This is different than an intellectual revelation, which is a consciousness to a solution. I’m pretty good at that stuff about solving problems. Whether I’m trying to figure out a new business development strategy at work or delve into my own psyche, I usually come up with the “answer.” I can’t often implement it, however. This is where support groups and therapy and intimate friendships are helpful.

At the AimingLow NonCon I got into of my mini-funks. Not at the conference or with attendees, but in the hotel room with my girlfriend. I’m a big believer in blog boundaries. I’m also an obvious appreciator of alliteration. While the content of the funk isn’t relevant (or juicy) I was disappointed in something I thought she should be doing differently. Guys, if you’re like me, you like to point out when your woman could be doing something different or better. Women, if you’re like my girlfriend, you won’t stand for a man telling you what to do when you haven’t asked for his opinion.

She was angry and hurt at my “do this differently!” speech. Of course, my intentions were good, and she’s been around me long enough to know this is just sometimes how I do. So she didn’t freak out. But she let me know that I was crossing a boundary. As we were making up, I began to hold her.

And all of a sudden it occurred to me – this thing I’m trying to change in her will NEVER change.

Not because she’s stubborn. Because it’s a benign thing that means nothing and hurts nobody. Like if I bit my toenails (I had a friend that did this) and you demanded I stop. I’d say, “Hey, when I’m at home and  Matlock Season Four  is on, you know the GOOD season, I’ll sit with a Fresca in front of the tube and gnaw on these bastards until I’ve left a nice chew-pile on the carpet. Then I’ll place them in the empty can and walk around the house shaking it as a diy maraca. Eight weeks later I’ll be repeating this  Moebius.”

As far as bad habits go, you’d really have to just say, “Well, as long as he doesn’t leave toe cheese on the shag, I can deal.”

There’s an old Zen Warrior saying which goes something like, “It is your resistance to what is that causes your suffering.”

As a twelve-stepper I know this to be true for me. The third step is all about turning over “what is” to a higher power. Well, the higher power can be anything EXCEPT you.

“What is” is that my girlfriend does something that annoys me. I get annoyed. I hold onto that annoyance because she’s not changing. She’s not unhappy with the behavior and she is not going to change.

So, while I was laying there with her realizing this ain’t changin’ – I had an insight. If I just let go of trying to control “what is” this might release the anger I have toward her behavior. And just like that, poof, it was gone.

Now, if the issue we had was that she liked to shave off my eyebrows while I slept, that would not be accepted. Or if her hobby was stealing my ATM card and hitchhiking to Cabo. Or if she was cooking up ketamine in my bathtub. We’re talking about reasonable things, not insanity.

As I realized this thing wasn’t going to change in the way I wanted, the frustration all went away. I was suddenly okay with her behavior. And not only did the anger dissolve, but a huge weight was lifted. I was free. I felt empty but happy. I didn’t have to give a shit about this stupid thing that means nothing. All because it’s not going to change!

My illusion of control is the main cause of my suffering. Also, not being able to only eat one donut.

I’m going to work on this surrender thing a little more. First up – I’m choosing to surrender to the sun’s inability to turn my skin anything other than a Harvard crimson. Damn pigment genetic fail!

So I don’t feel so alone, if you’ve found power in surrender, I’d like to hear about it. Defeatists speak!

photo credit: LeeBrimelow via photopin cc

Freshman year of high school I was in speech class working on a monologue about pet peeves. We each had to pick one annoyance and present it to the class. I racked my brain trying to come up with something that bothered me but nothing surfaced. I finally found one almost twenty years later.

While I have almost never directly addressed things here that piss me off, I have one that I want to share. My intention is not to make this a rant, but to point out the idiocy of the phrase, “Everything happens for a reason.”

This phrase has recently slimed its way into our vernacular. It was proceeded years back by its  cousin, “Well, I’m not religious but I am spiritual!” Thankfully that saying has all but disappeared. Those rebels are all grown up, married, and accompany their children to Sunday school. But there are always a few empty-calorie, narcissistic phrases that float around at any given moment. Let’s examine this one.

When do we hear about everything happening for a reason? First, by well-intentioned friends who need a space filler during a painful experience you’re sharing.

—

Well, my wife discovered that I was keeping two mistresses and left me. I lost the house, the kids, and custody of the parakeet.

Dude, everything happens for a reason. You’ll see.

I hope so, bro. I loved that goddamned parakeet.

—

The other situations where this phrase comes up is when something great happens on the heels of a terrible past event.

—

Son, remember the high school homecoming game where that senior ran onto the field and pulled your pants and underwear down during your tuba solo? Everyone saw your wang and then the kids in the stands started chanting “Pube-A”?

I remember.

Well, I just got a call from the Music Director at Stanford who saw the video once it went viral on YouTube. Guess who just  got a full band scholarship?

Pube-A?

Everything happens for a reason, Pube-A!

—

To be serious for a moment many things simply do not happen for a reason. Children dying of starvation, random murders, and natural disasters to name a few. If you have a reason that goes beyond, “Hey, shit happens!” I’m all ears. Imagine your sister was just sexually assaulted. After her silkwood shower you wouldn’t have the balls to try to comfort her with, “Something good will come of this – you’ll see!” By the way, that’s another phrase that needs to be shot in the taint.

“Everything happens for a reason” implies that the universe will take care of you and bring you to something better. But to think along those lines means you have to ignore the millions that don’t get to something better. Like the 20% of the world who lives in poverty. Nothing better going to happen to those folks.

I know we all would like to think we’re special to God or the universe, but if that’s true, God isn’t such an omnibenevolent guy. And if there is a God, I don’t suspect he  interferes much in our lives. If he does he needs to reexamine his priorities and help a few of the people of Africa now and then.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t comfort a friend in need. You should. But instead of saying, “This happened for a reason,” try, “You can find the strength to move on.” Assuming the person is physically and mentally capable of doing so, this is a empowering phrase. And, in many cases, you can, in fact, find meaning in something terrible. Viktor Frankl wrote about this as a Jew in the concentration camps in  Man’s Search for Meaning.

Why do bad things happen? Because, sadly, they do.

And when something wonderful falls your way, my suggestion is to recognize whether this was due to your own effort, others’ efforts, or simply good fortune.

So, let’s ditch the phrase “Everything happens for a reason.” I know you mean well and your heart’s in the right place, but you can do better.

By the way it seems like we finally got rid of saying, “That’s retarded” to mean stupid, which is a victory in and of itself. Next, if we can work on “It is what it is” I would be forever grateful. That one sucks, too.

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As you may know I have written every day this year so far.  I laid down (lie, lied, lay, laid? – nobody knows for sure) to just rest for a few minutes at around 9pm.  Two hours later I woke up with a mild annoyance that I had forgot to do something.  So here I am.  Appreciate the dedication!  Or don’t.

Okay, so now that I’m up I’d like to yell a question at you for a second.

WHY HAVE NONE OF YOU EVER OFFERED TO TAKE ME CAMPING?

But D.J., you seem nice and all – but I’m just a reader!  I don’t have your number, and you look like you could get a little “handsy” once the sun goes down.

I’m not just yelling at you.  Nobody has ever asked me to camp.  I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m not even entirely sure what camping is all about.  Or what’s so attractive about it.

Now, I’m not above sleeping outside with the dirt.  I bike to and from work, ten miles each way and I get sweaty and gross.  If I drop a piece of food outside on the ground, I’ll pick it up and eat it.  I literally can fall asleep on the hardwood in my living room without a pillow.  Sitting and doing nothing is part of my daily routine.  I feel these are all qualities that would make me a great camper.

Nobody has ever given me a clear answer on, “So what exactly do you do when you camp?”

By the way, the only answer you hear to that questions is, “Um… Well, there’s hiking.”  First of all, the guys that scale Mt. Fuji, those are hikers.  Roaming for an hour in Timberlands around a small lake isn’t hiking.  It’s just walking.  So, let’s knock it off with the “hiking.”

Also, let’s not lump in fishing, either.  Nobody really likes to fish.  The guys that do (it’s only guys) are serious about it and don’t go hiking to fish.  They drive somewhere remote with their tackle boxes and funky hats and night crawlers.  They don’t mix hiking and fishing.

But there must be something fun about camping.  Tons of people do it.  It’s like smoking.  I don’t smoke anymore but when I did from fifteen to nineteen, I totally understood why millions smoke.  A cigarette high is absolutely amazing.  One of the best feelings ever.  So, maybe camping has something I’m missing.

I don’t have any of the gear, either.  I bought a sleeping bag earlier this year.  It’s okay, I guess.

Lastly, where do cans of beans fit in?  You have to get cans of beans, right?  Oh, and somebody probably has to have some crazy sterno cooking contraption.  I’ve seen enough movies to know if you just try to make a fire and cook over it you end up eating  cold beans out of the can.

Okay, I promise if you invite me camping, I will go.  I will try not to be ultra-critical of the whole experience, but I do expect to be “wowed” at some point.  I’m waiting for the Evite.

photo credit:  Al_HikesAZ  via  photo pin  cc

Something unusual is happening in the present.  I make a comment about said unusual thing.  The people I’m speaking to don’t recognize what’s unusual, or argue with me that it’s not true.  Since I don’t think I’m nuts I try to explain again what I’m witnessing, and they keep pushing back.  Then I raise my voice.

Once it got so bad I had to bury a dude in the desert.  He was not missed.

Let me give you an example.  This just happened five minutes ago.

I’m at the parents’ home to celebrate Father’s Day.  I walked by the thermostat and casually noted the temperature.  It was very nice and cool on our first floor which is unusual as I normally have to crank it down a few degrees.  I wasn’t allowed to touch the thermostat as a child, but, for some reason, I can do whatever I want with it now.  When I saw it at 73 degrees, I was proud of them.  That’s a reasonable temperature for it being 80 outside.

Then I walked upstairs.  I was hit with hot air.  I couldn’t not feel the difference, nor could I not be annoyed.  The shift was great, and I estimated that it was eight degrees hotter.  Now, I grew up here.  I know how the house works.  Something foul was afoot!

I called down to my mom, still on the first floor, and asked what was up with the second floor.  She said she didn’t know what I was talking about.  I never believe people when they say this, by the way.

My father was brushing his teeth on the hot second floor.  Clearly one of the two could help me here.  I asked him what was up with the temperature.  Like my mom he said he didn’t even notice it was warmer.  Now I’m getting angry because they’re clearly lying.

But the thing is – they’re not.

Luck would have it that in my parents’ bedroom there is a clock that doubles as a inside/outside temperature thing.  The inside temperature (and outside temperature) read 79.  That’s six degrees warmer.  I was off by two.

So, now, with empirical evidence to support my claim of a big temperature swing from first to second floor, you’d think my dad would do a, “Huh – that is weird.  Let me think about it and we’ll get it sorted out.”

This is my fantasy because NOBODY ever does this.  They just push back harder, even though you have facts on your side.

He just said he was going to bed and to do whatever I wanted with the temperature.  But that’s not the issue.  Two minutes later I found that most of the vents upstairs were closed.  Okay, so problem solved.  No big deal.

BUT WHY WOULD THEY NOT JUST SAY THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE?

I want recognition that I’m not a crazy person with these observations.  This I never get.  I guess it’s my issue, this needing to be validated.

I’m constantly going around noticing things that are strange and commenting on them.  It seems that the people in my life work especially hard to not notice the same things.

What’s really going on inside of me is when you disagree with me, I really just think you’re lying.  See, because deep down you hate me,, you passive  aggressively  tell me I’m wrong.  And then I try to explain even harder why what I noticed is legit.  I have no idea how to let any of this go.

Don’t I sound like a dream to be around?  No.  You’re probably right.  However, somebody just tweeted that I was “dreamy.”  I’ll take it!

photo credit: Ed Yourdon via photo pin cc