The Legend of Poodle Businessman

Last year for Halloween I dressed as a middle finger.

And even though that amazing costume got big laughs, much like a woman invited to three weddings in the same year, I was determined not to wear the same outfit twice. I guess I could sell it on eBay but then I’d have to lie in the description – “absolutely no face sweat staining the inside of the suit.” I thought about donating the fingers to the Salvation Army, but bums have it hard enough, and you’re probably not going to toss a quarter in the hat of a vagrant wearing an FU costume.

Since last year’s costume was a solid eight, I needed to meditate on what could take it to a nine for 2015. I’m not such an egoist to assume I can get to ten. But I had to think and think I did.

After ten minutes of straining my neurons I gave up and chose the dumbest idea on the list.

Introducing Poodle Businessman.

Poodle Businessman is all about crushing deals and power lunches. He takes redeye flights and opens Excel spreadsheets when the plane reaches cruising altitude. His competition fears his skills, and his sales pitches get signatures. He’s a closer. Before you wake up he’s finished three reps of one-armed pushups. He dons gravity boots for ab crunches and drinks protein smoothies. The shirts he wears are custom made and he likes his suits to fit tight.

After work Poodle Businessman relaxes at home decorated in modern, minimalist furniture. He read in Maxim that hipsters get the hottest chicks so his stylist hooked him up with a wardrobe from Urban Outfitters. Chihuahuas are trendy so he bought four. He makes the housekeeper clean up their poop.

Poodle Businessman loves Tinder and especially swiping left. Most women aren’t up to his standards and he wonders why more broads aren’t getting lipo these days. His friends say he’s unrealistic in dating, but he thinks settling is for losers. When Poodle Businessman scores get a date he’s sure to pretend that he’s uninterested – the woman should pursue him, he believes. After a first dinner he goes home and compiles a t-chart with the woman’s strengths and weaknesses. If they’re date-two-worthy he texts them with a simple, “Congrats.”

His competitors both fear him and also court him to come work at their firm. He uses a stand-up desk in his office with a treadmill underneath. He brings extra cell batteries and a backup bluetooth for late night conference calls to the team in Hong Kong. He blasts through sales quotas by the second day of the month. Poodle Businessman has his own parking space and a key to the executive bathroom. His boss knows he’s gunning for his position, and Poodle Businessman isn’t afraid to tread in the mire. His 2016 Corvette with monogrammed headrests is being delivered this Thursday.

He’s Poodle Businessman, goddamn it.