I’d like to get serious for a moment. For reals, yo.
The cause of much of my suffering is the illusion that I am different from you.
We are all different. We’re not all the same. You have certain abilities and I have others. Different.
But when I see myself as different from you, I tend to focus on how we’re different, and then I categorize that into a “good” or “bad” bucket. Or more accurately, a “I’m better than you” bucket or “I’m worse than you” bucket.
For example, I’m probably funnier than you. How do I know this? Because I’m comparing you to me. And while it may be true that I can turn a funny phrase more effectively in an objective sense (although not in this post), it still separates me and offers little value. Because when I remember that you’re different than me, we’re separated. And if you’re like me, being separated is terrifying and depressing.
And you, you can do things I can’t. Like touch your toes. I have never touched my goddamn toes. I mean, if I bend my knees I can grab a pinky. But not when they’re straight. And I don’t even get close, like at least a good foot away. I’m awesome at touching my shins. But not my toes. This is also depressing for some reason.
When I see people who can, I envy the shit out of them. And fucking palms-to-the-floor people, they can burn in hell. God, do I want so badly to put my palms to the floor. I know, I’m weird.
I find that I am often envious of friends that appear to do better than me. More money, better discipline at working out and eating, a nice wife and kids, and other stuff.
Now, I know that the grass is almost never actually greener. We all struggle, and our spouses always suck at least sometimes. Our kids, too. Well, at least your kids. Your kids really do suck.
But like those of you than can touch your wrists to the floor, I need to learn how to see that as different, but without judgment. It is neither better or worse. Just not the same as what I can do.
But how can I achieve this level of separate but equal? Well, the only thing that works for me is through intimate connection with others. Especially others that I see as different from me.
Example: I take a bus every day where I am often the only white person. It’s easy to see the color difference and feel very alone because nobody looks like me. One of the ways I cope with feeling alone and uncomfortable is to notice certain differences about us. I sometimes think, “I dress better than that guy!” or, “Wow, she seems to be happier than me!” And those value judgments keep me away from others, and often feeling superior or inferior to my fellows. Yes, I said fellows. It rocks.
Once in awhile, however, one of the passengers will make a cute comment about my dog in her backpack. This usually leads to a funny exchange between me and the other person. And then, for at least a moment, we’re connected.
More importantly, I’m not better or worse than you.
Most importantly, I’m not alone.
Joy Wingader says:
So, after I ran 6 miles yesterday (bet you can’t do that either), I was stretching, palms to the floor — legs stiff as a board, thinking about how cute and awesome my kids are. So you see, we are different. And I’m probably better 🙂
D.J. Paris says:
@Joy Wingader This is true – I top out at three miles. And of course, I wasn’t referring to your kids. Everyone else’s, but not yours.
helen_g says:
I am a head to the knees, palms on the floor girl myself. Just thought I’d rub that one in. I have also discovered that there is something essential that all people have in common, no matter how different the perceived differences. We are all dog-nuts crazy. We are. You might look at me and think ” She looks normal” and I might do the same to you. But just under the surface, as exhibited by the above musing, we are all crazy. It is all just a matter of degree and expression.
D.J. Paris says:
@helen_g No, you’re “for sure” nuts. I’m afraid of you.
jennapooh1971 says:
Dogs – the great equalizer. They make us approachable and sometimes make us approach other people (when they’re 80 lbs and pulling on the leash). It’s hard to keep yourself out of the ‘less than’ bucket, for me it requires a lot of practice remembering my goals are not set by the worlds standard but by my own. And when I slip at this I always have the greatest friends ever available to remind me.
D.J. Paris says:
@jennapooh1971 All true!!! Nice comment.
Sarah Mac says:
Guess Im destined to burn then for being not only a palms to the floor but also a leg behind the head kind of person. Added to which, I can’t fit my dog in a back pack … (but I am funny so maybe we aren’t so different).
D.J. Paris says:
@Sarah Mac I love how traditionally legs behind the back is seem as sexy. It’s not. For some reason women thing lingerie and flexibility matter. They don’t. 🙂
polizzimichael says:
ya know if you just stretch like ten minutes a day you will be touching your toes in a week I myself hang there for about five minutes every hour to alleviate back pain and leg craps. its easy, but geneticaly some of us are not flexable, thats me I have to work on it daily . keeps the circulation up and I am able to meditate for much longer with proper circulation…of course then I have a cigarette but im self loathing so lung cancer is of no worry to me.
polizzimichael says:
by the way your writing reminds me of david sedaris ‘s worries. great stuff
Shirley Maya Tan says:
I enjoyed this post very much. I like how you use something that is uniquely yours to connect with those around you. Human connection is what’s lacking in this cold cyber age. Funny how we can all be easily connected online but not so much in real life.
p/s very cute dog 🙂