How Not To Blow a Radio Interview

I was asked back to be a guest on the UK radio show American Dream Team.

During my last visit I didn’t realize they had FCC-like rules for broadcasting. Subsequently they had to cut a bunch of minutes off my interview. I always associate Britain with progressive laws and language. When I spoke to host Jodie Orton pre-show I asked her if gays could marry in the UK. She said, “Um, I think so.” She really didn’t know but made it sound like, “Why wouldn’t they be able get married?” Which, over here is still a crazy debate.

I was disappointed about their prohibition on certain language, however. I prepared about five minutes of solid material on the word “fanny.” I had listed with British expressions that needed to die and others that are awesome. I didn’t realize wanker, sod off, and getting pissed were not allowed during prime time. Apparently they have a rule where no bad words are to be broadcast before 9 pm. Then, to my understanding, they let the c-word fly.

I pitched a few other ideas. I wanted to talk about a premise of a sketch I’m trying to write for a Second City troupe in Hollywood. However, it’s just way too offensive. So that was out. I was scrambling and found a story about how the Waffle House CEO was just busted for sexual  harassment   I came up with some decent jokes about how it’s ironic that the food served in prison is better than in his restaurants. She told me to stay away from sex-crime stuff.

The interview went fine even though I had nothing prepared. At one point she referenced a story about a US postman who stepped over a dead body and kept delivering the mail without doing anything about the body. I got super excited because at that moment I remembered that I, too, had discovered a dead body once. Actually, I’ve found two dead bodies! I was really thrilled to have something to talk about, but as I was describing what happened it occurred to me that dead-body stories are not something to get fired up about. I stopped mid-story and said, “Very sad. Tragic.” That brought the show to a screeching halt.

In the end, it was a fun time. I talked about how The Monkees sucked, how I don’t want people without IDs voting in presidential elections, and my story from yesterday about Swiss socks.

Okay, I have a cold so I’m going to work on the contest I referenced a few days ago and then pass out. I hope you all smell like the grapefruit Kiehl’s hand soap my sister bought me.