And even though business cards lost all practicality around 1997, it still seemed like the right thing to do.

We all know that nobody really likes it when you force a business card at someone unwarranted.   It's a douche move, plain and simple.

So, I bought them, and now I'm wondering, “What did I REALLY buy them for?”

And I meditated on this for a good five minutes.   (Note:   This involved wolfing down two slices of pizza and watching the Roast of Charlie Sheen.)

I'm going to BlogWorld, where nearly three thousand bloggers will congregate and share tips, ideas, and strategies to improve content, attract readers, and learn monetization strategies.   Some of my blog heroes will be there, people I respect and follow.

So, after a careful reflection, here's the truth – I got business cards because I want to hand them out and hope that people I respect read my stuff.   And like it.   And write me back telling me how great I am.   And offer me writing gigs.

Now, this is a sad truth, because I'm clear this will probably not happen.   First, because I'm really uncomfortable handing out business cards.   But even if I do, you know what people do with business cards.   They take them home, and wing 'em in the garbage.

So, again, you never know, but the odds of a business card   at a technology conference not winding up on someone's lunch tray and making it to their hotel room is small.

And then, typing in my web address into their browser, that's even less likely.

I have five hundred of these cards, and I'm pretty sure they're going to remain the box.   At least 475 of them.

So, if you meet me socially, make me feel good and ask for my website business card.   And when I produce one, pretend that you are so impressed.   It will make my day.

My intention was always to publish something every few days, and I’m thankful that my readership keeps increasing.

In fact, just yesterday Google had my blog ranked around position twelve for the search keywords “blog funny” and “funny blog.”

Out of 560 million search results, I’m pretty happy with that.   It’s probably temporary, and will be knocked down a few dozen spots soon.   But it was fortunate as it drove a lot more visitors over.   Hopefully they come back.

It would be delusional to think that most of you read all of the stories this week.   I mean, you work for chrissakes.   Some of you even have procreated.   And others were occupied calling ABC protesting Chaz Bono on Dancing With The Stars (seriously, leave that dude alone).

Bottom line – you busy.   I get it.

So here’s what you missed, in a neat list (Right below. Like directly underneath this sentence. Go ahead and move your eyeballs down.).

(By the way, just in case you didn’t know – links to pages appear as bold, and in black on my site as opposed to the normal blue color you see on every other website.   BUT – not everything that is bold is a link.   So, have fun with that!)

• How I Would Improve Keeping Up With the Kardashians – this really should have been titled “How I Was Trying To Impress My Friend Who Works at E! in the Hopes Someone Over There Would Read It and Offer Me a Job as a Writing For Best Week Ever”
• I Need A Wake-Up Call, Literally – ever have a hard time waking up, when you have a super flexible boss, no kids, and really not a ton of responsibilities?   Yes, I know you all feel very sorry for me.
• The Right Side Of My Bed Smells Like Cat Pee – ah, Pantaloons, how I love you and also wish I wasn’t seriously considering shoving you in a gunnysack and drowning you in the river.   Please stop peeing.
• My Editor Hurt My Feelings (Not Really) – I’ve joined the staff of a new humor site about Los Angeles.   But I don’t live there!   Nor visit often!   Nor wear Affliction tees!
• Last Night I Slept Backward and Diagonal – Fun stuff to do in bed.   When alone.   And no, not that.
• I Do Something Awful During Phone Calls – A Confession – Mysteriously, I have not received even one phone call since I wrote this.   Well, my mom ringed today.   But she didn’t read the site beforehand.

I’m in Santa Fe traveling with my mother.   Will try to update once or twice when not busy staring at all the flower vaginas in the Georgia O’Keefe Museum.