About fifteen years ago I was working as a marketer for a beer company. I toured around the country working with local distributors to set up and run events. I can’t remember exactly where we were (probably Los Angeles), but there was a rumor that Paris Hilton was going to come to this party we were attending. This was very exciting to me. I came up with a bit that I thought was amusing. I’d introduce myself as D.J. Paris and then say, “We should get married because then you’d be Paris Paris!” She’d laugh and we’d snap a picture. I’d pose on bended knee sliding a Ring Pop on her finger. The whole interaction would be less than a minute, but I’d be able to tell that story the rest of my life. Unfortunately she didn’t make it to the party that evening. I remember being pretty depressed.

As I think back what strikes me is this simple fact – I have never wanted to actually meet Paris Hilton. Other than for the joke I wanted to pull, she doesn’t interest me. I’m not even attracted to her physically. I suspect we wouldn’t have anything in common, even if we did strike up a real conversation. I’m not putting her down – a friend of mine did meet her a few months after my attempt and he said she was pleasant and sweet. So, why was I so upset that a woman I wasn’t trying to date or befriend didn’t show up at the hotel that evening?

Because she is a celebrity. And I find celebrities appealing.

If it was just the name-joke thing, I could find some random woman who resides in Chicago with the first name Paris. But then the story wouldn’t be as interesting. Nobody would care that I proposed to Paris Hughes, a 24 year old consultant who lives with her two roommates in Wrigleyville. It’s maybe a one on the “great story” meter. Paris Hilton would be a ten.

This past week America chose a celebrity to lead our nation.

To me, this is worth spending time thinking about. Let’s say you worked at a company that sold brake pads and due to some mismanagement the financials were in trouble and everyone was spooked. I can’t imagine you’d be celebrating that instead of hiring a competent CEO well-versed in successful turnarounds, the board of directors chose the world’s finest tenor saxophone player to lead the company. You could make the argument that this sax player has great discipline and doesn’t crack during performances. And maybe that could translate into more brake pad sales since those principles might translate. But it’s a stretch. Also unlikely. And the board of directors would be fired immediately for suggesting this replacement.

I don’t look at Donald Trump as a politician. Well, he is now. But I always thought of him as a celebrity. And, for sure, he’s one of the best celebrities that ever was. Very few can stay in the public eye for all those years and keep the public’s fascination. Whether or not you like him as a celebrity, you have to admire his success at the job. It’s something that can’t be argued, unlike his business practices. Some call him a business genius other call him a business failure, but one thing is certain – he knows how to keep the country interested in him. And he’s paid extremely well because of it.

Watching social media this week, there’s a tremendous amount of anger and sadness coming from those who didn’t support him. And, to be clear, I didn’t vote for him, either. Of course I was offended, like so many others, with his rhetoric throughout the campaign. But that’s not the reason I didn’t vote for him. I didn’t vote for him BECAUSE HE’S A CELEBRITY AND I DON’T WANT A CELEBRITY WITHOUT POLITICAL EXPERIENCE RUNNING OUR COUNTRY.

Donald Trump isn’t the problem. Or at least, not the real problem. He’s just one of the most famous people on the planet, and he realized two things that would enable him to win.

1. We love celebrities.
2. We hate politicians.

Now, I’m not a political scientist, and I avoided all those classes in college because it seemed like too much reading. But when a celebrity can beat all the politicians running against him, that’s an impressive victory. And if you don’t think Kim Kardashian could do the same thing in twenty years and win, you’re wrong. She could. You can make the argument that she’s an even more compelling celebrity than Donald Trump. She’s had less scandal, that’s for sure. Also, her business acumen is beyond reproach. But the question is – would you want her running the country? I wouldn’t. And this isn’t a slight to her – I know people who have worked with her at E! and say she’s lovely. But I don’t want a celebrity running the country.

So, what’s the solution? Somehow we have to bring reason and logic back into these important decisions. We have to realize emotional decision making isn’t usually a great idea. Remember the last time you got drunk and texted your ex? I hope it makes you shudder. The problem is that trying to get adults to change is difficult. Most people are in love with their thoughts and beliefs and it’s almost too late for anyone over twenty-one. But kids can be taught. Children can be told to look at problems with less emotion and more objectivity. It’s the same argument I made earlier this year that only members of Mensa should be allowed to vote. It was a joke, but it’s not the worst idea.

And, I’m no better than anyone else. The few times a celebrity has tweeted at me or laughed at something I’ve written has definitely has filled me with excitement that I don’t get from you non-celebs. Hell, I even got pumped when Jackie Stallone told me she was going to read one of my stories to Sly. So, trust me, I understand the celebrity fascination. And while I don’t think most of Trump’s supporters will admit it, his ability at being an amazing celebrity is really what won him the election.

People can change, however. I no longer fantasize about proposing to Paris Hilton. She’s just a person, just like all of us regular people. I mean, I’d still marry her and all, but that’s because she’s rich. Also, she’s blonde and I think it’s a good idea for blondes to marry blondes. We understand each other. Oh, and I just realized she’s a professional DJ and my name’s D.J.. Hmm… this is all lining up nicely. I take it back – I’m totally going after Paris Hilton. LET THE COURTSHIP BEGIN!

photo credit: marco-castelli Marco Castelli_by P.Genesini via photopin (license)

photo credit: Eva Rinaldi Celebrity and Live Music Photographer Kim and Khloe Kardashian via photopin (license)

photo credit: Eva Rinaldi Celebrity and Live Music Photographer Paris Hilton via photopin (license)

Over the years I’ve been asked to do interviews. Most of the time they go live (like this one on InThePowderRoom). But other times, for reasons not disclosed to me, the interview never surfaces. Which is fine, of course. This has happened about a dozen times. I never take it personally aside from setting up a fake Twitter account to troll the publication incessantly with tweets about how the head editor sleeps with livestock and may be involved in terrorist sleeper cell recruitment.

When a website reaches out for an interview, I spend a decent amount of time putting together my answers. I have pride in my work and I care very much what people think. Plus, they might have an audience that isn’t yet familiar with me (unlikely) and is hungry to develop an unhealthy fan obsession with my written words (likely).

This most recent “lost interview” happened a month ago. A website I wasn’t familiar with reached out. I never bothered to look up the site before launching into the silliest answers I could craft. After I finished I thought it might make sense to check out their website. This particular site seems to be comprised of  interviews with famous to barely-famous people. Since I’m in the “not famous at all” category, it became obvious to me that I was never going to see my dick jokes on their home page. And I don’t blame them. I’m sure the editor-in-chief had an intern email a bunch of bloggers and then when sthe intern pushed my answers across her boss’s desk, the boss went, “No – French people are boring. Pass.”

I did have a “star” moment a few months ago at a humor conference. I was there as an attendee and hanging out at a cocktail event on the first night. A woman came over with a pad and pen and interrupted a fabulous fourth trimester abortion joke that I was telling a group of people. She wanted an autograph. I thanked her for making me look like a big shot in front of my friends, then pulled her aside and told her if she ever interrupted me again I was going to remove the blade I carry in my sock and carve my autograph into her neck (neck tat jokes are very chic these days). She told me her name was Darlene so I wrote, “Marla – it was a pleasure meeting you. Nice tits! – D.J.”

Back to this most recent interview. Since I’m confident it’s not going to be published (it’s been over a month), I figured I’d share it with you here. Dolly Parton is currently their featured interview, and let’s face it, Dolly has a whole amusement park named after her and I do not. To go from Dolly one day to D.J. the next would be an admission that the site is folding. But let’s say that all the other interviews after Dolly fall through and they do publish mine. Odds are they’d whack up the content and not show you the best stuff. So, here’s the full, unedited session.

Since I’m not going to reveal the actual interview website, let’s pretend it was conducted by WeirdMexicanWrestlingMasksMonthly – a publication dedicated to the trends, styles, and fabrics of Lucha libre. You know,
those booths at your local street festival where tight fitting Latin face-masks are sold. I haven’t any clue who buys that crap (unless you are, in fact, a professional Mexican wrestler).

Complete Transcript of Interview with D.J. Paris by WeirdMexicanWrestlingMasksMonthly.

What is your full name?

D.J. Paris. Technically, that’s not my full name but you would think I was goofing around if I typed the whole thing out. Oh, and I’m a “third” as well.

It’s a long, Spanish name and kind of ridiculous. D.J. is easier.

Where do you live?

Lincoln Park, Chicago

If you were asked to describe yourself in one word, what would that word be?

Massivedong – that’s one word, yes?

What is your personal mantra? (The phrase in your heart and head that defines how your choices and how you live)

You can always be richer and thinner. Seriously, I believe that fulfillment comes from effort. Since all that we can control in this world is our own action, that’s what ultimately defines my happiness. The more I do, the better I feel.

Briefly tell us about you and your life.

I have a marketing job which eats up my daily 9am – 5pm. Since I love my career and get to bring my dog to the office I blog at night and on weekends.

What is the name of your blog? When was it launched?

ThoughtsFromParis. It launched April of 2010.

Share with us the primary focus of your blog and what you hope to accomplish through it.

As a writer I focus in three areas – humor, vulnerability, and truth. I write about my own life incorporating those three characteristics into each piece.

What I’m trying to do is find a way to entertain myself though writing. My goal when I sit down to write is that I want to read it back the next day surprised at my own brilliance. I wish I was joking.

List any blogger awards you have won.

I’ve never applied for a blog award so I have no idea. I think I’ve been nominated and won some stuff, but don’t ask me to remember specifics. Most recently I’m going to be the keynote speaker at BlogU this June.

Are you a Brand Ambassador and if so, for which companies?

Occasionally I’ll do a campaign for a brand but only if I’m a huge fan. In most instances I’ll contact the brand directly and tell them my idea. 95% of the time they don’t write back. Jerks.

Which social media outlet do you find most helpful? (Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, Twitter, etc)

For me it’s Twitter. I have almost 150k followers. This sounds impressive until you realize that Paris Hilton (the other famous Paris) has 14 million followers. She’s also the highest paid DJ in the world. I’ll pause for a second while you recover from slamming your head into the desk repeatedly.

What is the one piece of advice you would give to anyone interested in beginning a blog?

If you care about people reading your blog, go find your audience. Make a list of blogs that have readers that might like your content. Start writing great comments on those blogs. Share posts on social media. Is it a lot of work? Yep. Does it work? Yes.

Share some names of favorite blogs you follow.

Well, I write for InThePowderRoom, and that’s about the funniest site out there right now. I don’t read a lot of other people’s blogs, but only because I’m self-obsessed. If anything I’ll pick up one of Woody Allen’s books, read a few pages, and then feel devastated that I’ll never be that funny.

Are you an entrepreneur or professional beyond your blog? Please share.

I was sitting around with my girlfriend recently and had an eureka moment. With all these subscription services I realized nobody has launched a “Period of the Month” club. Each month you’d get the hippest new tampon flooding the market (pun intended). Also, I’d throw in some bubble bath and a piece of
chocolate. It’s called “Cursebox.”

What one question have you always wanted to be asked? Write here and answer it as well.

Q. How do you have all your hair at 40 and why is it still so blonde?

A. (shrugs shoulders) DNA and shit?

Share a social cause or cause-based organization close to your heart.

Every other week I spend time with developmentally disabled men at an organization in Chicago called Misericordia. We hang out and do guy stuff. Lots of talking, watching TV and farting. It’s a great time and I’m honored that they choose my company.

When all is said and done, how do you want to be remembered?

Being remembered is unimportant to me, but what keeps me up and night is being on my deathbed and thinking, “I never went for it.” I want to die peacefully with the notion that I gave it my all. That being said, I hope many people cry at my funeral.