I have been plagued by an annoying thought for the past few months.
My website simply loads too damned slow.
Partly it’s my fault – I have burdened this bitch down with tons of scripts, images, and customization. I’ve tried various solutions to decrease load time like eliminating extraneous functionality, moving my server to a cloud, combining image sprites, caching stuff, and all sorts of nerd crap. Nothing works.
Today, I came to a realization. I need to redesign the mofo.
I plan on working on this pretty much nonstop until I get it done. It could take days, weeks, or maybe even a month or two. Add that to my day job and the band I play in, girlfriend responsibilities, and the posting I do each day. I’m going to be busy.
The new design will be simpler and cleaner. I also plan to have an adults-only section with a live webcam hooked up in my standalone shower so you can see me using shower gloves on my magic. You’ll have to pay $1.99, but you can swing it. You’re not that poor.
My biggest challenge is in graphic design. If you have suggestions of what imagery might suit my personality and writing style, I’m all ears. If you don’t have suggestions, I’ll just go with what I think is coolest. Which may or may not be coolest. Remember, I used to wear tight jeans thinking it would impress chicks.
For example – the slider at the top of the homepage. I love the slider. I think people dig it. But I’m not sure whether to keep it or not. It takes up real estate.
Also, my logo – it needs to be redone. Again, I have no thoughts. Nor any good jokes right now.
Since this will affect you, my readers, I implore you to give me suggestions. But whenever I ask for suggestions I never get any. It’s a weird, antithetical situation. I write about how cotton balls gross me out, and everyone replies. I don’t get it.
So, since I desperately need feedback, and you never do what I ask, I command you to NOT comment below with thoughts and suggestion. While I’m at it, you must never send me homemade confections or size 13 Italian loafers. Also, no nude photos. Oh wait, this is the opposite thing, so let me clarify.
Guys – send TONS of nude photos.
Okay, I’m done. Time to sleep and dream of CSS and PHP and HTML. Also taking the big exam in college when I didn’t study or go to class all semester.