I’m two days caffeine sober.
I had to do it.
The past four years I hadn’t touched any caffeine. Well, let me back up. Basically I didn’t drink any caffeine until I was thirty-one years old. Then I discovered energy drinks and the amazing high you get from them. Since I don’t drink or use drugs the highs I experience are limited. I can’t butt bong a beer, huff hobby glue, or pack bong loads. I can eat too much pizza and drink caffeine. That’s it for me.
At the time of my caffeine addiction my wife noticed that I had virtually no feelings except “looking intense.” I would want to wax philosophic about intellectual subjects, but could not muster up even the littlest amount of compassion or empathy. In short I was an emotional flatline. Oh, and I got in a lot of fights with her when I was jacked up. That’s no good, either.
So, I looked inside, realized I was a caffeine addict and quit.
Until one of the guys in the office introduced me to Jewish Coca Cola. It was during Passover and they’re not supposed to drink corn syrup, I think. Only real sugar. So, since I hadn’t had a Coke in over four years I decided to take a swig. Surely this wouldn’t become a problem…
Cut to two months later, me surrounded by empty energy drink cans in a daze passed out on the floor next to my bed.
Well, this isn’t entirely true as I always throw away trash as soon as I am finished. I’m not a monster – but I do love their drinks. Get it? Good one, D.J.!
There’s an expression that alcoholics and addicts say that is, “While you’re staying sober your addiction is outside doing pushups.” Meaning that the addiction never goes away and actually only gets stronger. That’s why abstinence is so important. Your addiction grows even though you’re not indulging.
I can state that this is entirely true for me. While I’ve never fallen off the wagon with alcohol, when I launched into energy drinks I started at three a day. That’s a shitload of B vitamins, ginseng, whatever L-carnitine is, and of course, caffeine. I paired back to two pretty quickly, as I had a hard time falling asleep. But as soon as 9am rolled around the carnival started again.
I have to admit that I was productive as hell at work. Stuff got done that was never supposed to even see the light of day. Plus, I was gacked to the nines throughout the entire workday.
After a few weeks, the buzz all but wore off. I guess my body adjusted and I no longer got the “high” I desired. Now I just needed it to wake up in the morning. This was bad, as I never needed stimulants before to get going. I’m already kind of a spaz as it is.
This past weekend, my old friend Lisa was flying in to stay with me. Lisa cares about me more than just about anyone and would have beat me over the head with a wooden spatula if she knew just how much I was drinking caffeine. She’s one of those friends. I had three choices:
- Come clean about my caffeine abuse.
- Hide it by stashing cans in my bedroom.
- Go cold turkey.
Option three made the most sense. The day after she arrived I woke up with acid in my mouth. That bile stomach stuff. I raced to the bathroom and vomited up some spinach from the night before. Now, it’s possible I ate something bad the previous dinner, but I believe it was withdrawal symptoms. My headache was so severe it lasted two days. I took at least 30 ibuprofen over that time, way more then recommended. Today, I took three, count ’em, three naps.
My body is readjusting. And while this story is kind of cute, it’s a little scary too. Thankfully this “relapse” was a benign one, and shooting caffeine isn’t going to wind you up on Intervention (actually, no addiction is going to wind you up there since it was just cancelled, but you get the idea), but it was still a wake up call. I need to keep this stuff in check. Moderation in all things, right? Well, I can’t moderate caffeine. Just not possible for me.
But I can work on my moderation of Peach Fresca. Do you know I wrote them and asked to be their official blogger sponsor and they never wrote back? Jerks!
beth anderson says:
I had to give up caffeine for health reasons. It was the worst breakup I have ever had! Man oh man, do I miss coffee!!!
Leigh Ann says:
Whenever I hear of someone quitting caffeine, I’m all “Why the hell would you do that?” But this…this makes sense. I had a stomach bug last year and I had no desire to eat or drink anything, including my coffee. The headache I got was MUCH worse than my nausea. I think I loaded up on Tylenol PM and just slept it — and the stomach bug — off.
Jess says:
But when you sent the pitch to Fresca to be their blogger sponsor did you send the picture, too? Because if I worked for Fresca’s marketing and saw that picture, I would totally respond with a resounding, ‘YES!’
It not, you should send it again, but with the pic! It’s worth a thousand words, you know.
P.S. Full disclosure: I have been banned from my past employer’s marketing department but for reasons I feel are nonsense… something about not wanting their SEO being affiliated with words like “qweef” and “vag punch” and that I was not using the marketing tools “appropriately.” Whatever…
Heather says:
Sounds to me like withdrawal symptoms! They are pretty freakin’ nasty, but hey, your body is adjusting to not getting something it’s used to having. You’re not giving your brain the high, so it senses something missing. I explain this in my own blog, but it’s similar with eating disorders (in my case, anyway). I got severe withdrawal symptoms when I started eating again. I was going through withdrawal because I was no longer getting the rush starvation gives you. Cold sweats, the shakes, everything! Once you start fucking around with brain chemistry, things start to get “interesting:”. I, however, could never go without caffeine (I enjoy tasting different roasts of coffee too much), so I commend you ,good sir! Good luck!
Julie says:
Did you know that caffeine withdrawal is on the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of mental disorders published by The American Psychiatric Association? It’s a real THING. I’ve gone through it a couple times myself. It sucks. Good luck on moderating your moderation and getting that Fresca deal.
Brenda Dion says:
I MAY be able to give up YouTube but never never never going to give up caffeine…They tried to make me go to rehab but I said no, no, no (rest in peace Amy Winehouse).
Breaking my addiction to YouTube http://wp.me/p3oDNg-6i
Minimal Anarchy says:
Whew, my most sincere good wishes to you!
I’m 30 days off of cancer sticks, and I’ve been contemplating kicking my raging caffeine addition next… but I’m nervous. More nervous even than I was before kicking the cigarettes, perhaps because they don’t have a patch for dunkin donuts original roast yet. 😉
K. Cross says:
I’m only addicted to caffeine on night shifts. I can leave it behind afterwards.
Erin Hatton says:
A humourous look at caffeine addiction. 🙂 Thanks for some good giggles. We tend to downplay caffeine addiction, but it’s true – just look at the lines at the Tim Hortons drive through (in Canada) to see how addictive it is. My husband is into the energy drinks too, but I keep him cut back. My weakness is tea.
Lil says:
D.J., why is your mouth blue in that photo?
Smokey Joe says:
Dope? Yes.
Booze? Sure.
Cigarettes? Grudgingly.
But they’ll get my coffee when they pry it from my cold, dead, coffee-stained lips…
Smokey Joe says:
Dope? Yes.
Booze? Sure.
Cigarettes? Grudgingly.
But they’ll get my coffee when they pry it from my cold, dead, coffee-stained lips.
Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom says:
Wow – at first I thought you were going to say Jewish Coca Cola was code for crack or something. But that wouldn’t be kosher. So it really is Jewish Coca Cola. Huh. I always learn stuff from your blog DJ.
I too had to detox from the caffeine. I was a tad intense and combative. So I switched to decaf and was fine for awhile…until I got a Keurig and got back on the wagon. Then it was caffeine morning noon and night. Then the thing died on me. I’m in mourning but I’m taking things slowly with my Cuisinart. It’s just not the same though, ya know…*sniff*
Reggie says:
I nominated you for a Liebster Award. Great blogging!
http://coffeeandcrazy.blogspot.com/2013/05/i-received-liebster-award-nomination.html
Roshni says:
I’m not sure if I’m addicted to caffeine or not; I just like drinking coffee twice a day! But, go you for giving it up!
rachel says:
I am nine years sober and a whore for energy drinks…
So many a day i had to buy a can crusher large enough for tall cans to reduce trips to the recycling station…really!
Been thinking abt a detox weekend…just not quite ready.
Kate Hall says:
I think it’s so funny that you wrote them a letter. I have the same addictive thing with other things. I watched Freaks and Geeks about a month ago – all 18 episodes and then again with commentaries in 4 days – well not all with commentaries bc I realized my problem and stopped. But I’m a stay-at-home-homeschooling mom, I don’t have time for that crap. That show was so good though. It was my life for four days. Thank goodness there were only 18 episodes. And this is why I can’t watch TV.
Andrea says:
We all have our weak points. Mine is caffeine too, and I used to be better about cooling out on the coffee when I had a few too many weeks of shaking hands and crazy eyes.
I can’t quit these days. Just thinking about it makes me tired.
Megan Lane says:
Haha it is funny and scary at the same time. Caffeine-withdrawal headaches are probably the worst ones right after baby-screaming-all-day headaches.