Allison and D.J. Need Your Stupid Questions About Parents

Are your parents the reason you’re so screwy? You’d better believe it.

The author Robert Bly wrote something close to (I’m too lazy to look up the quote), “The question isn’t – Will we wound our children? The question is – How deep will the wound be?” In other words, the fact that you sleep until noon and fire bongloads all day watching COPS reruns might be related to the fact that your dad was a police officer who worked overtime and spent more time with perps than he did you. Or not. It could just be that you have a nasty pot addiction. And let’s face it, COPS is compelling television. They should change the name of the show to FLORIDA, but I’m getting off topic.

My co-conspirator Allison Arnone has a birthday this weekend. Her folks live ten minutes from her place in New York. I assumed she would be spending the birthday with them at Ruth’s Chris because dad will pick up the tab for the buttered filet. I asked what her parents and her were doing and she wrote back, “Why do you assume I’d spend my birthday with my parents? I have friends too, you know!” And then I remembered that Allison’s dad looks just Alan Arkin and she has some resentment because she didn’t feel he deserved that Best Supporting Actor Oscar for Little Miss Sunshine. I remember Allison yelling “WHY SHOULD A GUY PLAYING DEAD GET AN OSCAR?!!” during the ceremony as we watched from my penthouse at Trump Tower.

Okay, none of that is true. Well, Allison’s father does look like Alan Arkin. But she seems to get on well with him. And her whole family, actually. I’m lucky in that respect, too. My parents and sister and I still go on family vacations and only speak ill of one another when that person has left the room.

But some of us aren’t so lucky. Some parents are boundary violators. Some parents are shamers. Some criticize the fact that you decided to grow facial hair at thirty-nine years of age even though it’s none of their goddamned business, okay?!

But how do you confront mom about her critical nature when she’s watching your newborn three days a week? How do deal with dad’s new twenty-four year old girlfriend who he’s written into the will? And what’s up with mom still voting for Trump this November?

Allison and I know what’s up. We have answers! Real good ones, honest mister!

But you need to ask for help. It’s the first step toward recovery. Actually, the first step to real recovery is hitting some sort of bottom so low that you’re forced to surrender your will and turn it over to a higher power. Let Allison and I be your higher power.

If your dad isn’t interested in the grandkids (but really, who could blame him?) and it’s pissing you off, let us solve your issue. If mom still calls you “hippy” and she ain’t referring to the 60s, let us solve your issue. If it doesn’t occur to you to lob even a text message over on Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, let us solve your issue.

Click here to submit your parent problem. We’ll solve that shit!