilet. If you toss the soiled napkin into the garbage, he’ll see it the next day and never speak to you again.

But if you’re wearing The DivaCup® you can yank the sucker out of your vajeen and wash it in the sink. Return to the loveseat, and let him ravish away without fear of embarrassing yourself—but remember that you’re going to need to actually remove it before he “serves you dessert.”

Highest possible recommendation!

UPDATE: I just learned you can get a patch or something where you never have a period again. Do that instead.

This original piece by D.J. Paris was written exclusively for In the Powder Room, a division of Hold My Purse Productions, LLC. Featured image © The DivaCup via Instagram.