Last year, the Chinese dubbed 2011 The Year of the Rabbit.  Boooooooooring.

In response, I named 2011 The Year of the Shower Glove.  Thousands read this manifest on better experiences while showering.  I received not one but TWO cease and desist letters from the National Washcloth Council.

Okay, full disclosure.  I did not receive any such letters.  In fact, I doubt they even read my blog.

So what did the Chinese decide for 2012?  They totally upped their game.  Right this moment we are in The Year of the Dragon.

Even I have to admit that’s pretty boss.

But like last year, I thought long and hard about what wisdom I had to offer.  What singular topic, if introduced, would have the most positive impact on your life in 2012?

I prayed and asked God for guidance.  He replied, “Hey, leave me alone.  I have AIDS and Africa to deal with.  I’m busy!”  Okay, solid point.

So I had to look elsewhere.  No problem, God’s not the only game in town.  I consulted the Tao Te Ching, the coolest parts of the Bible, an old farmer’s Almanac, and even a sketchy Tarot reading place that doubled as a massage parlor.

Still, no real answer.  I was lost.  Sad, alone, forsaken.

I contemplated a fistful of pills and ending it all.  That’s the kind of dedication I have to you readers.

As I lay in the fetal position crying, it hit me…

Hey, normally when I thrash about in agony, the goddamn sheet come up from the mattress.  But they’re not this time!

Of course – it’s so simple!  And I had forgotten!

Let’s Make 2012 The Year Of The Bed Suspenders

First, let’s talk about sleeping.  If you’re like me (and why wouldn’t you be just like me?), nothing is grosser than waking up to a mouthful of mattress pad.  There’s something unholy about a fitted sheet coming up over the corner in the middle of the night.  You notice it at 2am, during your half-awake urination.

But, you’re too damned tired and lazy to fix it.  So you sort of try to sleep around that edge, doing your best not to make direct contact.  Because let’s face it, that mattress pad hasn’t been washed since the last Winter Games.  It’s accumulated a good three years of sweat and farts that have seeped through the sheets.

And I’m not even going to address those of you terrible enough to not even use a mattress pad.  You disgust me and should be shamed.  If you haven’t developed a healthy fear of touching a mattress by now, it’s time to start.  Put a barrier between you and the mattress – buy yourself a mattress pad.

One time I woke up and found that I had pulled both the fitted sheet and the mattress pad up and my left cheek was actually resting on the mattress.  I can’t grow a beard on that side of my face now, and every time it rains, that cheek gets tights and achey.

Bottom line – get a mattress pad.

Next, let’s make it so that you never have to worry about even touching the mattress pad, which is super gross in and of itself.

I am a rough sleeper.  I constantly thrash about.  It wasn’t uncommon for me to smack my ex-wife in the face with my flailing arms.  What she told her co-workers about the constant bruising, I have no idea.

Each night I put my sheets through a war zone of  aggression.  I need a real solution, because waking up on mattress pad is not acceptable.

Well, thankfully there is a solution.  Behold the goodliness that are bed suspenders.

You know how only douches wear suspenders in real life?  Well, I’m here to say that only douches do NOT use bed suspenders!

Now, you may be exposed to this idea for the first time right now.  I totally understand.  I’ll allow you twenty days to appropriate your own set.  After that, you’re a stinky douche.

There are a few kinds of suspenders, and I’ve tried them all.  The best is pictured above.  Long, criss-cross ones.  Don’t fall for the kind that just pinch the corner together.  Those suck eggs.  You’ll pull those babies up after a simple night terror.  Get the long ones.

Next time you’re in a passionate lovemaking session you know what’s not going to happen?  A corner coming up during climax!  Because, let’s face it – that kills the mood.  Plus, it introduces a  hygiene  issue that I’m not going into here.

Get yourself a pair of bed suspenders and your life will be forever changed.  I could not be more serious.  Make this year free and clear of ever touching mattress.  But what about when you flip the mattress ever six months?  Don’t lie to me – nobody actually does that.

This is my gift to you in 2012.  Well, a gift in which you’d have to go purchase a set yourself and install them.

You may thank me with virtual kisses.  Or real back rubs.  I’ll provide the incense.