Okay, yo, I finally got my lead vest/apron. How? A sweet woman named Ady donated to me an old one they were throwing out at their animal hospital.
Turns out this vest was not for pets, but for humans. I will say, that it did not come in the greatest shape. A lot of strange stains, and it looks like some patchwork was required. Not good signs.
But, hey, I’m not proud. These things are sort of expensive. So what if five veterinarians used this thing over the years covered in cat blood and dog stinkers? I’m not above sleeping with this in my bed. It doesn’t necessarily match the Pottery Barn sheets, but it provides more comfort.
Now, I know you’re probably thinking, “Okay, great. You got your vest. This must be the end of the tale.” And you would be wrong as shit.
Because I also got some lead gloves. And what I can only guess is something to protect my dong.
When I picked up this booty, Ady was not in the office. So the receptionist passed me over the bag and seemed to have no emotional response at all. It was if I walked in to pick up a letter of mine that was accidentally sent to them. I mean, this bag of lead stuff weighed a good 20lbs and she didn’t even bat an eye passing it over to a stranger. I would have had a few questions.
I’ve taken two naps in the past 24 hours to test the vest, each lasting about an hour. I’ve worn the vest and gloves, and here’s what happened.
Positives
- Gloves feel awesome holding down my hands – unexpected pleasure.
- Vest provides amazing comfort, as expected. When cat sits atop the vest, it’s even more awesome.
- Easy to fall asleep.
Negatives
- I woke up and felt a tingling in my molars. This is not normal, except when I get exposed directly to metal. Not sure what this means.
- Horrific nightmares. Perhaps just a coincidence, but both times were pretty rough, dream-wise.
- Long term affects of exposure to lead in vest may not be healthy. Haven’t explored this yet, but probably a good idea to check with Google.
Will I continue to use the vest? You’re goddamn right I will. And if you want to come over with a new-fangled fancy x-ray machine, you can snap away on me all day long. I’m not worried.
Katjaneway says:
I missed the boat as to why you needed these. Please do explain or re-post an old blog link. Thanks! 🙂
D.J. Paris says:
@Katjaneway http://delfinparis.com/newsite/thoughts/i-may-be-getting-my-weighted-vest-after-all/ (there are links in there to previous posts to explain all!) Thanks for reading!
mariah says:
i think the dong protector is actually used to protect your neck. no?and remind me not to borrow your neck protector…ever
D.J. Paris says:
I choose to believe that it’s a cod piece.
Gwennie says:
That weighted junk protector is crackin’ my ass up. I for one pray to all things holy that you will model this ensemble for all your readers at some point… you know, to give us the FULL IDEA of what you’re up against, so to speak.
That awkward vest/heavy jock/gloves pick-up had me rollin’… you totally need to CC their asses at that office if you ever do a “here’s me wearin’ my heavy garb naked” post or whatever it is you do with it. Praying you’re fully clothed underneath… but to each his own. LOL
Post your dream topics… I’m gonna analyze the shit out of it.
G.
BitingLife says:
That thing looks nasty
… But I’m extremely jealous.
Do you have to sleep on your back with it? Or do you sleep on your stomach and put it on backwards? Apparently I move around A LOT when I sleep, so I’d probably just end up throwing it off. Or kicking it… because apparently I do that too.
owlblazek says:
You are fine with lead if not eating or breathing it. My 9 year old would love this get-up. She likes to get under couch cushion an make me sit on her legs when she is stressed.
D.J. Paris says:
@owlblazek Thanks – I needed to hear from a professional lead expert. Your contribution does not go unnoticed!