I just checked and ThoughtsFromParis now has 174,800 words published. To celebrate the achievement I decided to try something different. A blog post written in the nude.
Now while this sounds like shtick masquerading as filler since I don’t have any ideas of what to write tonight, I will tell you that is correct. Plus, I just got out of the bath and was nude already. The only thing I’m wearing is the laptop on my thighs and a wet dog around my shins. She had her bath at the same time. With me. Totally sexed out, ladies?
Okay – this just hit me. Where do I feel the most insecure and naked? I don’t mean emotionally or figuratively. I mean, where do I actually feel naked physically?
It’s not when I’m actually naked. I don’t shut my blinds and I live alone so walking around from the shower to the kitchen is no big deal. I’m not an animal – I make sure my neighbors aren’t hanging out on the porch first.
I’m pretty comfortable with my body. Except when I dance.
Not kidding at all when I say I feel the most naked dancing at weddings. It’s terrifying for me. And it makes no sense since I have fantastic rhythm, I play in a band, and I understand how to count to four. When I took a dance class in college (with my sister), she said I was one of the best dancers there.
And, oh yeah, ten years ago I worked for a beer company and took a truck that opened up into a fully functioning nightclub all over the country. I danced my fanny off for nine months.
Thinking about it, why am I worried now about dancing? Well, first, I have no moves. So, it’s a loss of control thing. I don’t know what to do. I’m not joking when I say I have no moves. I literally don’t know what to do with my feet.
Before I got married, my now ex-wife and I did eight lessons at Evelyn Wood and perfected a several minute routine for our wedding. Not to be one of those douchey couples trying to impress everyone – we just needed to know what to do with our feet.
I see my friends at weddings jumping all around the dance floor having fun and they don’t know fat dick about dancing. But they haven’t a care so it works. I have absolutely no fun dancing. It’s scary and I can’t wait for it to stop. Even the slow dances with my girlfriend are uncomfortable. I feel like I can’t even do that right.
I’m aware that nobody at a wedding is watching me. I also know I have rhythm and can at least fake it. I just want to be able to let go and have a good time like everyone else. But I’m not sure how.
This is about me needing to control how I’m perceived. I place myself in situations where I can manipulate the variables to the outcomes I desire. Since I have no dance moves, I have no control and I don’t think I’m “looking good.” Therefore, I’m exposed and vulnerable. And that is scary, and scary is bad.
I honestly believe that my well-being can be measured in my ability to dance at weddings in front of my friends. My goal in life is to learn to let go of that control and trust in my vulnerability. While I can’t do it on the dance floor, I often do it here.
Every time I’ve shared a hard truth on the blog, I’ve been rewarded with kindness. I’m glad that you are here to soothe me when I reveal something difficult.
Bottom line – I need to get out to more weddings. Here’s what I want from you:
Invite me to a shitload of weddings. I don’t care if it’s a second cousin or that creepy chick with the adult braces from accounting. Hook me up with a date and time. I own a cumber bun so I’m all set.
I’ll probably start out with that electric slide garbage, since it’s easy, move up to a Viennese waltz, and then, over time showcase some serious popping and locking.
Note to self – buy book on popping and locking.
NorellLestinaShute says:
OMG – you just need to get out of my brain & stop posting all my secrets. It’s getting to be too much – except I don’t have chest hair (thank goodness since I’m female) and I’d never walk around naked, because not even I want to see that!!! Why don’t you take dance lessons? Kill 2 birds with one stone, you’d feel better about yourself and I imagine you’d have some hilarious posts too. In the meantime, I hope you are able to get out of my brain because it’s a mess up there!!
D.J. Paris says:
NorellLestinaShute I’ve seen a few boob hairs in my day. Probably a total of four hairs. On two different women (not my current gf or ex-wife). Sort of took me out of the experience.
K_B says:
Personally, I’m a maniac – maniac – on the floor. I love to dance. I’m probably pretty bad at it but never asked anyone. And weddings are the only times I get to because I can’t go out dancing in the clubs because the youngsters keep checking me our to make sure I’m wearing my Life Alert necklace.
D.J. Paris says:
K_B Yeah, but on your Life Alert bracelet all it says is, “please tell my family I died praying” when we all know you’re going to go shooting speed in between your toes.
SjHeckscher says:
My mother sent me to dance classes as a child. In the vain hope that it would make me graceful. Sadly, I just fall over with more aplomb. Dancing holds no terrors for me, I cannot vouch for passersby, fellow dancers and small children.
D.J. Paris says:
SjHeckscher I guess if you know you suck at something you don’t care about, no big deal. Like I’m horrible at cleaning the toilet. Doesn’t exactly stress me out.
SjHeckscher says:
tfpHumorBlog But, is the answer to be really, really comically bad at dancing, so at least you are amusing… or refuse to dance at all. I’ve always preferred the comic option.
KatsTheory says:
Ok, I get it. You are naked, you can’t dance and you need a big hug. Considering fact #1, I will skip over fact #3. Dancing is something you do to music…at least most of the time. You feel music, you don’t think it. Stop thinking and feel. End of story. I did find the comment about the beer truck opening into a club fascinating. Do you have any posts on that little adventure?
D.J. Paris says:
KatsTheory Hmm… I used to. But they weer pretty raw, talking about how much alcohol I consumed and what chicks I tried to bed that evening. But, funny, too. I’ll try to dig one up.
TRfromRL says:
This is why a lot of people get plastered before they dance….too self-conscious and inhibited.The alternative to getting shit-faced is pretending no one is watching you. Close your eyes and people will think you’re drunk anyway. I say give people something to talk about and laugh at yourself first. Beat them to the punch. If people make fun of you, who cares, because you could easily point at them and make fun of their ugly mugs.
D.J. Paris says:
TRfromRL Oh, I’m totally on board with this intellectually. I get it. But there’s an emotional block for some reason. I’ll get over it eventually. It won’t be the end of me!
Natalie the Singingfool says:
Wait, you stole my cat? And you OWN a cumber bun? (I didn’t even know how that was spelled.) I clearly woke up too early this morning.
D.J. Paris says:
Natalie the Singingfool No, I don’t own a cumber bun. I’m not a psycho. And, yes, I did steal you cat. Deal.
bluenotebacker says:
Men should never, ever dance naked. If you can’t understand the inherent danger that poses, then well, I’m sorry. I’m also sorry for planting that mental image in anyone’s mind this morning.
D.J. Paris says:
bluenotebacker Are guys dancing naked? I feel like nobody does this. You are lying, madame!
LittleAnimation says:
The fact that you dressed (<<< haw haw) an inherently tender issue like vulnerability in such banalities is pretty fuqing awesome. I hope to see you being very awkward indeed dancing at the NonCon partay. Aim for that sensation you get when you’re sitting on a public toilet in a stall and you discover there’s no door. People can actually see you pooping. It’s “cummerbund”…no?
D.J. Paris says:
LittleAnimation I am absolutely terrified of dancing at the noncon. Put me on stage with your husband and I’ll play all night. It’ll be a test of my courage to show off my moves.
D.J. Paris says:
@littleanimation Thank you, JC! And, I didn’t realize my nip made it into the shot until just now. Gross!
LittleAnimation says:
@tfpHumorBlog *gag*
LittleAnimation says:
@tfpHumorBlog Hey! Aren’t you supposed to be in your family room watching a movie?
D.J. Paris says:
@littleanimation I am! I’m so heroic!
BrandonPDuncan says:
Good stuff, man. I dig your blog! Found it via @LittleAnimation. (On FB.)
D.J. Paris says:
BrandonPDuncan Thanks, Brandon – JC is awesome (for a woman)!
WMD says:
Totally relate mate. That’s why I started this project (http://whitemandancing.com) . Many of your operatives are using this as an opportunity to overcome the same feeling of self-consciousness that you describe. Perhaps you’d like to open a branch in your fair city?
D.J. Paris says:
WMD I LOVE ALL OF THIS. Today, sir, you win the internets. (Applauding)
Sosanxo_ says:
@rosebraian Follow me & @Ellenbogaertx3 !!! We follow back xx
CurtisCoutureFB says:
I thought “That creepy chick with adult braces from accounting” was very entertaining haha, just chuckled to myself
D.J. Paris says:
CurtisCoutureFB Just try not to bang her. She’s clingy.