How I Would Improve Keeping Up With The Kardashians

Recently I have become friends with a producer over at E!, one of the six channels I regularly watch.   I understand this is not something that will increase my masculinity cred, but screw it.   I do love The Soup, and anything Joan Rivers does is genius in my book.

It’s hard to watch E! on the weekends, because the programming is 98% Sex In The City reruns, which is one of those shows that just isn’t funny with all the c-words and sex scenes removed.

My friend was talking about Chelsea Lately, and I mentioned even if I was offered a job writing on that show, I wouldn’t take it.   I live in Chicago, have a career here, and like my condo.

“Bullshit – you would absolutely take the job,” she said without hesitation.

She was right.   I totally would.   I started fantasizing how I’d have to write a bunch of midget little person jokes, and gaffes about how men always go to sleep right after sex.   Actually, that does sounds pretty fun.

“Okay, I’ll take it!” I said, before realizing the job was not actually offered to me.

But then I started thinking about the other show I occasionally catch, Keeping Up With the Kardashians, and how I would improve their format.

Kardashian Jenner Family
Two of Them I Would Bed - Not Sayin' Who

Here is my list that I spent exactly seven minutes crafting.

  • Have the women model their eye makeup after an animal other than a raccoon.   Like maybe a peacock or flying squirrel.   Or a bat.   You could tie into a visit to the zoo where, as a goof, Kourtney is pushed into the bat cave, and instead of getting attacked the bats welcome her because her eyes are so clearly bat-like.   She even hangs upside down and does other cool bat shit.   This is writing itself!
  • Get Bruce to start drinking.   He would be a great drunk, and you capture him saying things during a whiskey high like, “Some of you aren’t even my daughters!   Leave me alone!” and “Wheaties are for pussies!   I want waffles!”
  • Make  Scott Disick buy his Polo shirts at T.J. Maxx.   That’s right – the wasteland of all things irregular.   Sure, you can get Ralph Lauren tops for $23 if you don’t mind the little polo guy being stitched upside down.
  • Tell Kris Jenner she’s doing a good job.   In every other episode, Kris is being told she’s a shitty mother, wife, or friend and ends up crying.   It is sort of funny to watch her navigate around that awfulness that is her eye makeup with a tissue, and she always ends up looking a bit like Alice Cooper.   Let’s cut her a break.
  • Make the son – whatever his name is – go insanely religious.   Big celebrity families need a church nut.   Think about the Baldwins.   The only one you care about aside from Alec is Stephen.   He’s great.   You can’t even name the other Baldwins.   The Kardashian son needs to do something interesting.   Start telling the girls they’re going to hell and stuff like that.   Make a name for yourself, whoever you are!

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6 thoughts on “How I Would Improve Keeping Up With The Kardashians”

  1. The Outlaw Mama says:

    Hilarious. Chicago is the home of all genius. Me and you, for example.

    1. D.J. Paris says:

       @The Outlaw Mama  We really are.

  2. melissa moore says:

    I would love to see all that!  Particularly getting poor old Bruce smashed.  I would seriously pay to hear him tell everyone what he really thinks of them.  The only other improvement I could suggest would be to have them all spend a week in the 1800 house (remember that show?).  I would LOVE to see Kim survive without product for seven days.  I think she’d be suicidal by the end!

    1. D.J. Paris says:

       @melissa moore  I don’t think I’d like to see her without makeup.  Actually I did recently.  I hate to be an asshole, but it wasn’t great.  The problem is that 95% she looks perfect because she always wears makeup.  Without makeup was a shock.  Nope, I do sound like an asshole.  Ha.

  3. PursuitOfNormal says:

    Best thing to do to make it better? Put a different family on the show! Love your blog. So glad twitter introduced us. I feel like I should send a thank you card or flowers. Thanks for checking out my blog yesterday as well!
    (Thepursuitofnormal in case you didn’t remember. You’re wildly popular, ya know;)

  4. Kendra says:

    Maybe more episodes with Kim crying where it looks like her over-inflated lips are curling back and about to swallow her own head? I despise those people but, like an idiot, I watch the train wreck regularly. Sigh.

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