What I found sort of funny is that there were three Paris's at Paris Club.   Okay, that's really more cute that funny.  What WAS funny is that it didn't even occur to me that our last name was the restaurant's name.

Even stranger – my sister, Dana Paris, is an exec over at L'Oreal Paris.

My connection to our last name is simply a lampshade I have in my bedroom in the shape of the Eiffel Tower.  Not very impressive.

By the way, I need to spend a minute talking about lampshades.

After the Eiffel Tower lampshade started looking crummy,   I tossed it and put “get new lampshade” on my to–do list.

That was two months ago.

I can't figure out where the hell to go to get one.

I work directly across from a Bed Bath & Beyond and a Home Depot.   “Surely they must have lampshades,” you say!   No.  No,   they do not.

So right now you're thinking, “Buying a lampshade is easy!”  But you're wrong.  Try to name three places that sell lampshades.  You can't.  I have a Target two blocks from me.  They don't either.

I know I can order one online,   but I'm worried it would look funky,   not fit, etc.

Okay,  I know you don't care about lampshades and you're tired of reading about it.

At dinner last night I ate incredible dishes such as pig feet, lamb meatballs, and pâté,  I get home and start talking with my future editor about this new humor site she's launching to which I'm going to contribute.

She sends me over an email with a list of blogs that she loves and specific articles she finds funny.  These are to serve as examples of the kind of content she wants for the new site.

There's also some comments from her in the margins – personal notes about what she likes about a particular blogger or story.

I get about two pages into this document and I see a few of my own stories with notes.

I didn't think anything of it, as this is not a big deal.  Surprisingly, somebody got a little offended I wrote about when I did the dad's dick stories.  Prude.

So, about thirty seconds after my eyeballs reached this part of the story, I got an urgent instant message.

Her:  Wait!  I sent you the wrong thing!  Don't read that!

Me:   What?  The thing about my story?  No big deal.

Her:  It's really a compliment, actually.  Sort of.  But I don't want you to feel bad.

Me:  Seriously, I didn't even have a bad thought about it.  Don't worry.

Her: Now I feel like a jerk!

Then I spent the next five minutes trying to convince her I was all right.  I mean, if she would have called it “…an abortion of an article, but a really bad abortion, like a fourth trimester abortion” (that's a particularly bad abortion), then maybe I would have felt not so great.

Oh, speaking of…  I'm currently working on my next feature-length  story on the time I was forced to watch a video in high school that showed an actual abortion.  Thanks mom and dad for sending your non-Catholic son to Catholic school!

And I learned I have a very sweet and thoughtful editor.  Also one that doesn't like stories about Steve Agee.  So, fuck her.

However, in my experience, this rarely ever happens.

I post to my Twitter account daily.   Mostly just jokes; one-liners that I think of when going about my day.   However, I get virtually no responses from my tweets.   I have about 150 people that “follow me” which should indicate that every once in awhile I would engage in a real conversation.   But it never happens.

I'm sure it could happen, if I spent more time learning how to network on Twitter.   But the truth is, I really don't care.   I'm not looking for new friends.   I have a difficult enough time keeping in touch with the ones I have.   That's where Facebook comes in.   I actually enjoy finding out what my high school and college friends are doing, even the mundane stuff like whose kids are sick, and who missed their morning cup of coffee.

So, why do I use Twitter?   One reason and one reason only.   Access to celebrities.

I'm fascinated with celebrity.   And now, amazingly, you can follow and even communicate with your favorites.

They don't always communicate back.   In fact, I seldom get a response when I tweet a celebrity.   But sometimes they do.

So, I'd like to welcome you to a new feature I'm calling…

Steve Agee

While you might not recognize Steve from his name, you should from his picture.   He plays one of the homosexual neighbors (with Brian Posehn) on “The Sarah Silverman Program.” He's really funny, and a good stand-up comic.   I've listened to several interviews with him and he seems like a nice guy.

At the time of this post, he's the 103rd most followed person on Twitter (Jeremy Piven is #104).   He has over 1.1mm followers.   That's a lot.

I can't imagine how many people send him messages every day.   Has to be at least a hundred or more.   It must just be a constant barrage “You rule!” or “You suck!” tweets coming at him all day long.

So, imagine my surprise when I goofed on him for making a bad joke, and he responded.

Steve's Original Tweet

Now, let's pause for a minute to explain this tweet.   He's in a car, listening to a classic rock station, and Tom Petty's “Refugee” comes on the radio.   The main hook in the song is “You don't ha-have to live like a refugee.”   It's sung about 649 times in under three minutes.   Anyone who has heard this song has found themselves singing this line for days after.

So, ha ha, right?   No.   This is not a good joke.   It's pretty much just taking that line and changing one word.   Hell, even I have thought of this joke, and that was back in high school.   And, it wasn't funny back then.   So, I decided to call him out on it.

My Response

So, I'm basically saying that this joke maybe worked back in 1981 more close to the time that song was released.   Had I done a little research I would have discovered that “Refugee” came out in late 1979.   But, I was in the neighborhood.

Now, like I said, I'm sure every time Steve writes anything he gets a lot of replies from assholes like me.   The truth was, this was the very first tweet I ever sent him.   So, you can imagine my surprise when he addressed me directly.

Steve's Response

Okay, that's funny.   I'm not sure if he's actually upset, or just playing it up for the sake of the aggressive comeback.   Either way, it made me laugh.

Here's a tweet I pre-wrote for Steve to use, should he choose to continue with song references:

“It's MY prerogative to turn to a different station, Bobby Brown!”

Now, that's comedy gold, Steve.   My treat to you.   No charge.