This will not be easy, by the way.
Ahem…
- @rubyaiadeluca – chewing ice…?
Ice is the dessert of water. I don’t understand people that choose not to chew ice. And also, let’s agree that the crushed ice is the only way to go. People who would rather chew on long cubes than crushed ice are psychos. Let’s face it – you can break a molar in half on a cube. The main decision with ice is when to go at it. Do you wait for the drink to be finished or during sips? I hit the ice after the glass is empty, because, like I said earlier, it’s dessert.
- @atheistconfiden Unicorns and the Craigslist Killer. Go.
Unicorns are like reindeer. I have to think for a second because I always forget if they’re real. They’re not, by the way. Maybe reindeer are, actually. Either way you’ve never seen one live. I love the idea that unicorns can only be captured by virgins. So that excludes you guys.
What I found most odd about the Craigslist killer was that his whole shtick was robbing hookers. If you’re going to be a thief, why not aim higher like the Hope diamond? Go big or go home. Also, don’t kill hookers. It’s untoward.
- @Yogitastic You can write about how utterly useless complaining to UPS is. No? Yeah, it’s not funny.
It IS useless complaining. Only half the time they leave a note if you’re gone, and even when you sign the back (I even put an arrow pointing) it never seems to work. But those uniforms are goddamned hilarious. Brown shorts, hat, and button-down. It’s like your mom dressing you for second grade. Plus, I don’t really want to see your pasty legs, delivery guy. I have my own to gross me out.
- @Samhaeyn How any sammich compared to Subway is superior……go.
I’m with you, but three things. First, a little known fact is that Subway has spinach. But they keep it out of sight probably because it’s 7x more expensive than that iceberg lettuce they unload on you. Also, is it really necessary to swap gloves every sandwich? Are we that freaked out about someone’s meatball slider prepared twenty seconds earlier? Lastly, you’re not a “sandwich artist†if you’re making the same seven subs all day. How artistic can you be? I suppose you could sign the sub with your name in mayonnaise. That’s artistic.
- @kianwii your first kiss
…was with a girl named Maggie when I was sixteen. Yes, I was not exactly a ladies’ man as a teenager. Also, my sister was passed out on the couch next to her (it was her friend). We made out for awhile. It was awesome. I hope my sister didn’t wake up. Also hope she isn’t reading this.
- @joyandwoe High school reunions: exactly how bullshitty are they?
I actually am the guy that plans our high school reunions. I was never on student govt or any of that crap. Literally nobody else will plan it. But ours are awesome. Here’s why. For our fifteen, I did it all on Facebook. I made a survey where the class got to say what weekend they wanted, what type of venue, if there should be food, who’s paying for drinks, etc. Everyone had input and it ended up being at a bar with a few apps, we were all in jeans, no nametags, a $10 cover to pay for the apps, and each paid for their own booze. It was fun. Those $100 sit down dinners with formal wear I’m convinced nobody wants.
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Okay, round one is done. I have many more to go, so be patient if yours hasn’t been done yet. Here’s a photo of a cat chewing on something.
Here’s another story that I’m sure many of you can relate to (and yes, I know you aren’t supposed to end sentences with prepositions, but it still works conversationally so I don’t care).
I used to be a juicing freak. No, not steroids. I’m talking about making freshly squeezed fruit and vegetable juice. I’ve owned four different juicers over the years if that clues you into my obsession.
It’s ironic that I juice since I often eat fast food and hardly exercise. But anyway.
I had never thought of juicing a beet before. One of the guys I worked with, Kevin, told me they were great for your liver. Since I was a pretty awful booze-bag, this seemed like a good idea. If you haven’t seen a raw beet, they’re kind of intimidating. They’re really hard and big.
Trying to cut into a beet is not easy. You need a decent knife. Also, do it in the sink, because your hands will look like you just committed homicide. It will freak you out. If you get any of it on your clothes, you may as well toss ’em. I cut beets with my shirt off and my chest hair would end up looking like Ralph Malph’s head.
Okay, let’s move this story along. Actually to the end. So I juiced a beet and mixed it with spinach and six other vegetables. Yes, I know – this is riveting storytelling. An hour later I went to the water closet.
Now, if you know what I’m going to say next, YOU KNOW WHAT I’M GOING TO SAY NEXT.
I nearly fainted. If you’ve never experienced what I’m talking about, I’m sure you have a pretty good idea. Beets do a very interesting thing to your insides. I really have no idea what, but man is it intense.
Because when you go to make number one, it will test your ability to not pass out.
We’ve all giggled about how asparagus makes your pee smell. And by the way, I would amend that with “makes your pee smell AWESOME” – it’s like a little magic trick you can do with your body. God, that’s fun.
Beets do something fun too, but you have to know in advance. And somehow, my entire life, nobody had clued me into this craziness. Maybe less people know because beets sort of suck? Nobody really hits the raw beet aisle over asparagus at the grocer.
I was trembling and I called Kevin. “Hey man, do beets, uh, make things red? Because I may be dying.”
He was laughing when he told me, “Same thing happened to me! I freaked out! Yes, they turn your pee red. Wait until you see what they do to your shit!”
He was totally right.
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