A guy a know who I’ll call Cullen used to say, “I love you enough to tell you the truth.”

After this proclamation, he would immediately follow it with a barrage of criticisms about how you’re doing things wrong. It was uncomfortable. You’d feel defensive. But after his assault concluded, you’d find yourself saying, “Dammit, the sonofabitch was right.” And he always was. A mutual friend of ours, Jen, was complaining about some shitheel she was dating. Jen is a psychologist and a strong, independent woman. However, she was dating a shitheel. He sucked. We all knew it. She suspected it, but stuck with him. One day, Cullen says to her (apropos of nothing), “What’s up with your self-esteem? You know better than to be with a loser. Get yourself together. Christ!” And Jennifer started to cry. Cullen didn’t flinch. He patiently waited for the sobbing to end. Then Jennifer said, “Yeah… I know.” Because she knew that Cullen was right. She dumped the guy a few days later.

The reality is, like the Buzzy Lindhart song preaches, “…ya gotta have friends…” And maybe the job of a friend, aside from being there when the world collapses around you, is to be there to knock you down a few pegs. For example if I wanted to meet out some buddies and I showed up with a ten-gallon cowboy hat, I hope they would say, “You look like an asshole and aren’t allowed to sit with us. Go home and change.”

Or, rather, parts of them suck. Maybe they always hit on your girlfriend. Maybe they never pick up the check at Applebees EVEN THOUGH YOU SAW THEM EAT ALL THE WINGS. Perhaps they ask to borrow money. Or they’re just not there when you need them most. Or, God forbid, they didn’t “like” the video you uploaded to Facebook about your child’s piano recital.

But, they’re your best friend(s) and you’re likely stuck with them. And they with you.

Let’s help you figure out how to fix the stupid problems you have about your closest pals. Allison Arnone and I are, if nothing else, pretty damned smart. Also handsome. And we have hips that don’t quit for days.

Below here you can enter in the issue you have with your best friend issue, and we’ll solve it. If you don’t see the form below, click here to submit.

I believed I was so ugly no woman would ever want to date me.

I remember confessing this to a college roommate one summer. He was a handsome fraternity brother who had to fend off women when we went out. He was asking why I never talked to girls and I told him, “Well, I’m just not attractive enough, so why get rejected?” Now, the worst thing you can do if someone confesses their most vulnerable insecurity is to confirm it. Since I believed I was an ugly troll as much as I believed my name was D.J., the only hope that I had was that I might be wrong. But of course, he said the worst possible response.

Look, at the bars, you just don’t go up to the most beautiful women. They probably wouldn’t be interested. Just go for someone who is okay looking. Not beautiful, though.

I thanked him for the advice and then walked slowly into the kitchen to find a sharp enough steak knife to slit my wrists. My biggest fear had been confirmed. See – I wasn’t crazy. Other people thought I was hideous, too.

A year passed and I decided that well, I just couldn’t do anything about my looks. Bad DNA. But, I knew I was funny. Funnier than just about anyone. So, every chance I got I would approach women and make them laugh. I’d stand next to them and point something out that was going on and goof on it. Comedians call it observational humor. Eventually I became so good at it, I decided it was time to try to parlay this skill into romance.

One day I met this girl and I made her laugh. She was about the prettiest woman I had ever seen. I wanted to ask her out in the worst way. But I didn’t want further confirmation that I was un-datable, which I was convinced would come if I asked her out. So, I told her, “We’re going out on Saturday. The lead singer of my band is in a play. I’ll pick you up at five.” See, she couldn’t reject me if I never asked her out. She laughed and said she was looking forward to it.

We went on a few more dates and one night she said, “You know, you’re really handsome.” I replied, “Look, that’s very sweet, but there’s no need to lie to me. I know what I look like.” She stared at me like I was nuts. “Uh, no. You’re good looking. My friends think so, too.” From that moment I no longer considered myself ugly.

My point is that sometimes change comes from the outside. I know every self-help book would like you to think, “You won’t feel pretty until YOU believe it!” and yes, that’s technically true, but it doesn’t mean that something external can’t tip the scales.

Allison Arnone and I can be that external source. Are you a man/woman struggling with a gock/gunt? Is your hairline receding? Did you join the Spanx of the Month subscription service? How about those ashy elbows? Do your teeth point in every direction but north and south?

I’d like to point out that we don’t think any of the above conditions are “bad” or need fixing. If you’re happy with your physical appearance and its many, many imperfections, congratulations. But I’d bet there’s a few things that annoy you when you look in the mirror. We can help solve those issues.

Also, remember, the form is anonymous. Feel free to share your most insecure physical issues. We won’t ask for a photo, and I don’t really want to see your superfluous third nipple anyway.

Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to brush my hair one hundred times while staring longingly in the mirror.

Click here or fill out the form below to submit your issue about your physical appearance!

I’ve never made out with anyone underneath mistletoe.

To be fair, if I’m at a friend’s home I’m not going to attack his wife because she happened to walk by the mistletoe plant on her way to the kitchen. Or sprig. Or whatever the hell mistletoe is. Nobody knows. What I do know is that it’s never helped me get over with the ladies. In the past I’ve even brought a tube of lip plumper to these parties, and taped it up next to the mistletoe so women can get their lips right for a kiss. I’m nothing if not thoughtful. But this column isn’t about me and my problems. It’s about yours. We got so many damn issues on this one topic, Allison Arnone and I are doing a part II next week. We started this advice column several months ago, and each time we do it we get more and more entries. It’s very much appreciated, and we respectfully bow to you. Now, go endure your family for the next week. It will be difficult, sure, but hey, your folks still load you up with some decent presents, and you’re thirty-seven years old. Just grin and bear it when mom starts in on your weight. Happy holidays!

I am broke as a joke. Possibly broker than a joke. How can I stay fabulous during the holiday season on a budget??? – Farishta

Allison – I feel you, girl.  The holidays are an INSANELY expensive time of year and I’ve decided that the person I should be buying lavish Christmas presents for is…well, me.  For every gift I bought a family member, I bought myself two.  I then decided I wanted to get outta Dodge for New Year’s Eve so I booked a trip to Miami with my girlfriends (spoiler alert: that wasn’t cheap).  I THEN BACKED INTO A LIGHT POLE IN A PARKING GARAGE AND HAD TO PAY $500 WORTH OF DAMAGES ON MY CAR.  This all happened this month, so, yeah.  I’m feeling very Kristen Wiig circa Bridesmaids/”Help Me I’m Poor” right now.  My suggestion?  MAKE everyone’s gifts this year.  You know, like arts and crafts stuff.  When I was in elementary school and made macaroni art my Grandmother seemed to really like it, so who’s to say she wouldn’t now?

D.J. – I’ve had a number of failed relationships over the years, but I’ve always been successful at gift giving. You could call me the Ted Williams of gift giving, except he hit .400 and I’m batting 1.000. So lace up your cleats and get ready to take the field. I’m your batting coach. Allison is right. The trick is to make something instead of shelling out the black AMEX for the tennis bracelet that never goes on sale at Tiffany. I’ve bought a million broads jewelry, but nothing is more exciting to them than saying, “I made this for you.” Even if it’s a huge piece of garbage. Head to JoAnn and buy some yarn. Watch a cross-stitch video on YouTube. 300 hours later you’ll have this objet d’art. Total cost – $.17.

My family and significant other don’t like each other, so we all aren’t getting together.  I feel guilty,  what do I do? – Chiaseeds

Allison – I first read this question as “My significant other and I don’t like each other” which is way worse, so at least you have that going for you?   Without knowing the circumstances it’s bit difficult to give my opinion or a thoughtful response, but I’ll try.  If your family and S.O. don’t get along and it’s to the degree that a fight is going to break out while you’re enjoying your pork loin or whatever, then don’t risk it.  The holidays are many things to many people, but they should NEVER be filled with tumultuous fighting, tension or aggression.  JESUS WOULD BE SO PISSED IF Y’ALL FOUGHT ON THIS BIRTHDAY.  On the other hand, if you guys can all suck it up and pretend to like each other for one day, maybe that’d be nice?  The holidays are all about togetherness and bonding, even if you’re all faking it.

D.J. – On my first day ever of therapy, I asked my shrink how to fix my problems. She said, “That’s not what therapy is for.” When I asked why I was spending $140 an hour, she revealed, “My job is to help teach you how to cope with tough feelings.” Because I’m like Jessie Owens when it comes to tough feelings – I run. I’ve dated some women with awful families too, but you know what? You show up for the holidays, anyway. And you cope with the craziness of your partner’s family. It’s a wonderful opportunity to stretch the muscles of acceptance. You just remember to set some boundaries along the way – e.g. “Honey, if your father throws another empty whiskey bottle through the sliding patio door, we’re leaving.”

My husband can’t seem to make a damned decision (23 years now!) On whether he wants a repeat of Thanksgiving Dinner for Christmas Dinner or if he wants ham. WTH?!? It’s meat! Pick one! So, this year I’m going to let YOU decide what we will have! Turkey or ham? And don’t forget the side dishes! Or the breads! Or the desserts! Thanks for taking this decision out of his hands (and brain) this year and planning our dinner for us.  – Chris

Allison – OH GOD THIS IS A LOT OF PRESSURE.  Of course I have to make this difficult and say: neither.  Doing Thanksgiving dinner AGAIN on Christmas — a mere ONE month later — is a bummer and a half.  Two back to back holidays with the same damn tryptophan-filled gobbling turkey meat is lame.  Know what else is lame?  HAM.  I mean, ham is FINE — it’s fine!  It’s just that I think you guys can do better.  I’m Italian so gluttonous binge-eating is super important, so I’ll share with you what Mama A is making this year: stuffed shells, filet mignon and a HUGE antipasto.   Now that’s a dinner.   Step ya game up, Chris.  

D.J. – This is such a great opportunity to blow everyone’s mind. This year you do halibut. Nothing but halibut. If someone says, “But I don’t eat fish!” point them to the shrimp tray sitting in the living room. If they have an allergy to shellfish, you hand them a plain bagel and some lox. Then, during dinner start reading from health journals about the importance of fatty acids in diet. Pause every few sentences until someone acknowledges your cooking as being consistent with recent heart studies. For side dishes, more halibut. We all know that grains are the devil, so you’ll serve no bread. For dessert, freeze some halibut into the plastic ice cube trays and call them “Fish Pops.” And here’s the best news of all – you and your husband will never again be asked to host a holiday meal!

I’m in a group secret santa and I got paired with someone that recently pissed me off.  Do I get a bad gift, not spend the minimum amount, or suck it up and be in the spirit? – Anonymous

Allison – Now, now — let’s not be petty here.  Just because this person wronged you doesn’t mean you have to get them a bad gift.  How about getting them a nice book?  Everyone likes books, right?  Here, I’ll even find one for you.  Ooh, perfect!

D.J. – The best revenge is a dish served cold – like gazpacho soup. But don’t actually buy gazpacho soup because it’s a terrible present. Here’s what to do. You’re going to spend the appropriate amount and get your person a decent gift. But then you’re going to fart all over it. Eat nothing but pinto beans and cooked cabbage for 48 hours. Each time you feel the need to destroy the air, grab the not-yet-wrapped gift and explode all over it. Wipe the front of your privates all over it too (if you have stinky privates). Then wrap it up with the nice paper and ribbons. For extra cruelty, a few days after the gift exchange casually ask the co-worker, “How’s my present? It’s the shit, no?” Then laugh and high-five yourself!

My biggest problem with the specific holidays of Christmas and New Years is everyone’s feigned interest in “wrapping things up for the year” at work which is just office speak for passing the buck and pretending that you are doing your job.  Truth is, if you did your job then the end of the year wouldn’t be a time a crunch to get everything done.  Bums. – Matt

Allison – Did you have a specific question, or…?  Listen, Matt, you sound like a real blast to be around (you’re probably a real bitchin time at parties, amirite?) but the truth is, most people are procrastinators.  Most people are cruising along on autopilot for 11 months out of the year and then realize on December 1st: OH SHIT, I HAVE TO HIT MY SALES NUMBER!  I have to make sure I met and exceeded all those goals my boss laid out for me in January!  Is it too late to start actually CARING about this job?!?!

Look, people tend to cram 12 months of work into 4 short weeks and that’s just the way it is.  We can’t all be overachievers like you.

D.J. – Hi Matt, it sounds like you’re in middle management. To which I say, you must continue to strive and edge out the competition until you rise the ranks to a board position within the company. Ever meet a board member? They only come into the office three times a year. They stay for an hour in a closed-door meeting and then eat an expensive meal on the company dime. Before dusk they jump into their private jet back to their home state of Colorado (board members love to ski). They’re never stressed, always smiling, and have their clothes custom made. And you know what they don’t complain about? Underlings. So there it is – you see your carrot. Run for it, Matt. Run fast.

I’ve been dating someone for almost a year now and we talked about spending Christmas together.  Great, except this means having to determine where to spend it since our families don’t live close.  I hate to miss Christmas with my family, and he feels the same way.  What do we do?  – Conflicted

Allison – I’ve been single for three years and one of the few perks of Singlehood is not worrying about ANYTHING like this anymore.  My parents know I’m a surefire guarantee to be at their house for every holiday, probably forever.  That said, I GET this question.  I love spending holidays with my fam and have this obnoxious view that no guy I meet could EVER have a family that tops mine, especially in the holiday department.  I ALSO have a codependent mother who is horrified at the thought of me not being at the kiddie table around on holidays.  For that reason, she always tells me to find and date a Jewish guy or an orphan.  AN “ORPHAN.”  Those were her exact words.  Now, since it sounds like ditching your dude for a nice Hanukkah-celebrating-gefilte-fish-eating gentleman isn’t an option, you gotta turn to the C-word I hate.  No, not that one.  The other one.

Compromise. (ick)

Maybe you’re with his family this year and then yours the next.  Maybe you play rock-paper-scissor to decide.  Either way it sucks being away from your people, so seriously…maybe consider dropping your guy and finding one that’s family-less?

Orphans make great boyfriends, according to my mother.

D.J. – To make this really simple, you choose the family with the better house. Having a lot of square footage is important because that means you can escape to another wing after you’ve had enough of in-law nonsense. Aside from determining who has the bigger home, it’s critical to check out bedsheet quality. Knowing the thread count and fabric will help you make an informed decision. The cable package of each family should also be researched. Lastly, does one family have an extra Italian sports car that you can take out and do parking-lot-donuts to blow off steam? Oh, and if one family puts a lock on the liquor cabinet, do NOT choose that house.

photo credit: Ocean Networks Canada Pacific Halibut via photopin (license)

I just blocked someone on social media.

This person owed me money. Quite a bit of money. Since I assume nobody is out to screw me over, I gave them a wide berth in paying it back. After months of hearing nothing, I reached out just to get an update. Their response when I politely asked on the status of the repayment was, “I agreed to that in a moment of vulnerability. I shouldn’t have. You’ll get it when I have it – no idea when that will be.” I stared at the computer screen in shock. This was a financial arrangement we had both decided was fair. The funny part was that I had never asked this person for repayment in the first place. They came to me knowing they owed me money and worked out a structure. Then, didn’t honor it. Before I could respond with a, “This has to be a joke, right?” she wrote, “Oh, and have fun on all those vacations you’re going on – you obviously don’t need the money.”

So, now I was in a predicament. It was obvious to me that this person didn’t want to pay me back, and was illogically angry with me. Also, they must be reading my social media posts and noticing that I do, on occasion, go on a trip. Then using that information as a weapon. I tried one last attempt and suggested they could work out an alternative payment structure and that I was open to suggestions. They told me to screw right off. People are great, right?

I wish I was exaggerating, but I’m not. And if this was only over $300 I would have just let it go. But this was a much larger sum. I felt uncomfortable that this person was analyzing my social posts and using it against me in the future to justify not honoring our deal. I cared about the money that was owed, but was it worth it? I had never blocked anyone on social media. But if I blocked her, would she see this as an act of aggression? I was worried that if she couldn’t see my posts, she’d know I blocked her and use that as a reason not to pay.

After thinking about it, I realized this person wasn’t likely to pay me back, anyway. Even though I had known her for years and had never seen her screw someone over like this, I had to accept reality on reality’s terms. I was going to get ripped off. I made my peace with it and called the person and told them I was forgiving the debt. They texted me back with, “Wow. Thanks!” Then, I blocked them on all forms of social media. I no longer cared if they saw the block as aggressive. I would never have to speak to this person again for the rest of my life. And, in a surprising turn, I felt good about myself. I had exercised kindness. I had also protected myself against their craziness.

If I had listened to my friends, I would have made this decision much sooner. Everyone could see that this person was not the nice person I believed her to be. They had all told me to eat the loss and block all communication. They were right.

So, that’s where you come in.

Are you struggling with a social media problem? Are some people you knew in high school friends posting bizarre extreme religious stuff on Facebook? What should you do when your creepy boss tried to friend you? Curious what to do with those nudes you sent on Snapchat? Worried that the “runway model” you met on Instagram might be a dude living in his mother’s basement? Allison Arnone and I can help you navigate such waters.

We’re both pretty sharp knives, so our advice is sound. You won’t follow it, but you’ll enjoy reading our words. It will bring you a joy not unlike what yogis experience as they achieve nirvana.

Click here to tell us about your social media problem. We’ll fix that stuff. Fix it up good!

photo credit: Giuseppe Milo (www.pixael.com) Practicing Yoga… via photopin (license)

How to listen to Bloggers are Weird:

• iTunes or iPhone
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Or just watch it on YouTube if you’re confused on how to fire up a podcast. It’s okay to admit that you’re moderately dopey.

Well, even though Allison Arnone is annoyed by me 80% of the time, she temporarily put aside her distaste to pound out another joint advice column. “It’s important for her to stay mentally active,” the doctors whispered to me as she was roaming around the grounds chasing invisible butterflies. Allison’s a lovely girl and we wish her the best. Oh, and here’s our first installment, in case you missed it.

This time we answered your dating queries. Let’s dive in.

I’m recently divorced after almost 25 years of marriage. I have a boyfriend who is the kindest, gentlest person I’ve ever known, and we are truly soulmates. Am I destined to fuck this up? I’m destined to fuck this up, aren’t I? Thx in advance. – Claire Baudelaire

D.J. – In a recent dumping to which I was on the business end, my girlfriend called me the kindest man she had ever met. Then she told me to get the fuck out. The reality is that kindness and compassion account for like 70% of a relationship. If you’re self-aware enough to worry that you’ll torpedo a relationship with a kind soulmate, then my advice is to stop listening to your brain. It’s not serving you. It’s okay – some people have screwy heads. And stop with all this soulmate nonsense. It’s 2016. Goblins and soulmates aren’t real things.

Allison – Ugh, I hate ever agreeing with D.J. but he’s right about the soulmate thing: that’s a silly Hallmark term that terrifies people into thinking they’ve got ONE single human counterpart out there and welp, better find ‘em or else! Anyway, the truth is you got divorced — which is shitty — but then you met a nice guy, which is not shitty. It’s the opposite of shitty, actually. So stop this self-sabotage nonsense! “Fucking things up” is not destiny or ‘in the cards” for you; it’s an actual choice that you’re in control of and you make. SO DON’T DO IT. I mean, unless you want to?

When should you start seriously considering the “If neither of us is married by….” pacts you made with friends in your early twenties? – Matt

D.J. – My recently deceased friend Bill had a great line about that. He said, “Never settle because what you end up with is less that what you settled for.” What a mind-bender, no? That being said there’s nothing more romantic that calling up that girl you used to pal around with sophomore year and say, “Hey, remember when I said that if I couldn’t find someone truly awesome I’d keep your number handy? Well, the day is upon us, fair maiden. Feast your eyes upon this CZ diamond! What say you?”

Allison – Those kinds of scenarios are adorable in rom-coms and in TV fantasy-land (”oh em gee!  he was under my nose the ENTIRE time!”) but let’s face it, in real life it’d be disastrous. You should never marry someone solely because you’ve reached a certain age and feel as though you should “give up,” settle and end up with some schlub friend of yours just for the sake of getting it over with. No, instead you should take advice from fictional character Mindy Lahiri from ‘The Mindy Project’ who has the right idea when talking to her guy pal about this very subject. She said, “If we’re still single in five years, and we haven’t found anybody, can we make a pact… that we’ll kill each other?”  

Now THIS — this is a better idea.

Issue I seem to keep running into. In the digital age, I seem to meet girls on dating apps, they’re cute, they’re fun, we exchange numbers. Everyone is busy so it can be weeks before we meet in person. Sooner or later over those weeks the conversation can take a PG-13 turn and we really start to be into each other on that level as well. Then finally comes the time to meet face to face and I’m discovering they don’t look half as good as their photos and their personality is way better when filtered through text and I’m just not interested anymore. In the reverse they assume we’re both 100% in and I’ve now painted myself into an extremely awkward corner.

How awkward? The last girl threw a 3 year old style hissy fit when she found out she wasn’t coming back to my place with me…..THAT awkward.

Advice? – Steve

D.J. – Steve, I can’t agree with you more. I tell every woman who’s single – put only mediocre pics of you on dating apps. Men are visual and we don’t like being disappointed in your real life appearance. I have a suggestion for you, though. I call it the, “What if it’s half-true?” process. When you see a 10 who’s chatting with you realize that she is probably a 5. Because let’s face it, Steve, you’re no 10, either. Imagine her half as hot. Still work for you? If so, book that date, Casanova! And if she ends up being a 7 in real life, holy crap! You were only expecting a 5. You’re a lucky man, Steve!  

Allison – Couldn’t have just brought her back to your place and kept all the lights off? And closed your eyes? And envisioned Mila Kunis? No? Fine. I get it; online dating — and let’s face it, photo filters — have made it VERY easy for people to ‘false advertise’ on the apps and present a photo of a 2016 Bentley when in reality they’re selling a 1989 Lincoln Town Car.  

I say we all work together on a new app called “Unfiltered Dating” — you can’t upload pics to your profile and instead, you have to use the actual camera on the phone. You know, that shitty quality, highlight-all-flaws, bad-lighting camera. That’ll teach these girls to stop using the Snapchat “pretty filter” on you!  (Or that GODFORSAKEN DOG). Whaddya say? Shall we bring it to Shark Tank?

Hi Allison and D.J.,

After a good friend broke up with his ex, our friendship took a detour into a Romanceville. Now he is back with the ex and I can’t help but feel a little hurt and confused.

What do you make of this – just a hookup / fling or could there true feelings rooted in our friendship (and good looks)? How do you advise I move forward as now our conversations make me extremely irritated? – Friendzoned

D.J. – Friendzoned, if you were a man I would kick you square in the nuts and when you didn’t react I would say, “See – you have no balls!” But you’re a woman so that doesn’t work. So, let me say it another way. Dude got dumped. Felt lonely. You were around. He banged you. Chick he really loves took him back. Now, go inside and notice how you feel. You should be irritated. Livid, actually. You got used. In fact, go kick him in the balls (or hire someone to do this on Craigslist). Then, go find a guy that would never in a million years want to nail any other broad but you. That’s what you deserve.

Allison – Ah, the old “line crossing” between two pals. Is it ever *not* messy?  In my experience it’s usually a big ole’ disaster and your question only solidified why. When two people have a platonic friendship, they don’t second-guess ANYTHING: they talk whenever they want about whatever they want and however they want. Then, if those two people happen to see each other nekked, everything takes a weird, awkward and uncomfortable turn. You constantly read between the lines. You’re now offended easily. You try to revert back to your playful and easygoing friendship style and can’t. And if that person DARE talk to you about dating someone else, well…

You gotta move on, methinks. Not from just the nekked time, but from the actual friendship.  

Besides, it sounds like he already did.

If I’m dating someone, like 3 dates in, and we aren’t official or anything but we’ve had sex,should I bring up whether or not I’m dating other people? – D

D.J. – It depends. If it’s the guy’s biological twin that you’re also courting, I’d let that get discovered naturally. Twins are weirdos and have a natural competition thing. They’ll be hanging out together and both start talking about this hot chick they’re seeing. “Mine has brown eyes, too!” “I can’t believe yours is also named Debbie!” “Yeah she’s allergic to shellfish!” “Let’s see a pic!” When they both look at the portrait of you, they’ll have no choice but to death-battle for your honor. Whoever survives wins your hand. And you never had to have that awkward conversation!

Allison – You are absolutely dating.  Don’t let them tell you differently.  Change your Facebook status to “In a Relationship With [Insert Name Here]”, post a photo you took of them sleeping on Instagram with the caption “mine” and message every member of the opposite sex on their social media accounts and tell them to BACK OFF.   No conversation needed. 

Guys on Bumble seem to be on some kind of ego trip. They’ll match with you, but then lack the common decency to engage in actual conversation. What gives? – Christine

D.J. – Thank Shiva guys are generally awful at dating apps. It makes it easier for me to have success. Most people are just awful human beings and you shouldn’t date them anyway. So, if someone doesn’t have the decency to have a good conversation with you, move on immediately to the next dude. Eventually you’ll find someone like me who’s chatty and witty and pretty goddamned hot and is going to pick up his new Bentley today from the dealership. Oh, and I have a little dog, too. Women like dogs. Make sure to tell me about your food allergies because I’m making you dinner. Four courses. You can make breakfast.

Allison – I noticed this a lot on Bumble, too.  Because women have to message first, it’s become this passive game for men to see how many hot chicks write them even if they have no intention of ever responding.  That’s why I always opened with something like, “Hey Brian!  You have 3 hours to respond to this message otherwise I’ll slaughter your whole family.  Also, cute dog!  Love Boston Terriers!”  Sometimes men need a little push, ya know?

I was dumped recently.

Should you feel sorry for me? Sure, why not? I like attention. But here’s the good news. According to my single lady friends, the quality of men who are forty years old and single are a real horror show. So are most of the women, but I’m not worried. Crazy people find crazy people. And, thankfully, according to my therapist I’m not crazy. I pay her good money to re-confirm this opinion every week.

One thing I know for sure about dating – if you keep finding losers, or you keep getting dumped, it’s probably more your fault than theirs. But as long as you keep tweaking yourself and improving on your dysfunctions there’s a good chance you’ll start attracting higher quality partners. And that’s happened every time for me. With each relationship ending I end up with a better woman the next time around. Because I’m a better quality person today than I was a few years ago. Sure, I still get into a fistfight with a random nun every now and then (THOSEHABITSINFURIATEME), but nobody’s perfect. Plus, beating up a lady of God has nothing to do with opening a door for a date and I totally do all that chivalrous crap.

Allison Arnone and I talk to each other about our dating experiences all the time. I run a ton of ideas up the flagpole with her and take her advice seriously. Recently I was going to propose to a woman on date four (the old engagement ring I had custom made for the previous broad), and Allison suggested that I not proceed with this plan. Her exact words were, “Go drink arsenic instead, moron.” Okay, that story isn’t true, but this is a humor blog and I have to write a joke now and then. Allison does think I’m a moron, but I’m not going to propose to a prostitute on date four. I probably shouldn’t even be dating prostitutes. I mean, technically they’re escorts, but still.

That wasn’t true either. I date normal, boring women because I’m a normal, boring guy. Plus, regular non-escort women are expensive enough.

Who better to give dating advice than two people who are dating, like Allison and I? I’m going with nobody. And now we’re going to help you with your dating woes. Do you have hammer toe and refuse to take off your socks on the first date during a petting session? WE CAN HELP. Or maybe your girlfriend brought over a box of heavy flow pads and stuffed it under your bathroom sink without asking permission (ahem, Allison…). WE CAN HELP. If you’re a guy and taking bathroom shirt-off selfies to post to your Bumble profile and wondering why even total hags aren’t responding to your online advances, WE CAN HELP.

Click here to post your dating question – we’ll fix it for you.

Oh, and by the way, we don’t charge anything for our advice. I know – I’m surprised, too!

Once again, click here to post your dating issue, moron! (Insults help motivate people according to my mother)

photo credit: couple in nature via photopin (license)

I always wanted a writing partner. One with boobs, preferably.

Well, let me back that up. Actually I have never wanted a writing partner.  I’m far too controlling and I believe my creative ideas are superior to others. Or, if someone was more talented than me and I knew it, the unconscious jealousy would cause me to undermine our efforts until the whole thing imploded. Plus, I just do not play well with others when it comes to comedy. Now, that being said, I’ve always still wanted to be around people as funny as me. Or funnier. Years ago I started writing for Aiming Low, when that was still a thing. I was hired on their JV squad with two other humorists. One is a syndicated columnist in 400 newspapers. The other received an “A” from Entertainment Weekly on her recent book. Both are insanely funny. When it was announced I’d be on the team, I became very scared. This is a good thing. It caused me to up my game and compete at their level. Someone thought I had enough potential with literally zero writing credits to my name. That meant something to me. And I wasn’t going to let them down.

These days I write for InThePowderRoom. I pestered the head editor and owner for years before they gave me a shot. In fact, I have a deadline this Thursday and I’m nervous as shit about it. But when I push send in a few days with the final draft, I know it’s going to be fucking awesome. Because that is our agreement. To send in something fucking awesome every month. And here’s the oddest part – it turns out that everything I’ve sent them has been great. It doesn’t take a logician to figure out why. Accountability and Community.

When I have a deadline, I’ll make it happen. When I’m around people funnier than me, I get funnier. Simple.

Okay, now let me take you back to a month ago when my last piece was published on InThePowderRoom. I received a very nice tweet from someone I didn’t know complementing the work. I’m a sucker for compliments, but I’m even more of a sucker for a pretty face. And this woman has one. So, because I’m a guy who likes pretty girls who compliment him, I tapped on her Twitter profile. Turned out she’s a writer, too. With a few impressive credits. I clicked on one. It was good. I read another. Also good. Actually, better than good. Really good.

I wrote her back and we started chatting. This was perfect timing as I was starting the hunt for someone I could write a monthly column with. I pitched her on an advice column. She readily accepted. Her name’s Allison Arnone and I’m excited to announce our first feature. Now, here’s where you come in.

We’re going to pick a topic each month, and you’re going to write in with your issues around it. For example, this month we’re tackling “work”. Maybe you’re curious if you should tell your boss off (you shouldn’t), or if it’s okay to sleep with your secretary (it’s not), or if Cindy in purchasing has it out for you (she doesn’t). Maybe you’re contemplating quitting the rat race and heading to your guru’s ashram in the Himalayas (bad idea). Or maybe it’s a family business and your sister is stealing from the till (catch her on camera and email the evidence from an anonymous gmail account). Whatever your problem is around the workplace, Allison and I are going to solve it.

Allison and I disagree on just about everything. I think she’s crazy, she thinks the same about me. This wouldn’t make for a good marriage, but it will make for a good advice column. Oh, and we have the exact same lamp. We figured this out by accident when I was bragging about a new lamp I had purchased. Some might call this a sign. I wouldn’t because I’m not a moron. It’s a coincidence. A cool coincidence.

So, here is the form where you can anonymously send in your issues regarding the workplace. Oh, and what makes Allison and I qualified to give you help about your workplace (or lack thereof)? Nothing. I mean, we both have jobs, so that’s something. But I’m confident we’ll give you the correct advice. Well, at least I will. Allison can be moody because she’s a girl and girls are moody. It has to do with moon cycles and tides and stuff. So, take her opinions less seriously. This is why she dislikes me by the way.

Once again, click here to submit your work issue. And don’t worry, we’ll be changing it up each month. I’m pushing hard for “body hair” for next month because, well, body hair is funny. But this month is work. So, send those issues in. Help is on the way.