Want a 2012 ThoughtsFromParis Holiday Card?

by D.J. Paris on December 8, 2012

It’s that time of the year – the holidays.

The end of the year where you get excited about spending time with family. Then, through old conditioning and dysfunction your self-esteem becomes neutralized. Finally, you can’t wait to get the hell out of there. Mom can still make you crazy, and, let’s face it, you’re not exactly running around helping your folks clean up. They want you gone, too.

Over the years I have put a lot of thought into my holiday cards. I’m a little behind now but, just as I did last year, I want to send you one of my cards.

I can’t rely on my friends to send cards. Even the married ones neglect me. I have to consider this as evidence that I may, in fact, be an asshole. There’s no other explanation. It’s okay. I have my cat and my dog to comfort me through the pain.

In the past year this blog has grown so I won’t be able to send a card to everyone. It’s just too damned much work. Also, it’s like a few bucks a card and I don’t like you that much.

Should you wish to receive one of my holiday cards, here’s what you must do…

  1. Like my Facebook page
  2. Follow me on Twitter
  3. Send me an email to dj@thoughtsfromparis.com with your address.
  4. Promise to send me a card!

That’s it. Like your grandmother in the roaring twenties, I’m easy. Last year I made you do a whole bunch of stuff. Let’s face it – we’re older and none of us have that kind of time. Plus, The Walking Dead is on and we need to neglect our children. Well, I don’t have children but I’m happy to neglect yours.

The truth is, when I’m driving over to your house for the potluck party, I scan your Facebook account for any photos where you mention their name. “Oh, right – they had twins! The one with the birthmark on his cheek is Jerry. Birthmark Jerry. Jerry Birthmark. Bertha was a song by Jerry Garcia. That’s it! I got it.”

Here was the 2011 ThoughtsFromParis Holiday Card. Probably my best work ever.

Can’t wait to get your card. If you’re pretty it will go on my wall of Pretty Fans. If you’re unattractive it will still go on my wall of Pretty Fans because I only see the beauty of the soul.

funny family holiday card

These children need to be taken into protective custody, stat. STAT!

 

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10 comments… read them below or add one

divalounger December 8, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Cute, especially the picture!!

Reply

AndreaJohnsonBeck December 8, 2012 at 6:39 pm

Love the picture!

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kaseykakes December 8, 2012 at 8:19 pm

What you should do is post your address and ask everyone to send you a card. Then you will get lots of holiday card love. Because that wouldn’t bring out the crazies at all :) 
Also, after reading all of the posts you’ve linked in this series (you’ve written a lot about cards by the way) I want to add that I do cut people off for not reciprocating the card love multiple years in a row. But if you actually send out cards – you’re on my list for life.
Email to follow.

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charla December 8, 2012 at 11:29 pm

1.) Done
2.) Done
3.) About to
4.) I ordered a few extra, so sure, I’ll send one. I’m not on it, but my pets are, and they’re pretty stinkin’ cute.

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elpe12 December 9, 2012 at 12:14 am

Facebook: Liked.
Twatter: Followed.
Email: Sent.
Promise to Sell Soul, I mean reciprocate: Given.

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shelleye December 9, 2012 at 3:29 am

Facedbook: Yo
Twitter: don’t have an account :(
Email: sent anyway with a little gushing and much hopefulness.
Does it help that I’m from New Zealand? Do I somehow have rarity value that makes me card-worthy? I will send you a card from New Zealand! It will have pictures of sheep and the Hobbit on it. Or anyway, sheep. Or a kiwi (the bird, not the fruit, we call them kiwifruit (the fruit, not the bird). And I’ll send you one every year for the rest of your life if you like. But not in a weird way.
Oh crap, just realised in my excitement to be emailing you that I didn’t send you my address! LOL. Please do not write me off your list for stupidity :)

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shelleye December 9, 2012 at 3:39 am

Address now sent :)

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RealHousewifeSL December 9, 2012 at 11:04 am

I should be good to go, already liked your FB – already following you on Twitter! I would love to get a card from you – and I’d return one too! Hey ima super fan! I also bet I could get away with sending you any funny card I wanted – I don’t think I’d worry you might be offended by my humor:)

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Banana Stickers December 9, 2012 at 12:39 pm

I like you on facebook not only with my blog page but also with my personal account. That’s a lot of likes right there. I also follow you on twitter. So that just leaves my address and the promise of sending a card which I’m totally fine with so long as you don’t mind getting it in Febuary because I suck.

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Barbergirl28 December 9, 2012 at 5:09 pm

I did sarcastic Christmas cards this year… It took us an hour to do but it was a whole lot of fun. I think one was staged as decorating daddy! ha ha – obviously I have too much time on my hands!

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