I just checked and ThoughtsFromParis now has 174,800 words published. To celebrate the achievement I decided to try something different. A blog post written in the nude.
Now while this sounds like shtick masquerading as filler since I don’t have any ideas of what to write tonight, I will tell you that is correct. Plus, I just got out of the bath and was nude already. The only thing I’m wearing is the laptop on my thighs and a wet dog around my shins. She had her bath at the same time. With me. Totally sexed out, ladies?
Okay – this just hit me. Where do I feel the most insecure and naked? I don’t mean emotionally or figuratively. I mean, where do I actually feel naked physically?
It’s not when I’m actually naked. I don’t shut my blinds and I live alone so walking around from the shower to the kitchen is no big deal. I’m not an animal – I make sure my neighbors aren’t hanging out on the porch first.
I’m pretty comfortable with my body. Except when I dance.
Not kidding at all when I say I feel the most naked dancing at weddings. It’s terrifying for me. And it makes no sense since I have fantastic rhythm, I play in a band, and I understand how to count to four. When I took a dance class in college (with my sister), she said I was one of the best dancers there.
And, oh yeah, ten years ago I worked for a beer company and took a truck that opened up into a fully functioning nightclub all over the country. I danced my fanny off for nine months.
Thinking about it, why am I worried now about dancing? Well, first, I have no moves. So, it’s a loss of control thing. I don’t know what to do. I’m not joking when I say I have no moves. I literally don’t know what to do with my feet.
Before I got married, my now ex-wife and I did eight lessons at Evelyn Wood and perfected a several minute routine for our wedding. Not to be one of those douchey couples trying to impress everyone – we just needed to know what to do with our feet.
I see my friends at weddings jumping all around the dance floor having fun and they don’t know fat dick about dancing. But they haven’t a care so it works. I have absolutely no fun dancing. It’s scary and I can’t wait for it to stop. Even the slow dances with my girlfriend are uncomfortable. I feel like I can’t even do that right.
I’m aware that nobody at a wedding is watching me. I also know I have rhythm and can at least fake it. I just want to be able to let go and have a good time like everyone else. But I’m not sure how.
This is about me needing to control how I’m perceived. I place myself in situations where I can manipulate the variables to the outcomes I desire. Since I have no dance moves, I have no control and I don’t think I’m “looking good.” Therefore, I’m exposed and vulnerable. And that is scary, and scary is bad.
I honestly believe that my well-being can be measured in my ability to dance at weddings in front of my friends. My goal in life is to learn to let go of that control and trust in my vulnerability. While I can’t do it on the dance floor, I often do it here.
Every time I’ve shared a hard truth on the blog, I’ve been rewarded with kindness. I’m glad that you are here to soothe me when I reveal something difficult.
Bottom line – I need to get out to more weddings. Here’s what I want from you:
Invite me to a shitload of weddings. I don’t care if it’s a second cousin or that creepy chick with the adult braces from accounting. Hook me up with a date and time. I own a cumber bun so I’m all set.
I’ll probably start out with that electric slide garbage, since it’s easy, move up to a Viennese waltz, and then, over time showcase some serious popping and locking.
Note to self – buy book on popping and locking.