I Do Something Awful During Phone Calls – A Confession

We all know at least one person that is a   “people pleaser.”   This is someone that puts all other people’s needs in front of their own, often sacrificing their happiness.

They have learned early on, “If everyone is happy, then I will be happy, too.”

Except it generally doesn’t work.   I’ve learned through a tremendous amount of my own experience that I’m basically no good to anyone   if my needs aren’t being met first.

But this entails me finding the courage to ask for what it is I need from others.   And there’s tremendous risk in this.   Why?   Well, people might choose not to give me what I want.   Or worse, they can reject and leave me!

Now, the reality is when you ask for what you want, as long as you have relatively sane people in your life that love you, you actually increase the likelihood of receiving what you need.   But again, the possibility of rejection is real.   And scary.

This, however, is not really me.   I typically have little issue asking my friends for stuff I need.   In fact, I’m more on the other side of this problem.   I’m a bit selfish and self-focused.

I think of others’ needs WAY after my own.

Except in one instance.

Confession – If you’ve had more than three phone conversations with me in your life, odds are I’ve gone to the bathroom while on the phone with you.

And, yep, sometimes it’s a number two.

Phone Call On Toilet
This man and I have one thing in common. Only one.

Why?   Well, first, sometimes I just have to go.   I’m a huge windbag, and anyone who is close to me knows there is no such thing as a five minute phone conversation with me.   I cannot tell you how many times the other person finally goes, “Okay, I have to go!”   I don’t think I’ve ever said that.   No shit (pun intended).

So, often times the BM fairy just happens to come visit while I’m droning on about how the Walgreen’s checkout girl said, “Now, that’s what I’m talking ’bout!” the other day when I came to the counter with:

  • Two Gatorade lo-cal drinks (I don’t even like Gatorade)
  • Two bags of LifeSavers (Wintogreen AND Peppomint, sucka!)
  • Three Snickers Almond candy bars (it was three for a dollar)
  • Two Cheetos bags (one of the Flamin’ Hot and one of the XXTRA Flamin’ Hot)
psycho purchase
I should have bought Kleenex - because it is clear that I really needed to cry.

This is the purchase of a psychopath.   It’s also indicative of somebody that had an extremely stressful day and is ready to bury themselves into a mountain of carbohydrates until their pancreas goes into shock.

See?   While I just told that story, I made doody.   You didn’t even hear me flush, right?

The other reason why I go while I’m talking on the phone has to do with insecurity.   I’m actually afraid that you really don’t want to talk to me, that you’re just doing it to be nice, and if I excuse myself to go to the bathroom, when I call back, you won’t pick up.

So, instead of being honest about what I need – “Hey man, I had four Fiber One burritos for breakfast.   Please excuse me while I go destroy the lavatory.”   – I’d rather just keep it to myself and poop away while you’re telling me about your kid’s preschool class.

And, believe me, I understand that it’s gross.   I know it is, because I don’t flush until AFTER the call.   You know, me being thoughtful and all.

So there’s my confession.   I’m truly sorry if you’re one of my close friends.   Just ask me not to – I will respect your wishes.   Or, maybe better said, I wouldn’t want to be known as somebody who shits all over your request.

Ha – a poop joke!   Awesome!

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3 thoughts on “I Do Something Awful During Phone Calls – A Confession”

  1. Karen says:

    I’m pretty sure this is how my best friend and I knew we were friends– we could talk on the phone and pee at the same time. You’re probably not alone out there (I’m pretty sure most people do it), but kudos for having the gonads to admit that you take a dump while talking to people on the phone.
    And wasn’t the purpose of cell phones/cordless phones so you COULD move around and do stuff while on the phone? You’re just making the most of your time– bullshitting while shitting! Thanks for the laugh!

  2. AdrienneAudrey says:

    I used to work at a call center doing customer support for a cell phone company and you don’t even want to know how often in the middle of a call while we were in the middle of discussing long distance plans or whatever I would hear a FLUSH. It was so disturbing every time!

  3. Michelle says:

    I do this, but only with those closest to me. I’m too conscious of the echo in the bathroom to try to pull it off without telling them, though. The echo gives you away every time!

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