How I Would Improve Keeping Up With The Kardashians

Recently I have become friends with a producer over at E!, one of the six channels I regularly watch.   I understand this is not something that will increase my masculinity cred, but screw it.   I do love The Soup, and anything Joan Rivers does is genius in my book.

It’s hard to watch E! on the weekends, because the programming is 98% Sex In The City reruns, which is one of those shows that just isn’t funny with all the c-words and sex scenes removed.

My friend was talking about Chelsea Lately, and I mentioned even if I was offered a job writing on that show, I wouldn’t take it.   I live in Chicago, have a career here, and like my condo.

“Bullshit – you would absolutely take the job,” she said without hesitation.

She was right.   I totally would.   I started fantasizing how I’d have to write a bunch of midget little person jokes, and gaffes about how men always go to sleep right after sex.   Actually, that does sounds pretty fun.

“Okay, I’ll take it!” I said, before realizing the job was not actually offered to me.

But then I started thinking about the other show I occasionally catch, Keeping Up With the Kardashians, and how I would improve their format.

Here is my list that I spent exactly seven minutes crafting.

• Have the women model their eye makeup after an animal other than a raccoon.   Like maybe a peacock or flying squirrel.   Or a bat.   You could tie into a visit to the zoo where, as a goof, Kourtney is pushed into the bat cave, and instead of getting attacked the bats welcome her because her eyes are so clearly bat-like.   She even hangs upside down and does other cool bat shit.   This is writing itself!
• Get Bruce to start drinking.   He would be a great drunk, and you capture him saying things during a whiskey high like, “Some of you aren’t even my daughters!   Leave me alone!” and “Wheaties are for pussies!   I want waffles!”
• Make  Scott Disick buy his Polo shirts at T.J. Maxx.   That’s right – the wasteland of all things irregular.   Sure, you can get Ralph Lauren tops for $23 if you don’t mind the little polo guy being stitched upside down.
• Tell Kris Jenner she’s doing a good job.   In every other episode, Kris is being told she’s a shitty mother, wife, or friend and ends up crying.   It is sort of funny to watch her navigate around that awfulness that is her eye makeup with a tissue, and she always ends up looking a bit like Alice Cooper.   Let’s cut her a break.
• Make the son – whatever his name is – go insanely religious.   Big celebrity families need a church nut.   Think about the Baldwins.   The only one you care about aside from Alec is Stephen.   He’s great.   You can’t even name the other Baldwins.   The Kardashian son needs to do something interesting.   Start telling the girls they’re going to hell and stuff like that.   Make a name for yourself, whoever you are!