Sometimes I get bored.
Sometimes I get bored and I need validation.
About a year ago I found out that Larry the Cable Guy and Fran Drescher follow me on Twitter. Impressed? Don’t be. I’m sure it was an error on their respective ends. Larry follows over 1k people and Fran follows 22k. I have never been tweeted or direct messaged by them or received any indication that they like my fart jokes. In fact they probably don’t even do their own tweeting – maybe one of their publicists likes my stuff. Or it’s just random whatever.
Either way – I’m bragging about it.
I want to show you how you can determine if anyone famous is following you. It’s a distraction from doing something worthwhile that, let’s face it, you weren’t going to do anyway. It’s time to get superficial and have some fun.
So, without further ado…
Which Verified Accounts Follow You On Twitter?
If you don’t know what a verified account is, it’s when Twitter decides someone’s a big enough deal that they guarantee that the person with a blue check next to their handle is the real McCoy. Blogger extraordinaire Jenny Lawson was recently donned the honor.
According to Twitter, there are around 54k verified accounts. Certainly one or more of those bozos follow you, right? Let’s find out!
1. You’re going to need to visit Friend or Follow – click the link and sign up for an account. It’s free, yo.
2. When the system first loads, it will show you who you’re following – but we don’t care that you’re into each Kardashian or that you’re a true Belieber. Whoever you follow is your business. Click “Fans” in the upper left navigation bar and let’s get to it.
3. Now – the bummer. You’re going to have to wait. Twitter only allows you to ping its API in this fashion once every fifteen minutes. So, if you get the message to wait, grab a Fresca and work a Sudoku. You’ve got time.
I still have fantasies that Coca Cola will make me their “Official Fresca Blog Ambassador” and hook me up with free Fresca swag. This is unlikely, but a man needs to dream, dammit!
4. While you’re waiting, you’ll see this graphic…
5. Click the “Protected” button so it looks like this.
6. Now, don’t touch anything until fifteen minutes has passed. Grab another Fresca.
7. Once fifteen minutes is up click the “Normal” button now, so that it looks like this. And get ready for the magic.
8. Wait for the screen to load and you’ll see which verified accounts follow you, but that you do not follow back. Here’s my group.
Take a moment to bask in whatever glory you’ve assigned to this victory.
Okay, moving on.
9. Now, we’re going to see what verified accounts follow you and you follow back. The mutual Twitter love relationship! Click on “Friends” in the upper left navigation bar. You’ll probably get a “must wait X minutes” thing again. While you’re waiting, click “Protected” so that it looks like Step 5.
10. After you’ve waited the appropriate number of minutes, click “Normal” just like you did in Step 7. Then hang tight while it loads. Depending on how many followers you have this could take a minute. Here’s what mine returned.
Now, let’s make sense of these results. Feeling good about yourself? Of course you are! Well, don’t get too excited. Many of these accounts will auto-follow back once you follow them. For example I doubt very much that the fine people at Arby’s loved the story of my dad’s wang so much they just had to follow me.
But who am I to rain on this self-congratulatory parade? Maybe Puffs and McDonald’s appreciate my humor! Does comedian Caroline Rhea look through my tweets as inspiration for her next Showtime special? I’d like to think so. So I will choose to.
Now it’s time to start bragging. Start with your family, in particular those that claim that blogging and tweeting are a waste of time. Let them know that Margaret Cho follows you on Twitter. Because she does! (or in least in my case)
It’s not important that none of these people have ever messaged you. Minor details! Pshaw!
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you determine just how cool you are on Twitter. Yes, it’s a complete waste of time, but bathe in its warming glow for a few moments before remembering you’re twenty minutes late to pick up the kids from school.
And make sure to tell your little ones that Chex Mix follows mommy. They’ll think you’re a pretty hip cat. And what’s more important than looking like a big shot to your children? In my book – nothing.
Enjoy!
Krystal says:
Yeah, my followers are so few that this isn’t even necessary but glad its there for when I make it big and have more than 40 followers. And you are so cool…Larry the Cable Guy?!? That is just awesome!!
D.J. Paris says:
Well – he’s kind of a terrible comic, so I can’t get that excited…
Tara says:
I am extremely impressed, I only have 21 followers, clearly you are extremely awesome. Maybe someday I’ll be just like you.
D.J. Paris says:
You could only dream of this, Tara. DREAM ON!
Julie Jordan Scott says:
I learned two things from this post: You are a blogger who makes me laugh (nice to meet you) and…. I doubt I have any famous followers at all…
Question: Fresca? We don’t have Fresca here in California anymore, haven’t in who knows how long!
Happy Ultimate Blog Challenge!
D.J. Paris says:
If you can’t find Fresca, then you ORDER Fresca. Jeez!
Anita @ Losing Austin says:
I have tripled my twitter followers in the past 2 weeks or so- however, that’s still only about 225! So I can easily check this out on my own for now- but once you share all your secrets of how you got so many, I’ll be back here to prove how cool I am by who follows me 🙂
D.J. Paris says:
Well, you just have to become cooler and then they all come a’flockin’. BE MORE COOL.
Anita@ Losing Austin says:
Well…. I’m cool enough to reply before 6 months passes 😉 and it must be true that I’ve gotten cooler because I’m up around 2500 followers now… Still not as cool as you, but hey- who is?
(p.s. I’m kidding about the 6 months thing- kudos for eventually replying to them all!)
Ally says:
…waiting for DJ to get verified… THEN I can say I have a verified follower.
D.J. Paris says:
Petition Twitter! I’m worth it, dammit!
Maureen | Orgasmic Chef says:
I have a few verified followers. The prime minister of Australia doesn’t begin to compare with Larry the Cable Guy. Can I get an Amen for that?
D.J. Paris says:
Amen!
Lindsey @ Cents & Sensibility says:
I too love Fresca and Blogess, although not necessarily in that order. I’m still waiting for Obama and the Dhali Lhama to follow me back. 😉
D.J. Paris says:
Yes, Obama will certainly be reading your tweets. I have this on good authority!
Lyndsey says:
Wow, why do I feel smaller everyday. Well as Larry the Cable guys says, git-r-done and it’s done!
D.J. Paris says:
You’re right to feel smaller. Sad, but true. Ha!
Kate Hall says:
This was funny. Your jokes made me laugh. I have two verified followers and two fake verified followers where they put the blue check in their background so it looks like they’re verified. Haha! Talk about a time-waster. Although its not much different than me wasting time researching how tall Billy Idol is, yesterday. He’s 5’9″.
D.J. Paris says:
Now that you’ve been using my Twitter method I’ll bet you have a lot more!
Kate Hall says:
Yep. 17.
Linda Roy says:
I wish Fran would message you. Wonder if she phonetically spells that strange laugh of hers. I’m followed by the Bloggess too! And I’m going to see your butthole-ness and raise you one. How many famous people have tweeted you? I got so many tweets from one of HGTV’s Property Brothers that my husband accused me of flirting. And HGTV’s Nicole Curtis (aka The Rehab Addict) tweeted me to thank me for writing about her at Aiming Low! I was pretty chuffed about that. And you’re way funnier than Larry the Cable Guy.
Linda Roy says:
OH! And Fresca. It always reminds me of that old Joan Rivers joke. “A little Fresca on a panty shield really picks ya right up!” A timeless classic.
D.J. Paris says:
She’s the best. Greatest female comic ever.
Richelle says:
Thank you, Paris…you are funny! I enjoyed this post…keep up the GOOD work, and have FUNNNNN!!! xoxo, R!
D.J. Paris says:
Thanks, Richelle! Keep reading!
A Pleasant House says:
Great Post. So funny- and informative (I’m now using Friend or Follow- I hope you get a kick-back). I recently was followed by The Bloggess, as well, but I shamed her into it. Who cares! Self validation!
D.J. Paris says:
I actually just built a site to do this for you – check out http://famousfollowers.me – it should be working now!
Danuta says:
Thank you for writing a quirky and somewhat useful article! I’ll have to remember it as I just am starting on twitter. Never lose your humor.
D.J. Paris says:
Thanks, Danuta. I’ll try!
OldDogNewTits says:
Cool find. You made me wonder so I checked on my account. (Which was a bit of an asspain.) I’m not sure I did it right because I never had just the verified accounts on the screens so I had to scroll. (The aforementioned “asspain.”)
The ones I found before tiring of the scrolling process ….
Wheel Of Fortune
Greg Kihn
Megan Calhoun
The Bloggess
Carolyn Hennesy
Clearly, I am very important.
I also somehow have a few like Tawny Kitaen who are not verified. But SHOULD be.
Oh, and I drank Diet Coke during the downtime process. Is that okay?
D.J. Paris says:
I just built a site to do this for you now! It’s still in beta but check out http://famousfollowers.me
Brian OC says:
And a good check to see if someone actually reads you is their ratio of followed to followers. Eg if someone has a million followers but follows 1M people, chances are they aren’t reading your tweets too closely. If they have 1M followers but follow 100 then there’s a chance they actually like your stuff — even if they haven’t interacted directly
D.J. Paris says:
Absolutely – the only one I can truly brag about is Lisa Nova. The rest follow anyone and everyone.
Brenda Sargeant says:
The Hoff follows me. DAVID HASSELHOFF.
I know…impressive.