• EdmundofPaisley Wiccan crab-fishermen at sea.

First, I don’t think goth chicks get out on the open sea much. And, if so, I don’t think they’re big fans of crab fishing and eating kelp and stuff. I will say though, that their black eyeliner would make them look like pirates.

• ChicagoShells  Rahm Emmanuel’s dancer’s physique.

He’s a little guy. I met him once in a subway and shook his hand. I wanted so badly to rub the tiny nub but I didn’t have the courage. That nub. It consumes me.

• allballsitch  Sex after marriage. Go!

Depends on the mistress, I guess.

• smiles4train  How about Halloween bogus-ness?

I’d like to do away with sexy chick costumes. If I want to see my best friend’s wife in a corset, I’ll just consult my brain. I’m able to do that just fine on my own. Let’s keep it to scary stuff. Like goblins. I feel like we don’t see enough goblins every year. Goblins!

• longtallnatty  Definitely write about theory to vote for the best looking candidate. Totes logical.

Look, they’re both incredibly intelligent ivy-leaguers. Their brains are fine. Keats wrote “beauty is truth,  truth beauty” – What, am I smarter than Keats? That dude is famous. This time, lets choose on handsomeness and see what happens. I’m willing to try.

• throughdodoseyes  Write about….Jeff Goldblum. It’s his birthday today. He’d like that

I saw The Fly when I was ten and it scared the hell out of me. I went to see Independence Day with beers in my pockets (bottles) and I was sitting in the back row and one fell and rolled all the way up to the front. This was on opening night. I felt like I won movie theater Plinko.

• MIBeerSlayer  Grape Bubblicious Bubble Gum.

Any dialogue around Bubblicious cannot be complete without a short jag on Hubba Bubba. This was the Beatles/Elvis question of the day. Hubba Bubba was more manly – also dry on the outside. Bubblicious was softer. Both were designed to cripple pancreases. The flavors were inconsequential – well, except watermelon. Nobody needed that. Now I chew Extra. I’m old.

• nicosvox  look out the window and the second (not the first) thing you see write about it

Okay, I looked outside and the second thing I noticed was that two condos already had white lights hanging up on their decks. I’m assuming this is holiday related. It’s Monday night in Chicago. No need for lights. You’re not impressing anyone. Go make love to your wife and turn off the stupid lights. Or, leave them on and put on a show!

• Crystal Green   The day your life changed forever, …the how,why, and what do you like better about your life now.

The day I realized that the answers to my problems lay in sitting in the tough feelings I avoided my whole life. That and finding the courage to share my fear, anger, sadness and shame with other men and women who love me. I don’t have a joke for this. Wait… I must now go shave my private area since I’m clearly a woman.

• SewMoochieMarie Hmmmm…write about how little kids say words wrong and what would happen if an adult did it

If an adult ever said “Psghetti” I’d roundhouse kick him right in the taint. Also that crap about a “binky” – it’s a blanket. Correct that shit. Make your little one be the only three year old that says, “Mother, would you go fetch my coverlet? I need retire.” That’s way funnier than “wubby.”

• llhalsey lapel pins

Nobody ever has fun with these. It’s always the boring flag. I would put something wacky with an eye theme like the egyptian eye or a smiley face with the bullet hole above the eye or just a stoned, red human eye. When asked what’s up with the eye thing I’d just go, “I’s like eyes!” then laugh hysterically.

—
Okay, there you go. We did this together. Thanks for the help.

photo credit: Thomas Hawk via photopin cc

• RichardMHowes  – Never surrender.

100% disagree. Surrender is power. Now, I don’t think you should surrender all the time. Like fighting wars and dealing with bullies. But admitting defeat can be liberating. I own that I am terrible at cleaning my toilets. I surrender to the filth that is in there and resurfaces every six days. I surrender to the cleaning lady I’m going to hire to fix that issue for me. I also surrender to the song  Surrender  by Cheap Trick. It’s boss.

• GeekGalGroks  –  Write about the weirdest meal you ate.

I almost had horse in Tahiti. Just for a goof. At the time my ex-wife and I owned a horse, too. But I ultimately couldn’t do it. It just looked gross. Other than that, the Vietnamese area of town is just a few blocks north of me, and those jerks put tripe in everything. That’s weird, and vomit inducing.

• essomenic  –  What about the beauty of being human — imperfect, stumbling, but ever-learning? Or tacos. Everyone loves tacos.  

This is basically all I write about. Every post is about my imperfection, hair aside. But I will say this about stumbling. Nothing is funnier than watching a woman stumble in high heels. When they actually spill walking in front of a restaurant when you’re seating near the plate glass storefront window, well sister, that is just perfect awesomeness. I watched a video of Tara Reid and a friend drunkenly fall over a parked motorcycle last night three times in a row. I couldn’t stop giggling.

• MLE614  –  write about why there is Braille on drivetru ATMs

This old joke. First of all, is it so crazy to think that there’s Braille on ATMs? Remember, sometimes the caretakers of blind people let them out of the house for some free range time. It’s good for them, you know? The wander about and bump into brand new things. By the way, this reminds me of my all-time favorite joke.

Why do farts smell?

So deaf people can enjoy them, too.

• NotMattTeska  –  Write about writer’s block. Or write a purposefully terrible short story.

Writer’s block is actually great as it stretches the improv muscles. Short Story – I met a girl at the disco name Fran. We drank gin fizzies and she taught me The Hustle. Later that evening I waited until Fran was asleep before slipping out the back stairwell. Two years passed and I saw Fran at the supermarket. A little boy was dangling his legs through the cart as she examined produce. “I named him after you,” Fran said. I looked down at the floor avoiding eye contact with the boy. “So – what aisle is the nutmeg in?” Fran said seven. I hopped in my Tercel and started a new life in Tijuana. — Fin –

Thank you for helping me through this non-event of a day. You ladies and gentlemen rock!

Then read  part II  and  part III.

Tonight are the recommendations from Facebookers.  Since I’m not sure if they want their names out there, I’m simply using  initials.

Ahem…

• CSP –  big boobed ladies    lol

I should mention that this suggestion was written by a woman. I’d like to address women for a moment. The whole “size of chest” thing is a huge myth that we men have perpetuated on you. Nobody cares. I mean, sure, I guess a few guys do, but nobody I know. I’ve run the  gamut  from A to DD and even a woman who had a reduction. None of it really mattered to me. If anything, focus on the fanny. Firm fanny trumps big jacks.  Speaking of which, I have never pinched a fanny. I feel like that’s a dirty old man move, but I’m not sure why a pinch is more exciting than a slap. Pinch will grab fat. I’m going to stay with the slap.

• KUH –  pigs in a blanket

I had to look this one up, as I wasn’t sure what this was. Yes, I have eaten them once or twice. Whenever I see cocktail weenies plain or wrapped in pastry, I keep walking. They’re always at someone’s house party, and if you keep walking down the buffet line you’ll bump into something better. I look first for the shrimp tray. I always do the math on how many shrimp I can put on my plate without looking like an asshole. If you stuff a few of the tail-shells in your front pocket you can go back for seconds. I have done this. Let’s face it – cocktail weenies suck no matter if naked or baked in flour. Grow up and spend a few bucks for your party. These are your friends, for chrissakes. Shrimp it up!

• NK –  Dingleberries. You’re welcome.

Sadly, I once came up with a  cartoon concept about dingleberries.  While I can’t speak about this phenomena personally, I will tell you a plan my buddy Dave had a few years back. He sent me this story of a guy who started Nair’ing his butthole. Swear to God. His whole idea was that it would make his clean up session basically spot-free. I’m trying to keep the language here civil, by the way. He documented the whole ordeal and said every guy should do it. Dave suggested we both take part and report our findings. I told him under no circumstance would I participate. Dave went for it. I called him a few days later. He said it would never be done again as he had burned his rectum up pretty good. By the way, Dave’s basically a genius who triple majored in Finance, Econ, and Accounting in four years of college. And yet, he got into his shower stall last year, bent over, and Nair’ed his brown eye.

• MHM –  About how you can create a WHOLE story about me meeting Ryan Gossling

photo credit:  nedrichards  via  photo pin  cc

Ahem…

• @ilovemymanalot  – How about Mitt Romney the King of Gaffe Doesn’t he know not to piss off the Brits

I had to do some research on this one. First of all, the Olympics started today. And, I’m not kidding here, but earlier someone asked if I was excited about the Olympics. I said, “Oh, are the Winter Olympics this year?” I truly didn’t know. Apparently Mitt Romney said something about the Olympics being a potential disaster. British people – just ignore what our politicians say. Go back to the telly and flip on  Dr. Who,  The Office,  Sherlock,Downton Abbey,  Fawlty Towers  – you’ll realize you’re better than we are.

• @Somgrl  –  Barbie. I hate playing with Barbie & my daughter always makes me.

I’m confused here. Aren’t you supposed to hate things that kids do? If you loved playing with Barbie it would suggest a massive  personality  disorder. But it’s not like your daughter is into circuit training and you have to run stairs with her. You just sit on the floor, brush the doll’s hair, change its clothes, walk her around, and make sure your daughter understands that perfection is blonde with d-cups and a size zero waist.

• @NotMattTetska  – Humorous animal encounters?

When I was married, we had a treadmill in our second bedroom. Since my dog is only six pounds we pretty much never have to walk her. I wondered if she could walk on the treadmill behind me.  She could. Every day I’d warm up walking for a few minutes on 4.8mph. That would be a fast canter for her. This would be in the morning before her constitution. She would need to make plops, but she couldn’t get off the treadmill. She would literally poop while running. Then it would fly off the back.  Once it came back around on the belt and I stepped in it.

• @nicoled1130  – the comeback of the mustache?

I’ve never met a woman that prefers facial hair.  I once made out with a girl and after three minutes she told me my stubble hurt her face. Plus, can’t we leave mustaches to the professionals? Ron Jeremy, John Holmes – those are the men of mustache. Maybe Prince with that pencil thing he did. Magnum P.I. – he made it work. Quick, name four other guys who look better with a mustache. Yep, though so. Mustaches were only cool in the late 70s and early 80s, and they weren’t even cool then. If you’re going to bring something back, let’s make it hot-pants.

• @allballsitch  – How about a movie that most resembles your life at some point of your life

My life is pretty plain and boring (if you’re a daily reader you know I write about normalcy and the humor contained within). I have thought about this topic for twenty seven minutes.  Yes, I counted. I have nothing. I don’t tend to see myself in movies. I went through many genres trying to find a match. So, instead, I’ll give you my favorite movies of all time.  Citizen Kane,  Casablanca,  Lawrence of Arabia,  This is Spinal Tap,  Vertigo. I sort of failed on this one, and it’s pissing me off. Thanks for pissing me off, anonymous Twitterer!

photo credit:  maccu  via  photo pin  cc

Then  read yesterday’s post  for round two.

Ahem…

• @moaniecracker  – Write my cover letter for me!

I am a really super great qualified candidate for this job. I get totally fired up about stuff, which is motivating for others. I show up early and will do the late thing, too. I eat at my desk, but quietly and without weird smells. My bathroom behavior is tolerable. I don’t need WhiteOut, because I don’t make mistakes. Hire me at your own risk – I’M EXPLOSIVE.

Loving it all,
Monica

• @nicoled1130  – people that drop food down their shirts?

This must be a woman thing. I haven’t dropped  foodstuffs ever down my shirt. But I will tell you what I did the other night. I was writing in bed, naked (as people do). My laptop was on my legs and I was eating  Jujyfruits. Since I didn’t want to keep shaking the box to get to the awesomeness, I pulled out about ten pieces and balanced them on my chest. Keep in mind that I have a super hairy chest and these candies get a bit sticky. The hair, however, did provide enough resistance to where the Jujyfruits did not fall off my chest.

• @rebeccajwill  – chupacabra

It was only a matter of time before someone suggested Chupacabra. First of all, let’s talk about Mexico and all the wonderful things they contribute to society. Tortillas. Okay, now that we’re done I think it’s safe to say that there may be more credible zoologists than those of Mexico. If Chupacabra existed, Steve Irwin would have wrestled him live on television several years before his death. But even if it does exist, do a few dead goats really matter? I stopped drinking goat’s milk five years back. I should have never trusted that Mexican nutritionist who told me to drink goat milk. It gave me worms.

• @mackiedeanv– start it with, I’m a man so….

photo credit:  finnmacginty  via  photo pin  cc

This will not be easy, by the way.

Ahem…

• @rubyaiadeluca  –  chewing ice…?

Ice is the dessert of water.  I don’t understand people that choose not to chew ice.  And also, let’s agree that the crushed ice is the only way to go.  People who would rather chew on long cubes than crushed ice are psychos.  Let’s face it – you can break a molar in half on a cube.  The main decision with ice is when to go at it.  Do you wait for the drink to be finished or during sips?  I hit the ice after the glass is empty, because, like I said earlier, it’s dessert.

• @atheistconfiden  Unicorns and the Craigslist Killer. Go.

Unicorns are like reindeer. I have to think for a second because I always forget if they’re real. They’re not, by the way. Maybe reindeer are, actually. Either way you’ve never seen one live. I love the idea that unicorns can only be captured by virgins. So that excludes you guys.

What I found most odd about the Craigslist killer was that his whole  shtick was robbing hookers. If you’re going to be a thief, why not aim higher like the Hope diamond? Go big or go home. Also, don’t kill hookers. It’s untoward.

• @Yogitastic  You can write about how utterly useless complaining to UPS is. No? Yeah, it’s not funny.

It IS useless complaining. Only half the time they leave a note if you’re gone, and even when you sign the back (I even put an arrow pointing) it never seems to work. But those uniforms are goddamned hilarious. Brown shorts, hat, and button-down. It’s like your mom dressing you for second grade. Plus, I don’t really want to see your pasty legs, delivery guy. I have my own to gross me out.

• @Samhaeyn  How any sammich compared to Subway is superior……go.

I’m with you, but three things. First, a little known fact is that Subway has spinach. But they keep it out of sight probably because it’s 7x more expensive than that iceberg lettuce they unload on you. Also, is it really necessary to swap gloves every sandwich? Are we that freaked out about someone’s meatball slider prepared twenty seconds earlier? Lastly, you’re not a “sandwich artist” if you’re making the same seven subs all day. How artistic can you be? I suppose you could sign the sub with your name in mayonnaise. That’s artistic.

• @kianwii  your first kiss  

…was with a girl named Maggie when I was sixteen. Yes, I was not exactly a ladies’ man as a teenager. Also, my sister was passed out on the couch next to her (it was her friend). We made out for awhile. It was awesome. I hope my sister didn’t wake up. Also hope she isn’t reading this.

• @joyandwoe  High school reunions: exactly how bullshitty are they?

I actually am the guy that plans our high school reunions. I was never on student govt or any of that crap. Literally nobody else will plan it. But ours are awesome. Here’s why. For our fifteen, I did it all on Facebook. I made a survey where the class got to say what weekend they wanted, what type of venue, if there should be food, who’s paying for drinks, etc. Everyone had input and it ended up being at a bar with a few apps, we were all in jeans, no nametags, a $10 cover to pay for the apps, and each paid for their own booze. It was fun.  Those $100 sit down dinners with formal wear I’m convinced nobody wants.

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Okay, round one is done.  I have many more to go, so be patient if yours hasn’t been done yet.  Here’s a photo of a cat chewing on something.

photo credit:  tuija2005  via  photo pin  cc