If you’re not familiar with BlogHer it’s the largest female blogging conference in the country. Over five thousand birds (I love to call women “birds”) made their way to NYC for the three-day event. Aside from over a hundred speakers, we had the President do an address, Martha Stewart, Katie Couric, and Soledad O’Brien. It was kind of a big deal blogging weekend.
There were 150 corporate sponsors, but the one everybody was talking about was Trojan? Why?
They were giving away free vibrators to attendees.
Like any convention, there’s a ton of swag. You go from booth to booth and collect the freebies. As a man in a woman’s conference, most of the booths didn’t appeal to me. There was a panty-liner sponsor AND a heavy flow period sponsor within spitting distance (should have used a better adjective) of each other. When I saw both at the same time, I felt a little faint and sat down. I’m not kidding.
Since there were maybe a hundred guys total at BlogHer, I was treated like one of the girls. All I kept hearing about the first day was the free vibrator from Trojan. Women would tell me that I just had to go pick one up for my girlfriend. Good idea!
My girlfriend was at home in Chicago watching over my pets and redesigning my closet during BlogHer. She lives in Atlanta by the way, and drove up to do this. Visiting the Trojan booth was the least I could do for her. I didn’t even tell her about it – that way it would be seen as a present when I got home. Yes, that is how cheap I am.
I’m not uptight about these type of products and didn’t think anything about going to pick one up.
When I made it to the booth, I realized it wasn’t just a giveaway – they wanted you to hang out and watch the presentation done by a young guy who was very excited to talk about the line. He had the product disassembled and was speaking on each attachment with increased excitement.
There are thirty women standing around watching this, and one guy – me. I had to pretend I was interested in the tongue tips and insertion attachments. I nodded my head in feigned awe when he said this increased orgasm frequency by 25% in women.
Basically, I felt like a dirty creep standing there. There was no escape as this was the deal – listen to their pitch before you get their $50 product for free. A fair trade, for sure. But to be the only guy in the crowd was uncomfortable to me. I’m sure the women didn’t even notice me, quite honestly. Their eyes were mostly glazed over.
I did make a joke at the Samsung booth where they had a new line of washer/dryers. I turned to the employee and asked if any women had jumped on top of the front-loader and gave it a spin. Sadly the person I made this joke to was a guy, and he didn’t get it.
As the presentation was winding down one of the last things the presenter said was (to my recllection), “We partnered with Kinsey and research shows the 95% of women have used sexual devices like ours at some point in their life…”
Yeah, okay, good. Whatever. Let’s wrap this up.
“…and 20% of all men have used them, too.”
Then he motions with his eyes and hands to me.
I’m directly in the middle of this crowd by the way. I have to be clear and say that it’s not like he pointed directly at me, but it felt like he tagged on the men statistic at the end for my benefit. He clearly directed his body, and the rest of the crowd, over to me..
I couldn’t exactly grab the microphone and say, “I am one of the 80%! Here me loud and true! I proclaim this on the eyes of my unborn!” All I could do was stand there like an asshole and nod as if to say, “Wow! That is very interesting! I’m totally cool with what you just said!”
That was literally the last thing he said and then his assistant started handing out the freebies. I couldn’t get mine fast enough. I deposited it in my bag and walked off.
Sadly, the only bag I had with me was an official Lorax bag – he’s one of the awful Dr. Seuss creations and was lumbering about in the orange costume handing out totes. I tossed the vibrator in, walked about twenty paces, realized how ridiculous this was, and then took a photo.
GDRPempress says:
OMG, he HANDED it to you? I would’ve said, “And that’s the ONLY hose you’ll be handing me…”Only you.
D.J. Paris says:
GDRPempress No, the Lorax didn’t hand the dildo to me – he just gave me that dumb orange bag. I feel like we saw too much Lorax that weekend. You couldn’t turn a corner without running into those bozos.
Gwennie says:
At attention right above the word “despicable!” lol (HARDly!)Just how do dudes use them?! Anally?! I would not guess 20% of men use vibes?! That guy should’ve demo-ed that. Hilarious!!!
D.J. Paris says:
Gwennie I would have no idea. Please believe me.
Jessica_thereader says:
tfpHumorBlog Gwennie Clearly you haven’t experienced the wonder that is the vibrating c@ck ring…a man issuing a vibrater is much like that concept – testes, taint, c@ck, etc all respond to a vibrator really well….just sayin’
Gwennie says:
Jessica_thereader tfpHumorBlog ~ Bwahahahahaha! Not used a VIBRATING cock ring, but may or may not have used a non-vibrating one. LOL Will have to check into that! HA! You crack me up, girl. I like your style. The very fact you said “taint” made me love you! 🙂
Natalie the Singingfool says:
Wow, just…wow.
D.J. Paris says:
Natalie the Singingfool Yep – free vibrators. I can’t tell you how nuts it was there. Women love free vibrators!
Gwennie says:
tfpHumorBlog ~ Knew I should’ve gone to BlogHer. Totally got the shaft. HAHAHA.
D.J. Paris says:
Gwennie Next year, dump the girls and the boy with the artist!
SrslyAmusing says:
@tfpHumorBlog This post basically laid out how I’m sure I would have felt. And something I would have done. Looking forward to next year.
D.J. Paris says:
@srslyamusing Thanks so much, Sisyphus!!!
SrslyAmusing says:
@tfpHumorBlog Most welcome. I chickened out going this year and next year I’m doing it. Yes. I’ll get a vibrator with you. #Awkward
elpe12 says:
A $50 product for free??? Why wasn’t everyone hopping on that shit?
D.J. Paris says:
elpe12 Believe it, everyone was hopping on it!
hmcwhorter86 says:
Bahahahaha! I don’t think there are many dudes who would endure that level of awkwardness for their lady. Nice.
D.J. Paris says:
hmcwhorter86 Well, it was a lesson in humility and embarrassment. And pretty damned funny.
Deb Z says:
I’m surprised you waited this long to blog about the vibrator. Great post.
D.J. Paris says:
Deb Z Ha – thanks.
inthemomlight says:
OMG, when I saw the dude working that booth, I did NOT go up…. seemed SO awkward. Now, I’m really glad I didn’t!
D.J. Paris says:
inthemomlight Wait – you didn’t get one? You are an embarrassment to women everywhere!
inthemomlight says:
tfpHumorBlog inthemomlight that whole confidence thing is still a work in progress
D.J. Paris says:
inthemomlight Wait – we hung out. You didn’t have any confidence issues!
wilyguy says:
So many comment thoughts. I mean, please… Vibrator, Lorax, Despicable Me, Trojan…My head is spinning. It’s like the opposite of writers block when you just don’t know where to start.How about…”being part of the 80%, I will need to see more live demonstrations…I mean normally I’m all thumbs.”WG
D.J. Paris says:
wilyguy Awesome. I could have taken some young lovely into the handicapped stall of the men’s bathroom which wasn’t being used. You know, so she could use the handrails.
Chuck Steak says:
Funny story, very well written. With my luck, Mr. Trojan would’ve made me demonstrate male use before giving me the freebie. I probably would’ve tried to comb my hair with it.
D.J. Paris says:
Chuck Steak Or give your self a back massage. This is different than a back-side massage. Very different.
Defying_Procrastination says:
So was your girlfriend thankful for the gift?Funny post D.J.Michael A. WalkerDefying Procrastination
D.J. Paris says:
Defying_Procrastination She puts it in the morning, turns it on, and goes to the office. Okay, that’s not true. Not true at all.
dadblunders says:
If it’s not bad enough you have to give me a visual of you standing in line listening to a demonstration for a free vibrator that’s for your girlfriend (not the 20%) You have to go and ruin Dr. Seuss for me???? I mean come on now?? It’s Dr. Seuss!! I just want you to know I read that story to my son all the time and now I am going to have an entirely different visual the next time I read it…sigh….someday you might become a father and you might look back and never be able to read The Lorax with a straight face again…..lolAaron
D.J. Paris says:
dadblunders The actual Lorax walking around – he just seemed sad. Probably an off-broadway actor a few days away from suicide.
Daniel Nest says:
Hahhahaa the photo at the end kind of ties everything together quite nicely! Funny post man, hope it was worth the trouble afterwards!
D.J. Paris says:
Daniel Nest You’d have to ask my girlfriend.
jcereola says:
And getting it through airport security can be fun too.http://www.livinginkelliesworld.com/2012/08/whose-bag-is-this.html
D.J. Paris says:
jcereola Great story!
phatcat29 says:
I’ve used vibrators before…On my girlfriend. Boy + toy = WIN.I hope that’s what he meant. I hope I hope….
D.J. Paris says:
phatcat29 Sadly, that is not what he meant.
YoungmanBrown says:
“All I could do was stand there like an asshole and nod as if to say,”Wow! That is very interesting! I’m totally cool with what you justsaid!†Perfect line, dude. And the Lorax bag really does compliment the vibrator perfectly.
D.J. Paris says:
YoungmanBrown Yeah – they didn’t have anything for dudes (not in sex sense, but in everything swag related). But my gf was happy I picked it up.
russellhartup says:
My girlfriend is cheap enough to be more impressed when everything I give her was free.Win-win. Not lying, not buying
D.J. Paris says:
russellhartup Hilarious.
brettminor says:
I was considering going to BlogHer next year since there isn’t one for men. I love getting caught up in those crazy situations, but that one would have been hard to stand still for. You stuck it out. Feel proud.
D.J. Paris says:
brettminor I’m in Chicago so next year’s will be easy for me. Total no-brainer. Go.
Ken Degner says:
The city I live near is hosting some sort of mom blogger conference. It crossed my mind to go to learn more about being better at blogging, but was concerned about being the only fellow in the crown. And not a mom. Good for you for attending this. Guy blogger things certainly seem to be in the minority. I was feeling rather uncomfortable for you in the presentation. You’re a bold man for seeing it through.
D.J. Paris says:
Ken Degner You know – it just didn’t matter that it was all women. Most of my readers are women and I hardly noticed it was just ladies. Go next time!
kaseykakes says:
I did not have to listen to a presentation. I was even asked if I wanted two. I declined. This I guess is the upside of going early on Sunday when everyone else is hung-over.
D.J. Paris says:
kaseykakes Ooh, there is an easy “two” joke here. But it’s gross. Very gross.
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