For the past year (abouts) I’ve been blogging regularly. I’d like to talk about what has changed for me. Please indulge.
This time last year I attended a party thrown by my friend for his girlfriend Kelly. She’s an actress and was heading off to NYC to try to do the professional acting thing. Her plan was to give it a year. I wrote about anger yesterday and it reminded me that at that party I felt a low-level anger toward Kelly.
I wish I wasn’t typing this because she’s the nicest person in the world. I’m excited to know her and this in no way reflects anything negative about her. Okay, let’s get back to me being pissed off. I felt that what she was doing was irresponsible – who goes to NYC to make it as an actress? The odds are against her! I just found the whole thing silly and a waste of time.
I’m not proud of these judgments – but at the time that’s what was happening.
Later that night I ran into an acquaintance. She’s a lawyer at a prestigious firm, and at this moment I can’t recall her name. So, we’ll go with Flo. She’s obviously not Flo, but that name is funny. Flo had just made partner to which I heaped praise and congratulations.
I asked Flo if she had always wanted to be an attorney, if it was her childhood dream. I assumed it was.
She laughed and told me she never had any interest in law at all. Not even though undergrad. I think Flo was an English major and didn’t know what to do after graduation. So she took the LSAT and went to law school. I told her she wasn’t giving me the whole story, and that you don’t just go to law school without having a strong interest in the field. But she kept insisting she was not really into law. Even now, it was just “okay” to her. She wasn’t complaining – she said they paid her extremely well and she was good at it.
I asked her if law wasn’t her passion, what was? All of a sudden her eyes lit up. She talked about Italian archaeology and said that was her one true love. Now, she’s not Italian and I didn’t even know that was an actual subject. Flo started talking excitedly about how she’s going to go back to school, get her masters and then Ph. D. and then split her time between dig sites in Italy and teaching college students. Her plan was to quit law in ten years which would give her and her husband enough savings to allow her to pursue this dream.
Now I found myself angry with both Kelly and Flo. Here she was, an accomplished lawyer talking about throwing her career away and pursuing this other love.
Within the next hour it dawned on me. Here were two women chasing their dreams. I was not chasing my dream. This was about me.
I live only about five blocks from the party. Though it was midnight I walked with powerful and heavy steps home. I was mad. Something had snapped, and at 35 years old, I knew I could no longer go another day without giving this writing this a real shot.
While I have never fancied myself a writer, I do know that I’m funny. Very funny. It’s my gift and I’ve studied it most of my life. I just never knew what to do with it. I had this blog, but I never updated it.
As I walked home I decided the only way to see what was there was to put my head down and do it. So, I committed to writing. A lot. Over the past year I’ve realized that being funny is only a little part of what people connect to here. I’ve added other parts of my life such as sadness, fear, vulnerability. While I’m a funny dude and social, I am also quite serious and dark.
Many time I’ve been afraid about sharing the deeper and shadowed sides of me. Thank God you guys appreciate more than just a great fart joke.
I don’t believe I’m a good writer or that my blog is important. I do think I’m funny, honest and vulnerable. It’s nice to know that there are people who relate to those qualities. I’m grateful this technology exists and that I have enough discipline to keep going.
I thank you for your patience through this experiment. It’s odd putting your daily life out in the public domain, and I’m glad that you have shared some of your lives, too, through the comments, social media, and email.
I don’t know how to end this one so I’ll just say keep reading. Or I’ll hate you forever. And that’s a long time to be on someone’s shit-list.
AntoniaMurphyNZ says:
Ha! I wasted a lot of time being angry at people I secretly envied– until I made much the same choice as you. For me, another big piece of the puzzle was meeting my husband– an awesome guy who believes in my writing and is actually happy to support me while I “blog” and “write” and “broaden my platform through social media.” He’s the best. He can also sail across oceans, but that’s another story.Hey, for what it’s worth– I think your writing is smart, funny and polished. And I love a good fart joke.
MilenaMilaniBarrett says:
Well, that took a lot of reflection. I’m feeling this quite a bit lately and need to get off my ass and do something about it. I love waking up in the morning and reading your blog.
lonesomejackalope says:
P ~ it’s the tension between living a life that’s supposed to make sense and knowing somewhere down deep that it’s actually whacked. But then that gives us power for humor. It sounds to me like you have started to let go and go crazy which is the place where all the best writers live. Also, don’t be reticent to seek out those who can be good critics and sharpen your skills. Keep writing amigo.
Julie DeNeen says:
This was a great post. I really connected with it. Anger can be a good motivator huh?
RachRiot says:
Bravo. I think the most important thing in life (besides bacon) is passion. For something, anything. And everyone’s passion is different. That’s the beauty part. I feel sorry for people that deny that part of themselves, for whatever reason. Don’t be angry at anyone for following their path, their passion. Just do your own thing. That’s what you are doing and I admire that. It’s sexy. I really admire how often you post! At first I was intimidated b/c it takes me forever to finish a blog post. Too much thinking. But now I’ve decided to use my intimidation as an impetus to post more often. So thank you! Yeah, passion and gratitude. 🙂
Natalie the Singingfool says:
Yes. Me too.
GDRPempress says:
Ok.This is me and my issues: that post sounded like a good bye to me. “Year long experiment.” Did you set out to only blog a year? Forgive me, I just met you via Aiming Low guest post you did there, and don’t know if you planned on only a year?You’re a very nice, very kind, supportive and encouraging blogger. I’d miss your voice out here if you closed up. Very much.
redbone210 says:
You aren’t leaving are you? I’d miss you.Oh, and I agree with RachRiot – passion about something …anything…is a good thing. Well, maybe not anything. But it’s refreshing to see someone care about something enough to go out on a limb and stop stumbling thru life in a fog.
The Hipster Owl's Bookshelf says:
” And that’s a long time to be on someone’s shit-list.”Haha!! Best. Line. EVER. 😀 Totally made my day! 🙂
Btw, I’ve run across your blog before, but just refound it again… I hadn’t noticed the heartfelt posts …and I like that. Your blog is inspiring in its own way. Thank you for sharing ! It definitely takes guts, but I have a feeling you’ve helped many of your readers. Wish you the best and much happiness!