My condo is usually less than perfectly clean, I don’t spend more than 30 seconds on my hair (brushes and combs are lame), and once a week I go to sleep without brushing my teeth.

I don’t use any moisturizer on my face nor do I wear cologne.

But I also have never slept in a tent or gone hunting.   I don’t watch sports and during the Superbowl I have to ask which team has the dark jerseys.   Then I have to ask what the other team’s name is.

I probably fall in the middle when it comes to masculinity.

One thing that sends me screaming like a little girl at a Debbie Gibson concert, though, is when someone cracks their knuckles.

Desperately need to update my pop culture references. The obvious choice would have been Justin Bieber but something about him really creeps me out.

Let’s face it – cracking your knuckles is gross.

Only twice in my life have I had my knuckles cracked and they were both by other people.   In both instances I freaked out after the first one and refused to participate further.

Actually, that’s not entirely true.  I was getting a massage in Santa Fe recently, and the woman cracked each of my toe knuckles.  No jive.  It was so weird.  But I went with it.

When I hear someone cracking their knuckles, my face gets pale for a second. I recover quickly usually by thinking about something more pleasurable, like the pizza I am going to binge on that evening.

To me cracking your knuckles in public is a distant cousin of picking your nose.

But am I the only one who gets fouled out at knuckle cracking?

Let’s say “no” so that I don’t feel so alone.

Salvador Dali also had a rocking mustache.

Just thought I’d share a piece I bought in Santa Fe, strictly because it made me laugh as I entered the gallery.   I’m a huge Salvador Dali fan.

An artist took Salvador Dali and his mustache and swapped out an old photo of Pancho Villa.   This piece actually won an award in Santa Fe and was on the recent cover of an art magazine.

I hung it in my second bathroom facing the toilet, so if you’re a man, it’s directly at eye level when you make water.

No joke here – just wanted to brag about this purchase.   I’m classy and sophisticated!

What?   You didn’t?

That’s hurtful, goddammit!

I bet you didn’t miss Top Chef!   Seriously, is that good?   What is it, a bunch of cooks hanging around with their Ginzus?   No offense, but watching people cook doesn’t interest me when I’m IN a restaurant.

If the maître d’ came over during dinner and offered to let me watch the chef prepare my meal, I am 100% certain I would tell him that I’d rather stare at my date’s cleavage.   “Ooh, now he’s doing the garnish!”   Who cares?

Stuff you missed…

• Santa Fe With Mom – In Photos – Part I – Some visual nonsense from my mother and I on our trip to Santa Fe.
• Santa Fe With Mom – In Photos – Part II – Would you believe even MORE visual nonsense from our Santa Fe trip?
• I Fell In Love With a Girl Who Had Already Seen Me Naked And Then Rejected Me – Ever been rejected by a girl you really like?   Ever been rejected by a girl who had seen your testicles before you knew she had seen your testicles?
• Sunday, I’m On TV! (For Five Minutes On NBC If You Live In Chicago) – D.J. on television talking about divorce and finding love again (not that I’ve found love).
• I’m at My Fattest and Unfunniest – A Confession – Well, if you’d like to not laugh and get dangerously close to wanting to slit your own wrists, read on!   Not one good dick joke in the whole article!

To recap my last entry, I had a super great time in Taos with a llama.   It’s weird to have an animal who is near my height that will walk with you and carry your stuff.     They’re even a little bashful – when they have to go to the bathroom, they leave the trail and go off to the side!   Just like me!

Enough about the llamas.   I’m even boring myself.   (I’m just kidding.   I never bore myself.)

Another thing that’s worth mentioning is this spa we visited.   My mom and I drove an hour up to Ojo Caliente for a day of relaxation.   It’s been hard eating nothing but food with green chiles for three days.   Well, it has actually been sort of hard on my fanny.   And my mother who is sharing a room with said fanny.

How come nobody says the word fanny in America?   I know in England it means vagina, but here it just means your backside.   Plus, it’s super-hilarious.   Let’s all make a more concerted effort, okay?

Ojo Caliente is best known for having really amazing natural springs.   Think hot-tubs, but with other shit in them besides water.

The four types of springs are:

• Iron
• Soda
• Mud
• Arsenic

So, after you get your robe on, and a shower (which, by the way, I didn’t do), you can then enter the spa pools.   Each pool is supposed to have unique healing properties, and do different stuff to your body.   I’m sure it’s all nonsense.   I, however, felt the best in the arsenic pool.   I didn’t have the balls to take a drink of it, though.

The mud pool is a lot of fun.   First you go to this big bowl of mud.   Then you slather it all over yourself like a moron.   Next, you hang out in the sun until it’s all baked on.   Then, after looking like you developed a really sever case of vitiligo, you jump in the mud pool and pee like crazy.   Okay, that’s not in the official instructions.   You’re just supposed to hang out there while the mud washes off.

Anyway, it was really fun, and I’m sure offered no dermatological value.

My mom and I did two hiking things, and we had both never hiked before.   Spoiler – it’s like walking but costs $220.   But our guide did provide water.   I’m sort of making a joke, but I would like to go hiking again.   I’ll even buy some hiking shoes and not wear khaki dress shorts!

I had a lot of fun here in Santa Fe, although the general energy is a little too laid back for me.   I mean, they have two Whole Foods in a town of only seventy thousand people.   Hippies are right at home.   As long as you’re a hippie that has 700k to buy a studio apartment, that is.   The art is amazing, though, and if you’re one of those gluten defectives, then this is the place for you.

Well, between the food, outdoors, and the arts, Santa Fe is a pretty fantastic town.   Now, back to Chicago.   Tried to come up with a joke there.   Failed.

See, that’s what this place does!   Kills all jokes.   Nobody has a sense of humor here – they’re not uptight.   They’re downtight.   Nothing gets to them.   Seriously, you can’t find anyone who gets the least bit excited or anything here.   It’s all one gigantic Valium trip.

My humor may be gone, but my body and mind are relaxed.   Which is way overrated.   I need some stimulation.   If you’re not getting all riled up and upset all day long, I can’t really relate to you.

But it was a nice escape for the past four days.

Goodbye Santa Fe!   (Don’t you hate when writers do that?   Lame!)

It’s been a constant intake of green chiles.   They put chiles in everything, which, to me, is most appreciated.

I’m a little bummed because I can’t think of one funny thing to write in this post.   So, think of this article as the last season of Seinfeld – it just isn’t going to make you laugh.

First up, for some reason, my mom and I ran into Mrs. New Mexico.   She was hanging out in dress and sash at the Museum of Folk Art.   But it’s not like anyone there was to see her.   She was just standing up against the wall all by herself.   It was sort of sad.

We walked out and I said to my mom, “We really should go back in and get a picture.   I feel bad for her.”

Plus, she was hot.

Next up is our hotel, the Hotel Santa Fe and Spa.   It’s very nice, and kind of trendy in a casually elegant sort of way.   They even do cool stuff like give you hollowed out bars of soap.   (and no, I did not end up making love to it)

Oh, and speaking of the shower, you may be wondering if I brought my shower gloves.   You’re goddamned right I did.   Actually, so did my mom.   We know what’s up.

Today we spent a full day in Taos hiking with a llama named Raja.   It was really fun, and there was a part of me that seriously tried to figure out how to own a llama once I get back home.   They’re great.   Llamas are a type of camel, but they smell way better and don’t have Arab types hanging about.

And lastly, what trip wouldn’t be complete without finding questionable roadside jerky?   Not this trip.   So, when I saw a sign that said, “Antelope Jerky Here!” I had to stop.   I don’t even know what an antelope is.   Seriously.   I know I’m five seconds away from learning on Wikipedia, but I have no idea on my own.   I’m pretty sure they have antlers.   That’s all I got.

By the way, if you can’t read that, I purchased both elk and buffalo jerky.   My mom, not two minutes ago came walking over in the hotel room and said, “That jerky stinks!”   I said, “Too bad!”

Tomorrow we go on another hike here in Santa Fe and then the next day is a full spa day in the mountains.   If you think I’ll be taking photos of me in my robe, you’d be right.

My intention was always to publish something every few days, and I’m thankful that my readership keeps increasing.

In fact, just yesterday Google had my blog ranked around position twelve for the search keywords “blog funny” and “funny blog.”

Out of 560 million search results, I’m pretty happy with that.   It’s probably temporary, and will be knocked down a few dozen spots soon.   But it was fortunate as it drove a lot more visitors over.   Hopefully they come back.

It would be delusional to think that most of you read all of the stories this week.   I mean, you work for chrissakes.   Some of you even have procreated.   And others were occupied calling ABC protesting Chaz Bono on Dancing With The Stars (seriously, leave that dude alone).

Bottom line – you busy.   I get it.

So here’s what you missed, in a neat list (Right below. Like directly underneath this sentence. Go ahead and move your eyeballs down.).

(By the way, just in case you didn’t know – links to pages appear as bold, and in black on my site as opposed to the normal blue color you see on every other website.   BUT – not everything that is bold is a link.   So, have fun with that!)

• How I Would Improve Keeping Up With the Kardashians – this really should have been titled “How I Was Trying To Impress My Friend Who Works at E! in the Hopes Someone Over There Would Read It and Offer Me a Job as a Writing For Best Week Ever”
• I Need A Wake-Up Call, Literally – ever have a hard time waking up, when you have a super flexible boss, no kids, and really not a ton of responsibilities?   Yes, I know you all feel very sorry for me.
• The Right Side Of My Bed Smells Like Cat Pee – ah, Pantaloons, how I love you and also wish I wasn’t seriously considering shoving you in a gunnysack and drowning you in the river.   Please stop peeing.
• My Editor Hurt My Feelings (Not Really) – I’ve joined the staff of a new humor site about Los Angeles.   But I don’t live there!   Nor visit often!   Nor wear Affliction tees!
• Last Night I Slept Backward and Diagonal – Fun stuff to do in bed.   When alone.   And no, not that.
• I Do Something Awful During Phone Calls – A Confession – Mysteriously, I have not received even one phone call since I wrote this.   Well, my mom ringed today.   But she didn’t read the site beforehand.

I’m in Santa Fe traveling with my mother.   Will try to update once or twice when not busy staring at all the flower vaginas in the Georgia O’Keefe Museum.