That Leg Pretzel Thing New Agers Do Scares and Consumes Me

You know what makes me secretly jealous? Ugh, I just realized I started a post with one of those stupid questions. Starting fresh.

I am secretly (although now it’s public) jealous of those dudes that can put their feet up on their thighs in that weirdo pretzel thing. A few weeks ago I was in a group that I attend of the support variety and one of the guys just busts that out while on his chair. It looked so easy and confortable.  Symmetrical.

Reminded me once when I was in fourth grade. I was sleeping over at my friend Chris Shaffer’s house and the next morning while we were watching cartoons he put his legs into that position. Chris was always flexible and athletic. After locking in he then got on his knees and walked around from knee to knee. It was marvelous and disgusting at the same time. I had never seen the leg thing nor the walking on the knee thing.

I asked him to help me get into position. He pushed my feet up but they just wouldn’t budge. Finally, with all his might he got them up and in.

I started screaming.

The pain was sharp and filled nearly every part of my legs from the crotch down. Even though I was screaming I wasn’t a pussy so I attempted to walk on my knees. The must have stretched the muscles even further and I bellowed louder. Chris’ mom came running down the tri-leveled stairs and demanded he return my feet to their proper position. She was a nurse. She knew about stuff.

She explained that some people (me) weren’t flexible enough to do those sort of moves. I was dejected. Clearly my body didn’t have the bendy perfection of his. Mine couldn’t do something cool.

Now, I’m 6’2″ with long legs. I’m slender and relatively fit. Even though I exercise almost every day I have yet to even come close to touching my toes. As stupid as this sounds I know all my problems will melt away the day I marry fingernail to toenail.

I struggle with the idea of goals. Every personal goal I’ve set for myself has resulted in a short high followed by a, “Eh, what’s on after Mama’s Family?” There’s a strange letdown after a major victory that envelops me. It’s just not fulfilling after the event. Example – I’ve written every day this year. On Dec 31st I’ll be able to say I made it without a miss. But, I know it’s not going to be a big deal.

It’s the journey, not the end, right?

I’m really trying to adjust my thinking to being present for all the hard work that results in goal achievement. Realizing that I won’t get a high from flossing, but can I appreciate that I took care of myself instead of giving the finger to the floss from my bed which looks directly into my master bath? I actually did this last night. Gave the finger to the Glide.

Yes, it will be great not to have gum disease as a senior, but I think being present for the flossing now might allow me to realize I’m taking care of myself. And, while not the biggest victory, it should feel at least a little bit good.

Stretching every night may or may not unite hand to foot, but I can at least acknowledge the pride of doing something healthy for my muscles.

Can I actually get present enough to have fun with this post instead of just crossing it off the to-do list? Hmm… no. Not tonight. Pizza is in the oven.

Wow – this didn’t have one funny sentence. Tomorrow I will bring something awesome like the time I was at the grocery and a hot girl started talking to me in the checkout line. I had just placed a jumbo box of Good n’ Plenty on the moving belt and was so ashamed I put my hand in front of the box when talking to her. As the candy moved closer to the cashier I walked backwards to keep it hidden.