All you have to do is email me at dj@thoughtsfromparis.com with your address and you’ll receive one – well, if you’re of the first fifty who reply. That’s all I bought. Addressing fifty cards is a real pain in the butt!

Next, I’ll be in Las Vegas from Jan 2nd through the 6th, and if you’d like to get together for a reader meetup, shoot me a message. I promise to keep my hands to myself. It’s one of those resolution things.

Finally, I’d like to do a reader giveaway once we cross over 100k Twitter followers, so if you know a sponsor (or are a sponsor yourself) and would like to participate with a contest or game,please contact me ASAP.

I wish everyone a fun and safe holiday season and new year!

If you don’t see the video below, click here to watch.

To celebrate the launch of Tracy’s newest book, Lost in Suburbia, we are giving away a copy! All you have to do is enter your email below. You’ll receive a confirmation email and once you click that link you’ll automatically be entered in the contest. I will draw the winner on April 2nd.

You can also pre-order the book by clicking on the link above!

Enter your email below for the giveaway!

To check out the podcast

• Via  iTunes
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• Via Android device – download your favorite podcast app and add the feed -> http://bloggersareweird.com/feed
• Visit the  official Bloggers are Weird website
• Watch via YouTube below

I’m going to explain the wreckage of past and present. The destruction left in her wake. I know wake is a noun referencing past events but let’s imagine she’s still speeding along in a cigarette boat. That way the expression works a little better.

Specifically, I’m talking about the hardwood. She has decimated an area of my flooring. I am so embarrassed by this that I can’t even bear to snap a photo. You’d turn on me faster than a  simile  of something turning really fast on something else. It’s so bad that I’m going to have to get a floor guy out here to see if they can replace the affected area.

This is not a random spot in the condo – it’s right next to her litter box. She, quietly over time has peed just outside the box enough for me not to pay attention. It’s in a dark part of the house and, let’s face it, I’m not exactly Mary Poppins. I mean, I can sing and all, but ask me to sweep a chimney and I’m all thumbs.

I don’t know how it got this bad, but several years have gone by now since my ex-wife moved out. She sort of attended to that. Since I just live here I never notice the awful smell  emanating  from my otherwise nice condo. It’s bad. I know this because every time my parents come to stay they comment the moment they walk in. Well, I decided today on a bike ride that enough was enough.

The floor probably won’t get fixed until January but I’m not living in stank for the next month. Oh, as a quick update. Since my cat is back on the Prozac she’s been pretty good. If that doesn’t work I will hire one of the most respected cat behaviorists in the country to customize a plan. It’s $500 but, hey, new floorboards aren’t cheap either. I’m almost hoping she starts pissing everywhere just so I can see this vet in action. What fun!

I did some massive cleaning of the area today including washing the floor and  vacuuming. I bent down to smell and it still stunk of death. I was afraid it had soaked into the floorboards. Then I remembered two things. My ex-wife and I stupidly put an old doormat under the litter box. Not a great call for a cat who misses the target. Also, even though we spared no expense on our pets, instead of buying a box with an attached back, we opted for the more stylish wicker cover.

I’m actually really good about doing a deep-cleaning of the litter pan every few months. I pull it out and scrub all the nonsense. But, for two years it never once occurred to me to pull the cover off and clean the wicker. Well, it finally did today. I pulled the thing off, took it out to the balcony and gave it a whiff. Bingo. I assumed over the years it had soaked up cat vapor.

Not so.

I turned it around to the back and found the cause of the stench. The cat had been spraying the back of the cover for God knows how long. I could see the evidence and there was lots of it. I immediately threw it away and went to PetSmart to buy her a new box that’s enclosed with a back wall. I also got a big rubber mat  just in case she starts peeing outside the box.

Well, I just sprayed a vinegar-water solution on the busted flooring and then coated the area with baking powder. Next will come the hydrogen peroxide, and lastly the  enzymatic cleaner.

Oh, by the way, whenever I sell this condo if any one of you jokers forwards this post to a prospective buyer I’m going to exact revenge  in the cruelest way I know how – by continuing to write about my cat urine troubles.

A winner has been selected for the E-Cigarette kit courtesy of the fine people at Vapor4Life.

If you’re new to the site the contest rules stated to recount a time getting busted. The winner would receive a vapor cigarette kit which allows them to light up in their bedroom without having to towel the door to keep the heavy stank of cigarettes from drifting into the kitchen where mom is making casserole.

So who gets to become the coolest smoker on the block and really sock it to those Clove-smoking lames?

Well, let’s first highlight a few of the non-winners! I personally selected these as my runner-up shenanigan favorites.

My ‘friend’ and I used to get bored sitting at home as young teenagers.  So she decided to introduce me to the joys of prank calls!  She dialed the phone and I’d read weird sentences from the playgirl magazine I had stolen.  Until one day…the police came to my school.  My MIDDLE school.  They wanted to talk to me, and they had a cassette tape with them.  My mother dragged me by the hair out to her car, and hauled me to the police station where I got to wince and whine as my mother and the police listened to my voice whispering obscenities to someone’s answering machine.  Yeah.  I left messages. Not only that, but my friend had been calling the SAME number over and over.  I did about 6 years of probation, and other than smoking cigarettes, I never did anything wrong again, because the sheer terror that I felt that day still gives me nightmares.  On the plus side, my car insurance is very affordable since I’ve never had a ticket.

Got caught fooling around with my boyfriend when I was a senior in high school. HIs mom busted up in his room and I grabbed my clothes and ran into bf’s bathroom, which was fortunately connected to his room. I turned on the sink and tried to act like I’d just used the potty and was cleaning up, but it was probably pretty obvious what had been going on. I was mortified and did NOT want to come out of the bathroom, but his mom stayed in there talking forever…so I finally (and sheepishly) made my exit, fully clothed and beet red in the face.

I got busted smoking – but it was after getting busted for sneaking into a Boy Scout Camp on Government Property! I believe the officers referred to it as “trespassing” or some crazy nonsensical thing! Pfffffft! I called it “Saturday Night!

I got busted skipping school on more than one occasion throughout high school. On one particular occasion, I was walking along the railroad tracks that ran behind my school. I was with a pack of my friends, mostly guys, headed for downtown to try and get into some trouble. I had a cigarette in one hand. I stepped out into the street at the red light on the corner, smoking my cigarette and flirting with the guys like a big shot… when it suddenly hit me that the driver I had just walked in front of was my mom. She was not pleased. I ended up back in school with  4  days of in-school-suspension and 2 weeks of being grounded. I’d like to tell you that I saw the error of my ways and reformed myself… but I’d be lying.

 I was out in the city where my parents live and decided to crash at their place for the night. They weren’t home and I didn’t have a key since they got a new door. I went to the shed and grabbed a flashlight to see if I could sneak in to the house via the methods I used as a delinquent teen. As I’m casing the joint, I hear sirens and think nothing of it. I was checking out the window in the wheel well to see if I could still squeeze through when I heard the cops behind me. After 10 min, checking out my liscense and a confirmation from a neightbour I managed to avoid “Attempted B & E” charges.

And The Winner is…

I have a great story! I was caught in h.s. with a half of the green in my bag. I had stolen it from my parents stash that morning and had a huge party planned later. I got caught by the principle and he confincated the half. He ripped me a new one and said we’ll have to have a meeting with the superindent. On monday (this happened on a fri) the superintendent comes in and rips me a new one about the quarter I was caught with. He said he’s turning it over to the police and we’ll ALL have a meeting with them on wed. to figure out what is to be done with me. So we meet with the police on wed, who rips me a new one about the dime I was caught with. I ended up being let off with a warning by the cops, and a month of alternite school from the school board, and the principle and superintendent watching me like a hawk the next two years until I graduated. Oh and what’s even better is after the last meeting with the principle,superintendent, and the police my parents and I get in the car to go home. My dad turns around like he’s all pissed and says to me “I thought you said you had a half, not a measly dime bag”. I said “ya, I DID”. He told me I still owe him a half regardless, and not to pinch his stash again. We all shared a joint on the way home. The ONLY reason I wasn’t in trouble is because I didn’t rat my parents out about them being where I got it from. I had made up some b.s. story and stuck to it though all the questioning but told my parents the truth right away. This was 12 years ago.

Congratulations, burn-out! I’ll be sending out your kit this weekend. Since I was totally lame and promised everyone’s privacy I can’t print her name, but I’ll give you a hint. She may just be a famous actress who played opposite Harry Hamlin on L.A. Law. If she was Jewish she might just say, “Oy Dey!”

Oh, and by the way, winner. You have terrible parents. Congratulations and enjoy your newly won smoking apparatus!

When I was a teenager I got busted for everything I shouldn’t have been doing. Drinking, smoking, and girls. Okay, not girls. I didn’t have girls. Sad.

Anyway, smoking was one of the best parts of my adolescence. An instant nicotine rush of pleasure and relaxation.

There were two bummers about cigarettes…

• They made me smell like death
• I couldn’t fire up in the house because they made everything smell like death

Had technology existed back then to enjoy this amazing high without filling the house with smoke, I would have spent all my Bar Mitzvah money on such a device. Okay, I wasn’t Jewish. I would have converted though just for the cash to be able to buy said device.

Technically, at that time there was such a device. It was called your lower lip and you could fill it with chew. But, I wasn’t getting laid anyway and spitting into a makeshift Dr. Pepper two-liter spittoon wouldn’t have helped.

Back to the contest! We get it! You didn’t have dates.

I can’t tell you how many times my folks found my crumpled up packs of Camel and Parliament in my car, pockets, and bedroom.

Now I want to hear your best “getting caught” story!

The winner as voted on by Vapor4Life and their army of fans will decide who wins the…

Ultimate E-Cigarette Starter Kit

You can go and read about the kit but basically you’ll get everything you need to rock out the nicotine without smelling like farts. They’re even throwing in a bunch of extra stuff for you!

But D.J., I don’t smoke!

Yeah, I don’t either.

Well, first, I’m not sure I believe you. After a few belts of Schnapps I suspect you’ll take a drag off a Pall Mall if given the opportunity.  But even if you really don’t smoke you know somebody who does. Or wants to start.

This is a PERFECT holiday gift!

The rules are simple – click the button below and submit your best “getting busted” story.

Contest will be open starting now through next Monday. If I don’t get a lot of entries I’ll extend it further.

I’ll post the best “getting caught” stories here on the blog but changing names, places, etc for your privacy. Oh, about privacy. Your information will not be shared with Vapor4Life or anyone else for any reason.

Okay, let’s hop to it! Tell me about a time when you got caught!