Every month I pen a short piece for InThePowderRoom, probably the greatest humor blog on the web. Or, more accurately, the greatest humor blog on the web that has asked me to contribute. And every month, the head editor Sarah reminds me a week before my deadline. The column is titled “What Does He Think?” and involves reviewing products designed for women, but from a male perspective. And since I’m not a broad, each month I freak out because I don’t know much about women’s products. Obviously I’m up on all the latest lip plumper glosses (who isn’t?), but I can’t write about that every month. I’m a professional, dammit!

It often takes time for me to zero in on the main joke of an article. The easy part is to find a woman’s product – but then I have to come up with the angle that makes it worth writing. This month it took me until the day before deadline. I had remembered that a few years back Bic had created a pen line exclusively for women. The company just took existing pens and colored them pink and purple (some had sparkles). Social and traditional media united for an assault on Bic for reducing women to traditional gender stereotypes. It’s not the biggest misstep a marketing team ever made, but they sure took a beating in the press.

During the product launch people took to Amazon in droves to write satirical reviews. Most of them are still up. I didn’t want to rehash someone else’s review, or try to best them. This left me with no original ideas for my article. But my instinct said there was a joke here, and a good one. I had no idea what it would look like, but I had to trust that it would emerge.

I know I sound like a pretentious douche, but it’s a good lesson for me in trusting intuition. And five days later the joke came to me. Not unlike Moses with the tablets of the law, I was visited by a spirit. Also, atop a high mountain, ironically. (I’m an avid rock climber.)

Just for the record I’ve never climbed even one rock. But one time I drove into Yosemite and cracked a Fresca while watching people attempt to scale El Capitan. That counts.

The concept for the Bic piece is this – what if I wrote a review where I never actually reviewed the product? Oh, and a Franz Kafka-esque tie-in would fit nicely, I felt. And nothing is more satisfying to me than finding a joke that was before hidden in the brambles of my mind.

You ought to go read it right now before you step outside your apartment complex on your way to the market and get hit by a bus. Don’t scoff. It happens!

Above image is the Copyright of Hold My Purse Productions, LLC.

Once in a while I make a good life decision. Recently, I worked out an exclusive content agreement with beloved humor site InThePowderRoom. This means I write fresh stuff for them every month.

My deadline for this month’s article is Thursday. I’m nowhere near finished. It’s a funny idea but I need to cram in a few more jokes before submitting it to the head editor, Sarah. She and I go way back and the last thing either one of us wants is for her to have to tell me the piece sucks and to rewrite.

The column is where I review a woman’s product every month. And since I don’t understand women at all, I love the concept. A few months ago I wrote about The Diva Cup and last month about a cookie that is supposed to grow a woman’s boobs by up to three cup sizes. I’m writing this announcement here because I forgot to promote the cookie piece.

You should go read it right now.

I’m not one of those assholes that asks for comments or shares because I hate when writers do that. But if you want to write the publisher and tell her how fortunate she is to have my talents exclusive to her website, well, I’m not going to stop you. I’m not going to write you into my will or anything, but maybe I’ll visit you in a dream and engage you in an intense makeout session. I’ve been studying astral travel for a few months and it’s actually really easy to penetrate someone’s dreams. I do it all the time. Also, if you cheat in a dream, it’s not really your fault and it’s not considered adultery. You don’t even have to tell your partner. I certainly won’t!

Chicks only.

Above image is the Copyright of Hold My Purse Productions, LLC.