I’m currently taking a course with The Onion and each week we learn a few more of their “funny filters” and then are sent home to write ten headlines and one article. This is difficult for me.

Click here to read Week 1

Click here to read Week 2

This class we were taught three new filters – Reference, Character, and Irony. I won’t bore you with definitions of these filters, one because they’re relatively obvious, and two because nobody comes to this blog to be educated. People read this website for a chuckle, and usually at my expense. However, since I’m not writing about my folly these days you’ll have to settle for my submitted homework below.

I won’t even go into a whole thing about irony and how most people use the term incorrectly, because I actually enjoy that people say it wrong in that it makes me feel superior, and self esteem is important to me.

One positive thing that is happening as a result of the homework is that I write far fewer misses than hits. In previous weeks it would take fifty headlines to end up with ten winners. Now, I write maybe fifteen to get to ten. However, it still takes almost as many hours. Which means there’s a great deal of time where I’m staring at the wall waiting for a decent thought to emerge. Sometimes I’ll scan USA Today to see what’s going on in the world as a source of inspiration. If I was a smarter man I’d check out the Wall Street Journal but they have fewer pictures and use words I have to look up.

One of the exercises we perform each week in class, after learning that session’s funny filters, is immediately start writing examples of said filters. After a short period of time we pick our best and test them in class. Since we had just learned the particular joke structure minutes before, this is a way to test your resolve in humiliation. Because what you have just written is almost assuredly of poor quality, and you are now about to reveal it to all your classmates only to watch their blank expressions as the joke misses.

I’m a huge fan of Oliver Cromwell’s (minus the post mortem beheading), so here’s a few warts and all from this week’s in-class exercise.

Reference – Morning Of Dental Exam Area Man Decides To Start Flossing

Character – Shirtless Selfie Guy On Tinder Believes Optimal Lighting In Bathroom

Irony – After Baby’s Birth Dog Becomes Most Important Member Of Family

I’ll pause while you recover from holding your sides laughing maniacally. That’s sarcasm because they’re terrible. Well, I do like the Tinder one. But still. So, below is the homework I did submit, and I have to say, this was a bad week for me. I’m proud to say that I do get better as the classes progress from here. Bear with me.

– Headlines –

• Escape Room Experience Reveals Alpha Jerk In Circle Of Friends
• Bathroom Attendant Saw You Take Mint But Not Leave Tip
• Centaur Unsure Whether To Reveal Lower Half of Body In OkCupid Pics
• Terrifying Animatronic Chuck E Cheese Band To Embark On Nostalgia Tour
• Instacart Shopper Attempts To Conceal Judgement While Delivering Funyuns Order
• Emotional Support Peacock And Other Uncaged Birds Welcomed On Greyhound Buses
• Former Sous Vide Devotee Now All About Instapot
• Area Man’s DNA Home Test Reveals He’s 100% From Ohio
• Ed Sheeran Beats Out Four Silly Girls With Important Ballad About Body He Fancies
• Guy Who Wears Cologne To Office Doesn’t Understand Anger Directed At Him

– Article –

Area Man’s DNA Home Test Reveals He’s 100% From Ohio

TOLEDO—Local resident Jacob Smith expressed moderate disappointment when his 23andMe results showed that 100% of his DNA originated from the United States, and more specifically, Ohio, the state he was born in, grew up in, and currently resides. “My friend’s test showed that his ancestors are from Greece, Russia, and North Africa. My DNA shows that I’m mostly from Cleveland,” a defeated Jacob told reporters admitting that the report makes sense as that he remembered his grandparents once bragging that three generations of Smith family members all lived in the same cul-de-sac outside of Akron. “I was kind of kind of hoping for something more exotic, like Europe. Dutch would have been cool, I guess.” Jacob plans to visit Cincinnati later this year and reports that he’s excited for the Buckeyes upcoming season.

A few weeks ago I started a humor writing class with The Onion.

In this course we are taught about satire and how The Onion approaches comedy. The publication is known for its sharp, pithy headlines and these headlines are the primary focus of the class. Headlines, in fact, are so important, it’s how The Onion selects articles for publication. Every week hundreds of headlines are submitted by editors and five or so articles emerge from that list. Their very best writers only have about a 1 in 50 chance of their headline becoming an article. We are asked each week to bring our ten best headlines and one article to be evaluated by classmates and instructor.

I was pleased with my work in week one. The jokes went over in most cases, and I felt that I had the knack to keep knocking out decent work in subsequent sessions. This proved more difficult than I had anticipated. In week one it only took two hours to write fifty headlines. The reason to write fifty is that forty are bound to be terrible. For example I am 100% in love with this headline:

Study Finds Camels Who Smoke Prefer Kools

I’m clear that there’s not one person on the planet that will share my love of that headline. It’s dumb. So there’s no way I can submit it in class unless I’m interested in sucking all of out the funny of the room. And since I care very much what others think of me, I wouldn’t include that in my final list.

But still, two hours of work got me ten decent headlines which performed well in class. However, this past week, I spent ten hours to generate that same output. I’m not sure why it took three times longer, but I can tell you it was frustrating. When I whittled down my list of fifty, I wasn’t pleased with the final ten. By my estimate, only five of the ten were winners. And, I guess if I had put in another ten hours maybe I would have perfected all of them, but I don’t have that kind of time. Peaky Blinders doesn’t watch itself.

One bright spot was that my article came out stronger than last week. Read aloud in class most of the students didn’t laugh at the story, but that’s because I don’t think they understood the reference. My teacher thought it was good, and she’s the expert.

For your reading enjoyment (or non-enjoyment), here’s my submitted list, warts and all.

– Headlines –

• Alexa Always Listening, Silently Judging
• Man Encouraged Not To Ask Wife To Pick Up Dinner On Way Home From Women’s March
• Guy At Work Who Brags About Never Getting Sick Needs to Shut The Fuck Up
• Megyn Kelly Surprisingly Proud of Taking Down 80 Year Old Woman
• Local Man “Pretty Sure” Ex-Girlfriend Is Still Using His Netflix Account
• Multicolored Mystery Stain on Presenter’s Pant Leg Derails Corporate Meeting
• Gayle King Cancels “Gayle for VEEP” Bumper Sticker Order With A Deep Sigh
• First Monkey Successfully Cloned, Ready to Throw Feces At Zoo Patrons
• Shirtless Selfie Guy On Tinder Believes Best Photography Lighting In Bathroom

– Article –

Gwyneth Paltrow Re-Signs With Satan

LOS ANGELES, CA—A joint press release today announced that Goop CEO Gwyneth Paltrow and Lucifer have renewed their business partnership through 2023, with promises to continue to bring morally and ethically bankrupt products to Goop readers. “Goop is proud to keep working alongside the prince of darkness, or as we like to call him around the office, ‘the prince of profit!'” Paltrow joked, also noting that the success of Goop’s vaginal egg line, coffee enema cleanse kits, and frog venom antibiotics were entirely conceived and developed by the ruler of demons. “I’ve got a lot of ideas for new products that are both criminally dangerous to mind and spirit, and hilariously overpriced,” the fallen angel revealed with a smile, noting that Goop readers are always willing to put themselves at great personal risk while shelling out hundreds of dollars for incredibly stupid items.

In April 1992 I fell in love with National Lampoon Magazine.

I bought my first issue at a local drugstore and raced home, excited to find out if this would be a worthy successor to my Mad Magazine fascination as a child. I had matured, albeit slightly, and was seeking a more sophisticated type of funny. I found it in National Lampoon. I decided after reading the issue that I would make it a life’s goal to write something worthy of the magazine’s inclusion. The problem was that as a sophomore in high school, I had never written anything. Plus, I was unfunny. Oh, and the National Lampoon quit publishing about a year later. I shelved the dream of being a writer and re-focused my efforts on trying to bone senior Ashley Ripley who once smiled at me in homeroom, to which I assumed meant she wanted this (note – pointing currently at self). She didn’t.

About seven years ago I started ThoughtsFromParis because I figured I would DIY the dream of being a humor writer. Which sort of worked for the first few posts but then I ran out of stories. I knew that if I was going to continue I would need to talk more about myself. My blog became less about hilarious stories and more about finding the chuckle of everyday life. I have a normal job and not too much crazy happens to me on the regular.

After many years of writing about myself I feel that I have developed a strong skill set in this type of writing. But it’s never been what I wanted to do creatively. My dream was always to make up funny and outrageous stories that weren’t about me. Thankfully, some old National Lampoon editors have revived the idea with the hilarious print magazine American Bystander, and I’m close to submitting my first piece, which (at least the title) was well received by their editor in chief.

I also realized, in trying to complete the Bystander article, that I have very little ability in writing anything other than in the style of this dumb blog. I reached out to my friend Tim O’Malley for advice. Tim is one of the big-deals at Second City and knows what to do about such matters. He recommended a class that The Onion developed in partnership with Second City. I signed up immediately.

Over the remainder of this writing course I’ll be honing skills on how to write headlines and articles in the style of The Onion’s humor. Each week we submit ten headlines and one article to be evaluated and discussed by the professor and students. As a blogger, I’m not used to instant feedback. If I think something is good, I write it and click publish. Being in this class I’ve learned that not everything I pen resonates with other human beings. Watching something I’ve written fall flat in a room of other funny people is humbling and humiliating. It’s also a lot of fun.

Because I’m putting a ton of energy into this class I thought it might be interesting to post my weekly submissions. Please understand I know not all of these are winners. To get to ten headlines, I write close to fifty and edit down. I then take the strongest one of the ten and write a full article. This first batch was presented to the class the other night, and most of them were well-received.

By the way, these headlines and articles are in a very specific Onion style, called News in Brief.

– Headlines –

• Neighborhood Rabid Raccoon Wondering When Persecution Will End
• Study Finds Dogs Prefer Organic GMO-Free Kibble – Also Garbage
• Man Bravely Reheats Last Night’s Salmon Scaloppini In Company Microwave
• Chipotle CEO Admits He Has No Idea What Barbacoa Is
• Old Country Buffet in Shreveport Snubbed By Michelin. Again.
• Actual Shithole Countries Excited To Be In News
• Local Area Sexual Harasser Thrilled He’s Not A Celebrity These Days
• Study Finds High School Sex Down 44% – Teen Skanks Devastated
• Whole 30 Promises to Be Next Diet You Fail At

– Article –

Kevin Spacey Fan Club President Undeterred That Membership Is Down 8000%

SIOUX CITY, IA—Despite numerous shocking sexual abuse allegations against Hollywood actor Kevin Spacey, acting 2018 president of the a-lister’s fan club, Sherman Phillips, remains steadfast in supporting the celebrity through a fan-site and monthly print newsletter. “2017 was a tough year for our organization. Most of the management resigned, along with 97% of members,” Phillips said alluding to the actor’s troubles in the press, adding that they have begun selling rubber bracelets inscribed with WWFUD – What Would Frank Underwood Do in order to raise funds to keep the organization solvent. “Those [bracelets] are not selling well. However, we have a K-PAX temporary tattoo coming out next month which I believe will be a big hit with our remaining members.” When asked about the morality of keeping such a fan club active, Phillips deflected by launching into an impression of Spacey’s character from Glengarry Glen Ross where Spacey yells repeatedly at Alan Arkin to go to lunch.

This is an essay originally published at InThePowderRoom and is reprinted with permission. Also, these words were made funnier by the editorial goodness of Sarah del Rio.

In 2012, Bic released a line of pens designed exclusively for women. They were called Bic for Her™ and they were just like their regular pens except that they came in pink and purple. This made sense because women like pretty colors.

These pens were not well-received by bloggers, the media, or anyone who owned a uterus. In fact, the backlash was so severe that I assumed the Bic for Her™ line had been taken out of production. I was wrong. Not only are they still available, they sell surprisingly well on Amazon.

So I got to thinking—maybe these pens could help me. If I used these pens, would I find myself writing in a more feminine style? Would these pens unleash my inner caged bird, like Maya Angelou? Would I be able to sculpt metaphysical poems, like Emily Dickinson? (I’d give more examples, but those are the only female writers I know.)

Long story short, I decided to find out how well these Bic for Her pens work. For him!

When the Bic for Her package arrived, I chose the pink pen as it was the more girly of the two. Excited for the beautiful prose sure to follow, I grabbed my notebook and opened to a blank page. Before my pen touched paper, a spider darted across the floor. Normally, I would have chased the invader down and crushed him into the linoleum barefooted. Imagine my surprise when I leapt atop my desk, terrified. Also, I was screaming.

Whoa… that never happened with my non-pink Bics. I called my friend Bob who promised to come right over and take care of the spider—he muttered something as he hung up, but I didn’t quite catch it.

After Bob left, I sat back down at my desk with my pink pen. Perhaps I was moments away from writing the pre-eminent opinion on breastfeeding, but then I felt something… down there. I looked toward my lap and realized: OH, SHIT! I’M HAVING MY FIRST EVER SPOTTING DAY! And of course I was wearing my Gap white capris. Dejected, I found a bag of Hershey’s chocolate chips in my baking drawer, and ate three huge fistfuls. Then I binge-watched Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.

I ended up tossing the Bic for Her pens. Maybe they were literally just “for her,” because I felt better almost as soon as I got rid of them. There were no more emotional outbursts or weird cravings. I was able to think and act in a rational manner. Sure, my writing still sucked. But at least I didn’t have to worry about frizz humidity.

“I’m going to have something made to send out to all the people that write in questions for our column!” Allison responded with, “Uh huh. Have fun.” Okay, she wasn’t into it. In fact, I’ve witnessed more excitement in line at a salad bar. Now, to be fair, Allison’s and my communication mostly consist of me writing stupid things on email or instant message and then waiting for her to get annoyed. Just yesterday I was drawing up the graphic for our newest column. As a goof I created an additional one which I emailed over with, “Next month, I have our topic.” This was attached.

Allison’s entire reply?

*sighs loudly*

Deep down I believed she laughed. But she doesn’t want to encourage me. Allison thinks my ego is big enough and has made it clear that someone needs to dress me down. So, even when I have what I think are great ideas, she’s often lukewarm. And, to be fair, her compass is well-tuned. Over the holiday break I ran with this idea that I would come up with something to send out to the people that write in questions for our column. When I landed on, “Stickers! We’ll send them a sticker!” Allison was confused. “Nobody wants a sticker, D.J. Least of all, about us.” However, I had already paid someone a few shekels to draw caricatures about us. I figured once she saw the end result, her opinion would change. After a week the artist completed the job. I emailed over the proof for Allison’s approval. As expected, she hated it.

“Once again, I’m really not excited about this idea. Nobody needs another sticker and, by the way, that doesn’t even look like me!” I replied with, “It looks exactly like you. Now shaddup.” And, it does look like her. Way more more than mine. At least she doesn’t resemble an early-forties lesbian. I was going to ask the artist to draw in chest hair, which would have made people vomit, but at least confirmed my masculinity.

To me this was a slam dunk. We’d sign a bunch of these in advance, and then if when we answered questions we’d mail out a sticker. It’s a goodwill gesture and us showing appreciation to the readers. I’m not unrealistic, however. I’m aware someone would receive this sticker and deposit it directly into their garbage disposal. But that didn’t matter to me. I wanted to go above and beyond for the people nice enough to support us. And, in theory, it is a good idea.

There were a few problems, however. First, we don’t ask for anyone’s email in the question submission form. This is by design because often people write in anonymously with personal details about themselves or their families. So, I’d have to add that field to the form, and then email them asking for a mailing address. “Hey, muskassistant@tesla.com, thank you for your question about how to handle your boss’s infatuation with staring at your butt when putting away files. Where should we send this thank you sticker?” It sort of undermines the whole anonymity premise of the column.

I assumed Allison’s reluctance was a smokescreen for her true feeling that she didn’t like the caricature of herself. So I ignored her complaints and almost ordered a few hundred stickers. But, the truth was she just didn’t think it was a good idea. I disagreed, but after I reflected on it, she was right. Most people aren’t going to want to provide their personal information and, even if they do, aren’t going to get excited about a dopey sticker.

So, the sticker project is scrapped. I’m working on some other ideas to thank our readers. Here’s a prototype I’m toying with. A thank you throw pillow. Practical and classy!

photo credit: Bill David Brooks iphone 6 Plus Elon Musk Wallpaper via photopin (license)

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Women terrified me until I was twenty-two.

Without hyperbole I had a full, blown-out phobia of the fairer sex. Also bees. I can remember in first grade there was a girl who I wanted to date, or whatever we called it back then. I knew that I wasn’t good looking enough, however. That horrible self-image lasted until (in college) my first girlfriend told me that I was handsome. And she was beautiful. With her validation I realized that all those years I had been lying to myself. It’s not like after that moment I walked around campus believing I was chiseled from stone. But I no longer thought of myself as ugly. All it took was one person’s compliment and my lifetime of thinking I was gross-looking went away. I’d love to tell you that I came to an acceptance of my attractiveness through intense self-exploration and maturity. Nope. It just took the prettiest girl I knew to tell me I was hot. Sometimes that’s all you need.

The best part about being comfortable about one’s looks is that I simply stopped thinking about it. I don’t consider myself good looking or ugly. If I saw a beautiful woman sizing up the tangerines at the grocery, I’d approach. I’d get rejected, most likely, but it wouldn’t be confirmation that I was ugly. It would be confirmation that she has horrible taste. She’d continue on with her shopping, but make a near-fatal error reaching for the buttered pie tins in the baking aisle. She’d slip due to a not-yet-cleaned-up-but-still-invisible layer of coconut oil on the linoleum that a previous patron had knocked over. The cart and weight of its contents would press against her neck cutting off her ability to breathe. The irony of being killed by food which brings us life would not be lost on me! Despite my humiliation moments before, I’d spring to action. Using brawn, I’d remove the cart from her neck restoring her carotid artery to its working function. She’d kiss me deeply and whisper that she was sorry and had misjudged me over by the Mexican bananas. And then I’d laugh and say, “Don’t worry about it, kid.” I’d turn my back and leave the store a hero. Stock boys would toast me every December at the employee holiday party.

The point is that women don’t freak me out anymore. I found that after the phobia lifted, I enjoyed their company. I don’t understand them, of course. They’re nuts. Everyone knows that. But, I get along with women. I dig hanging with them.

When this blog began someone told me to go BlogHer, an all-women’s conference. Since I do what people tell me, I went. At the time I was writing for a humor website (the now defunct AimingLow) which was staffed by women. If I remember correctly I was the only male staff writer. That brings me to InThePowderRoom.

I met Leslie Marinelli at the Aiming Low Non-Conference, which actually was a conference, but we’re cool and irreverent and make fun of things like conferences. I also knew Leslie because she contributed to AimingLow and I was a fan of her work.

Every year I’d see Leslie at a conference or two and we’d chat it up about something. Once I was walking with Kate Hall and Stephanie Sprenger, both bonafide successes in the blogging world, and Leslie messaged me that I better get my ass down to the hotel lobby stat. Kate and Stephanie looked at me and said, “You know Leslie Marinelli?” I said I did and they both squealed with delight and asked if they could tag along. Everyone adores Leslie and she has true celebrity status in the blogging community. I just have a that’s-the-weird-guy-who-goes-to-women’s-blogging-conferences status.

At some point a few years ago Leslie took full control of InThePowderRoom and became its sole owner. Since it’s clear from the site’s title that the focus is on women, it never occurred to me to ask to write something for them. But, 99% of my blogging friends were women, most of my readers were women, and I feel like I can crank out toxic shock jokes like a broad. So, earlier this year I reached out to Sarah, the deputy editor, and pitched an idea. My thought was that it could be an interesting concept if a guy reviewed women’s products. If you watch television commercials you’ll see that men are often portrayed as morons. I would adopt a persona of a bumbling guy who would take a product specifically designed for a woman and write about how it confused him. Since their readers are largely married women with husbands, I felt this idea hit their demographic perfectly. I’d represent their idiot husbands. Sarah pitched to Leslie and they agreed to give it a test.

Since I’m not privy to their stats I have no idea if their audience actually liked my column. But Sarah and Leslie liked it. And we worked out an arrangement where I would give them exclusive, fresh content every month. This was a big deal to me. It was an honor to write for them on the regular and I worked like crazy on each sentence to make it perfect. Leslie’s the kind of person that, if I tweeted out a link to their site and it generated big traffic, she’d email to thank me directly. That’s thoughtful.

Sadly, Leslie and Sarah announced recently that the site has stopped publishing. It may be temporary, but nobody knows. While it never would have occurred to me to ask, Leslie reminded me that the contract I signed allowed me to republish the content I created for them on my own blog after a certain amount of time has passed. So, over the next few months I’ll start dripping in those pieces, because they are pretty damned funny. Because Sarah and Leslie are damned funny and they knew how to edit my stuff to make it better.

I hope they reopen the store at some point and I can’t wait to get back to work reviewing women’s products. There’s something called a Hermes Burkin bag which is like 20k and I have a lot to say about it. Just kidding. I have nothing to say about it. But I’ll make some shit up and send it over to Leslie and hope that she publishes it. Because that’s what you do with your friends. You build things together.

I’m honored to have been part of InThePowderRoom’s history and glad to have met Leslie. I doubt she’s written me into her will, but if she croaks and leaves the site to me, I’ll reopen it immediately. I even have a new tagline – “We Don’t Poop Because Women Don’t Do That.” Also, we’re going to have a lot more nudity. Playboy folded and that created a hole that needs filling. Unintentional pun there, but I’m leaving it in.

Thank you to Leslie and InThePowderRoom for creating amazing content for many years.

Here’s a link to everything I wrote for InThePowderRoom.

I’m going to write a part II to this celebration of InthePowderRoom discussing Leslie’s right-hand-woman, Sarah del Rio. She gets her own article.

I always wanted a writing partner. One with boobs, preferably.

Well, let me back that up. Actually I have never wanted a writing partner.  I’m far too controlling and I believe my creative ideas are superior to others. Or, if someone was more talented than me and I knew it, the unconscious jealousy would cause me to undermine our efforts until the whole thing imploded. Plus, I just do not play well with others when it comes to comedy. Now, that being said, I’ve always still wanted to be around people as funny as me. Or funnier. Years ago I started writing for Aiming Low, when that was still a thing. I was hired on their JV squad with two other humorists. One is a syndicated columnist in 400 newspapers. The other received an “A” from Entertainment Weekly on her recent book. Both are insanely funny. When it was announced I’d be on the team, I became very scared. This is a good thing. It caused me to up my game and compete at their level. Someone thought I had enough potential with literally zero writing credits to my name. That meant something to me. And I wasn’t going to let them down.

These days I write for InThePowderRoom. I pestered the head editor and owner for years before they gave me a shot. In fact, I have a deadline this Thursday and I’m nervous as shit about it. But when I push send in a few days with the final draft, I know it’s going to be fucking awesome. Because that is our agreement. To send in something fucking awesome every month. And here’s the oddest part – it turns out that everything I’ve sent them has been great. It doesn’t take a logician to figure out why. Accountability and Community.

When I have a deadline, I’ll make it happen. When I’m around people funnier than me, I get funnier. Simple.

Okay, now let me take you back to a month ago when my last piece was published on InThePowderRoom. I received a very nice tweet from someone I didn’t know complementing the work. I’m a sucker for compliments, but I’m even more of a sucker for a pretty face. And this woman has one. So, because I’m a guy who likes pretty girls who compliment him, I tapped on her Twitter profile. Turned out she’s a writer, too. With a few impressive credits. I clicked on one. It was good. I read another. Also good. Actually, better than good. Really good.

I wrote her back and we started chatting. This was perfect timing as I was starting the hunt for someone I could write a monthly column with. I pitched her on an advice column. She readily accepted. Her name’s Allison Arnone and I’m excited to announce our first feature. Now, here’s where you come in.

We’re going to pick a topic each month, and you’re going to write in with your issues around it. For example, this month we’re tackling “work”. Maybe you’re curious if you should tell your boss off (you shouldn’t), or if it’s okay to sleep with your secretary (it’s not), or if Cindy in purchasing has it out for you (she doesn’t). Maybe you’re contemplating quitting the rat race and heading to your guru’s ashram in the Himalayas (bad idea). Or maybe it’s a family business and your sister is stealing from the till (catch her on camera and email the evidence from an anonymous gmail account). Whatever your problem is around the workplace, Allison and I are going to solve it.

Allison and I disagree on just about everything. I think she’s crazy, she thinks the same about me. This wouldn’t make for a good marriage, but it will make for a good advice column. Oh, and we have the exact same lamp. We figured this out by accident when I was bragging about a new lamp I had purchased. Some might call this a sign. I wouldn’t because I’m not a moron. It’s a coincidence. A cool coincidence.

So, here is the form where you can anonymously send in your issues regarding the workplace. Oh, and what makes Allison and I qualified to give you help about your workplace (or lack thereof)? Nothing. I mean, we both have jobs, so that’s something. But I’m confident we’ll give you the correct advice. Well, at least I will. Allison can be moody because she’s a girl and girls are moody. It has to do with moon cycles and tides and stuff. So, take her opinions less seriously. This is why she dislikes me by the way.

Once again, click here to submit your work issue. And don’t worry, we’ll be changing it up each month. I’m pushing hard for “body hair” for next month because, well, body hair is funny. But this month is work. So, send those issues in. Help is on the way.

Over the years I’ve been asked to do interviews. Most of the time they go live (like this one on InThePowderRoom). But other times, for reasons not disclosed to me, the interview never surfaces. Which is fine, of course. This has happened about a dozen times. I never take it personally aside from setting up a fake Twitter account to troll the publication incessantly with tweets about how the head editor sleeps with livestock and may be involved in terrorist sleeper cell recruitment.

When a website reaches out for an interview, I spend a decent amount of time putting together my answers. I have pride in my work and I care very much what people think. Plus, they might have an audience that isn’t yet familiar with me (unlikely) and is hungry to develop an unhealthy fan obsession with my written words (likely).

This most recent “lost interview” happened a month ago. A website I wasn’t familiar with reached out. I never bothered to look up the site before launching into the silliest answers I could craft. After I finished I thought it might make sense to check out their website. This particular site seems to be comprised of  interviews with famous to barely-famous people. Since I’m in the “not famous at all” category, it became obvious to me that I was never going to see my dick jokes on their home page. And I don’t blame them. I’m sure the editor-in-chief had an intern email a bunch of bloggers and then when sthe intern pushed my answers across her boss’s desk, the boss went, “No – French people are boring. Pass.”

I did have a “star” moment a few months ago at a humor conference. I was there as an attendee and hanging out at a cocktail event on the first night. A woman came over with a pad and pen and interrupted a fabulous fourth trimester abortion joke that I was telling a group of people. She wanted an autograph. I thanked her for making me look like a big shot in front of my friends, then pulled her aside and told her if she ever interrupted me again I was going to remove the blade I carry in my sock and carve my autograph into her neck (neck tat jokes are very chic these days). She told me her name was Darlene so I wrote, “Marla – it was a pleasure meeting you. Nice tits! – D.J.”

Back to this most recent interview. Since I’m confident it’s not going to be published (it’s been over a month), I figured I’d share it with you here. Dolly Parton is currently their featured interview, and let’s face it, Dolly has a whole amusement park named after her and I do not. To go from Dolly one day to D.J. the next would be an admission that the site is folding. But let’s say that all the other interviews after Dolly fall through and they do publish mine. Odds are they’d whack up the content and not show you the best stuff. So, here’s the full, unedited session.

Since I’m not going to reveal the actual interview website, let’s pretend it was conducted by WeirdMexicanWrestlingMasksMonthly – a publication dedicated to the trends, styles, and fabrics of Lucha libre. You know,
those booths at your local street festival where tight fitting Latin face-masks are sold. I haven’t any clue who buys that crap (unless you are, in fact, a professional Mexican wrestler).

Complete Transcript of Interview with D.J. Paris by WeirdMexicanWrestlingMasksMonthly.

What is your full name?

D.J. Paris. Technically, that’s not my full name but you would think I was goofing around if I typed the whole thing out. Oh, and I’m a “third” as well.

It’s a long, Spanish name and kind of ridiculous. D.J. is easier.

Where do you live?

Lincoln Park, Chicago

If you were asked to describe yourself in one word, what would that word be?

Massivedong – that’s one word, yes?

What is your personal mantra? (The phrase in your heart and head that defines how your choices and how you live)

You can always be richer and thinner. Seriously, I believe that fulfillment comes from effort. Since all that we can control in this world is our own action, that’s what ultimately defines my happiness. The more I do, the better I feel.

Briefly tell us about you and your life.

I have a marketing job which eats up my daily 9am – 5pm. Since I love my career and get to bring my dog to the office I blog at night and on weekends.

What is the name of your blog? When was it launched?

ThoughtsFromParis. It launched April of 2010.

Share with us the primary focus of your blog and what you hope to accomplish through it.

As a writer I focus in three areas – humor, vulnerability, and truth. I write about my own life incorporating those three characteristics into each piece.

What I’m trying to do is find a way to entertain myself though writing. My goal when I sit down to write is that I want to read it back the next day surprised at my own brilliance. I wish I was joking.

List any blogger awards you have won.

I’ve never applied for a blog award so I have no idea. I think I’ve been nominated and won some stuff, but don’t ask me to remember specifics. Most recently I’m going to be the keynote speaker at BlogU this June.

Are you a Brand Ambassador and if so, for which companies?

Occasionally I’ll do a campaign for a brand but only if I’m a huge fan. In most instances I’ll contact the brand directly and tell them my idea. 95% of the time they don’t write back. Jerks.

Which social media outlet do you find most helpful? (Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, Twitter, etc)

For me it’s Twitter. I have almost 150k followers. This sounds impressive until you realize that Paris Hilton (the other famous Paris) has 14 million followers. She’s also the highest paid DJ in the world. I’ll pause for a second while you recover from slamming your head into the desk repeatedly.

What is the one piece of advice you would give to anyone interested in beginning a blog?

If you care about people reading your blog, go find your audience. Make a list of blogs that have readers that might like your content. Start writing great comments on those blogs. Share posts on social media. Is it a lot of work? Yep. Does it work? Yes.

Share some names of favorite blogs you follow.

Well, I write for InThePowderRoom, and that’s about the funniest site out there right now. I don’t read a lot of other people’s blogs, but only because I’m self-obsessed. If anything I’ll pick up one of Woody Allen’s books, read a few pages, and then feel devastated that I’ll never be that funny.

Are you an entrepreneur or professional beyond your blog? Please share.

I was sitting around with my girlfriend recently and had an eureka moment. With all these subscription services I realized nobody has launched a “Period of the Month” club. Each month you’d get the hippest new tampon flooding the market (pun intended). Also, I’d throw in some bubble bath and a piece of
chocolate. It’s called “Cursebox.”

What one question have you always wanted to be asked? Write here and answer it as well.

Q. How do you have all your hair at 40 and why is it still so blonde?

A. (shrugs shoulders) DNA and shit?

Share a social cause or cause-based organization close to your heart.

Every other week I spend time with developmentally disabled men at an organization in Chicago called Misericordia. We hang out and do guy stuff. Lots of talking, watching TV and farting. It’s a great time and I’m honored that they choose my company.

When all is said and done, how do you want to be remembered?

Being remembered is unimportant to me, but what keeps me up and night is being on my deathbed and thinking, “I never went for it.” I want to die peacefully with the notion that I gave it my all. That being said, I hope many people cry at my funeral.

Once in a while I make a good life decision. Recently, I worked out an exclusive content agreement with beloved humor site InThePowderRoom. This means I write fresh stuff for them every month.

My deadline for this month’s article is Thursday. I’m nowhere near finished. It’s a funny idea but I need to cram in a few more jokes before submitting it to the head editor, Sarah. She and I go way back and the last thing either one of us wants is for her to have to tell me the piece sucks and to rewrite.

The column is where I review a woman’s product every month. And since I don’t understand women at all, I love the concept. A few months ago I wrote about The Diva Cup and last month about a cookie that is supposed to grow a woman’s boobs by up to three cup sizes. I’m writing this announcement here because I forgot to promote the cookie piece.

You should go read it right now.

I’m not one of those assholes that asks for comments or shares because I hate when writers do that. But if you want to write the publisher and tell her how fortunate she is to have my talents exclusive to her website, well, I’m not going to stop you. I’m not going to write you into my will or anything, but maybe I’ll visit you in a dream and engage you in an intense makeout session. I’ve been studying astral travel for a few months and it’s actually really easy to penetrate someone’s dreams. I do it all the time. Also, if you cheat in a dream, it’s not really your fault and it’s not considered adultery. You don’t even have to tell your partner. I certainly won’t!

Chicks only.

Above image is the Copyright of Hold My Purse Productions, LLC.