Stuff That Just Entered My Mind Tonight

by D.J. Paris on January 11, 2013

You about ready for cutest thing you’ve read all day?

My friend Suzanne and I (that I’ve known since the fifth grade) pick a movie on Friday nights and then both download it. She lives in Dallas, I’m in Chicago. We watch it and send texts to each other throughout the film. I will complete your next thought – yes, right after the movie I go and shave my vagina.

Now, onto other news.

I just figured something out in this, my thirty-sixth year. I’ve written extensively about how, since I don’t drink, I get high off pizza. Then, like when I did drink too much, I’d crash by 11pm. Well, I think the cycle of self-destruction has finally been broken! I figured out that I can still eat a whole frozen pizza if I buy a thin crust. This works perfect as it gives me the manly satisfaction of “beating” the pizza with only two thirds the calories. I’m still sleepy but I’m not passed out in the dog bed in the family room.

I almost rode my bike to work today. It was in the fifties and last night I was really excited to be able to do this as I’ve received no exercise since November. Well, that’s not technically true, but close enough. I even woke up extra early to put on all the warmer clothes, get the suit into the pack- thing, etc. When I looked outside it was raining. Instead of shaking my fist at the sky and yelling at Jesus for his misdoings, I simply put on my suit, strapped the dog in the backpack and stepped outside to walk to the subway. I didn’t use an umbrella as an act of defiance. Jesus must be taught a lesson!

The other day I sold my old laptop on Ebay. Tomorrow it goes into the mail to the new owner. I’m not terribly convinced I can wipe out all the personal data I have on there. I’m pretty sure that person is not going to be happy to see four gigs of Brazilian leg worship videos.

I’m kidding, of course. My life is so boring I had to make up those words as I don’t know if such a thing exists. I’m not a sicko. Really.

I definitely get a little buzz each time I give my cat her nightly Prozac. It’s a transdermal gel that I rub into her ears. The directions recommend that you wear surgical gloves during the application but I only wear one type of gloves and you know this – shower gloves. So, it’s nice to get a tiny contact hit off the goo. My neurotransmitters are thankful.

Lastly, I’m joining the single people of this world once again. Without going into details my girlfriend and I have decided to call it quits for now. This has been ongoing for many months and we’ve been traveling through it together in support. We’re both on the same page, and most of the sadness has been processed. After two consecutive holidays without each other, I’m beginning to see that this isn’t the end of the world. So, I imagine I’ll have a date or two coming shortly. While I rarely talk about people I know, if they’re truly nuts, the stories will wind up here. Can’t wait.

Will Wanted Billboard

I want to make fun of this guy, but I can’t. Yes, this is douchey, but it also takes balls. I’m torn. Help me!

photo credit: numberstumper via photopin cc

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15 comments… read them below or add one

Brenda January 11, 2013 at 9:36 pm

Okay, I almost choked on a spring roll while reading this. REALLY
I’d like to be your Editor for a couple of paragraphs.

1st No one I mean no one shaves their vagina. It’s inside a woman. I’m sure you already knew that (thinks to way back when) but vagina just sounds funnier right?
2nd Unless you were watching a ‘chick flick’ why would you even think of doing that?
3rd Now you’ve made me forget…Oh yes the Prozac…your neurotransmitters…Oh what the hell ENJOY

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Joanne January 11, 2013 at 9:54 pm

It’s okay to talk about your addiction to Brazilian leg worship videos. This is a safe place.

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Kianwi January 11, 2013 at 10:20 pm

I’m sorry to hear your relationship ended! Hugs to you.

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Kellee Farr January 11, 2013 at 11:08 pm

Sorry about your mangina, happy for your new direction. Can’t wait to read all the posts to come.

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heidi January 11, 2013 at 11:32 pm

Trying to figure out calories on a simple piece of pizza is never straight forward. It will list an amount for a 1/8 of the pizza. I really don’t want to rely on an elementary school math chart to guide me through my dinner plans, so I think you’re smart with going with the thin crust.
Also didn’t know there was Kitty Prozac. Makes sense though…
Yes, the billboard is douchey, but maybe he felt online dating was too impersonal and boring. Maybe women who choose the father of their children by copying a billboard phone number, drinking coffee while steering with their knees at 75 miles an hour, are much more of a turn on for him. Who knows.
Great Post.

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Kat January 12, 2013 at 6:02 am

So many worthy subjects; it’s hard to know what to comment on……

First, I’m sorry about the breakup but it sounds like you’re going to be okay. Your billboard: Single man who enjoys a good thin crust pizza and had a soft spot for long Brazilian legs…….

Second, I’m sure that Jesus is sorry about the whole raining on your exercise plans thing.

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Sista Sertraline January 12, 2013 at 8:56 am

The term you looking for is labia majora. And minora, if it’s a particularly thorough shave. And the correct collective medical term for all of it is minge. You’re welcome.

One of my cats sometimes tries to lick under my armpit :-s Do you think he is trying to get a hit of my meds?

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Lovelyn January 12, 2013 at 12:04 pm

Why do you even want to eat a whole pizza? It just seems sickness inducing.

Sorry about your relationship. Breakups are tough, but you’ll be back in the game before you know it. Maybe you should get your own billboard too. Women love men with billboards.

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Sharona Zee January 12, 2013 at 7:00 pm

I’m a bit sad that I looked over your Billboard Bachelor a l-i-t-t-l-e to carefully instead of laughing and moving quickly on…

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Michele January 12, 2013 at 7:24 pm

Sorry to hear about the split. But I am sure you will bounce back. You’re a bouncy kinda guy. Oh geeze, that sounds like I’m calling you fat. I’m not, but eh. Now that I know you possess a vagina, it’s safe to assume you will take any comment as an insult, the way we vagina owners do.

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Andrea January 12, 2013 at 7:48 pm

VAGINALLY someone else admits to shaving their vagina.

Sorry for that. And your break-up. Stop looking for the one. She’ll show up. Don’t be that guy on the billboard.

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Azara January 12, 2013 at 8:43 pm

Strapped the dog in your backpack on your way to work? Now I’m curious if you’re referring to a real dog or if I’ve missed some important new slang in urban dictionary. I appreciated your defiance of Jesus. I once peed my bed to teach my mom a lesson about making me stay in my room until 6:00AM on weekend mornings. Authority must be resisted (I’d like to say something else like puck the folice, but I don’t know you well enough to subject you to my potty mouth with no warning).

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Kate Hall January 12, 2013 at 11:56 pm

Sorry to hear about you and your girlfriend. Glad it was mutual and that you’ve been able to process it.

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Sandra Jeanne February 12, 2013 at 12:22 pm

Everyone’s being rather nitpicky, don’t you think? I’ve always called it shaving my pussy, without once wondering if I was being anatomically correct. The girlfriend thing? Might as well save some steps and go right for the billboard (though that option seems a bit pricey). Nothing else works.Just kidding, but let’s get real. She won’t approach you walking your cute dog, you won’t find her online, you can’t go to bars (despite what everyone says, people do meet and start relationships there). You could always attend AA if you don’t, Good luck.

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iexistthatisall May 10, 2013 at 1:18 pm

I refer to my private area as my va-jay-jay (& YES, I shave it). It is commonly referred to as the “vaginal area”, so all these type “A” , anal people need to take a chill pill & enjoy the humor! I prefer thin crust pizza anyway, but have only ever managed to eat half of one, unless it’s the cheapy .98¢ Totino’s pizza (Pepperoni, please) & I’ve starved myself for the day. It’s so hard to find someone compatible enough to stay with for long run, so when I experience break-ups I just try to identify what went wrong so I can avoid making the same mistakes next time. For instance, I’m a bleeding heart. I want to FIX everyone, but I’ve learned I can’t. It took a long time for me to get that & I sustained a great deal of personal injury as a result. So now I BASK LOVINGLY in my singledome! I am HAPPIER than I’ve EVER been! ;)

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