Low Self-Esteem is Pretty Great, Actually!

Low Self Esteem
Yes, I'm about to ease your suffering. Prepare yourself.
Low Self Esteem
Yes, I’m about to ease your suffering. Prepare yourself.

Nobody ever talks about the advantage of low self-esteem.

The best part of thinking that you’re a piece of subhuman garbage is that you learn how to obtain validation from others. Sure, it’ll land you in therapy after twenty or thirty years when you suffer a nervous breakdown, but there’s some benefit along the way.

I’m often described as likable and cheery. I learned that when you’re likeable and cheery, people (especially strangers) prefer that over prickly-types. Nobody idolizes the jerk who shuffles onto the subway pushing his way past everyone because he has to stand RIGHT THERE GODDAMMIT. When this award-winner  comes onto the scene at least a few riders start fantasizing of jerk’s  heel getting caught in the space between the door and the platform while his leg rips clean off.

Should  this ever happen in my presence I will scan the subway car to find the others that are smiling as he hops around looking for his foot. Then I’ll Instagram it and hope it gets a few likes.  Because I have low self-esteem.

In reference to the aforementioned self-esteem issue, I’m speaking more in the past tense. I have put to bed a lot of the awfulness that I used to think about myself. Turns out it was just some old programming accidentally installed. Awesome that it took 33 years for me to address, but whatever. Some dudes have to deal with baldness which I assume sucks way worse. So, just so you don’t think I’m a complete sad sack, I woke up a few months ago realizing that I actually dig myself. Now, let’s go back to before then.

I learned as a youngster if you want to get validation from others you have to learn how to make others  feel great. That Dale Carnegie book is written exclusively for us low esteemers. Should have been named “How to Win Friends and Feel Awesome That You Just Won Friends Because Who Would Want to Be Friends With You?”

The key to being liked is not to be the best storyteller. I can’t tell a story for dick. But I listen real good. And ask a lot of questions. Let’s explore how and why.

When you listen to people and actually show interest in what they’re all about, they will like you. Full stop. It just works. Yes, I guess it’s possible to freak someone out if you go too deep too fast. But over time you’ll hone your skill-set and learn how to ease someone in. I met a guy recently who built his own dry age oven and cooks ribeye steaks for 60 days. Guess how proud he was of his device? Guess who asked him 17 questions about how he built it? (answer – the first dude was him and the second was me.)

Another example. Last night I ran into a woman at a dinner party who I had met once before. I didn’t remember her name, nor she mine, but when we saw each other she exclaimed, “I’m the social worker! We talked all about social worker  stuff for an hour!” She was smiling. I remember at our first meeting going, “What does a social worker do?” From there she was hooked – app, entree, dessert.

I love finding out what people do and where their passions lie. So, I ask a ton of questions. I don’t give a shit about the weather or the local sports team. I go for the jugular. Uh, if the jugular is the thing that’s full of good feelings because I ask a lot of questions that make you feel good. (I don’t really understand physiology.)

When people, however, start asking me about me, I get uncomfortable. Because I don’t like myself, duh. Let’s focus back on you!

It’s interesting, however, because my fascination with others comes from a genuine place. And each person I meet has unique passions and interests. I make it a mission to find out what gets you off. It makes me feel connected and intimate. And validated.

Now, my therapist would say this social strategy is unhealthy, contrived and controlling. She’s right, of course. I mean, she has a PhD from Northwestern. That’s a really good school. Her advice is to let conversations evolve naturally. Screw that – I’m a wizard at this shit. Wait – no. Let’s go with alchemist. Sounds better.

You know on those Myers Briggs tests where you’re asked if after a party you’re energized or exhausted? I’m energized. It’s not because I have some manic disorder where my dopamine doesn’t reuptake.  It’s actually really simple – since I don’t know how to make myself feel good, I’ll make you feel good, instead.  It’s a win-win. You will feel like I really care about you and I will feel validated  that I made you feel cared about. That jazzes me. And for a period of time I can ride that jazz and not have to deal with my self-esteem issue.

Well, the last part isn’t much of a win. But hey, I’m not like the… (Hmm – trying to think of a sports team that went undefeated to complete this win-win-lose analogy).

(…crap, I really don’t know sports.)

jazz pianist

8 thoughts on “Low Self-Esteem is Pretty Great, Actually!”

  1. Whitney says:

    This is an interesting take on the “asking questions” issue. I call it an issue because I’ve been having a debate with my friends lately about whether a person who doesn’t ask questions lacks empathy.

    The thing that gets under my skin the most with new acquaintances (and sometimes even old friends) is a conversation where the other person doesn’t ask any questions. At all. Except for the obligatory, “so how are you,” at the end of the monologue (if you’re lucky).

    I also hear from my (mostly) female friends that this is one of the biggest dating pet peeves.

    I wonder what it says about self-esteem if you like asking questions but get enraged when other people don’t.

    1. Puppet says:

      Actually I think you have a point with the empathy thing there.
      I HATE asking questions because I’m an awful listener when I don’t have a need for the info I’m asking you for – thing is I don’t like small talk.

      And..dun dun dun… I have SERIOUS lack of empathy. (Not for all things and beings, just in general.) I choose who I empathise with because its limited.

  2. Bouncin Barb says:

    Great post. I’m much the same way. The last person I want to talk about is me, me, me. Much more interesting to find out about others!!

    Following you on Facebook now as well. Hope to see you on my site sometime.

  3. Baroness says:

    I’ve found that because I now have no reservations about letting people know how awesome I am and all the ass I kick, a lot more people think I’m an awesome ass-kicker. There’s probably some psychological reason for it, but I’m too lazy to research it.

    Congrats on the escalation of your self-esteem!

  4. Kate Hall says:

    I read that Dale Carnegie book and loved it. It really helped me to win friends and I still use the techniques I learned 25 years ago – for real. They’re so ingrained in me that they come naturally. I learned to ask questions (like you said) because people (except you, apparently) LOVE to talk about themselves and I also learned that before I criticize I should start with a compliment. I can’t remember what else was in that book, but those were helpful. I’m fairly well-liked too. Smiling a lot helps too. I’m also an “eager laugh.” But now I just hide in my house and avoid people because I don’t like awkward situations. But put me in a situation where I know a lot of people well or am comfortable with and I’m totally energized at the end. Can’t wait for BlogU!

  5. Melanie says:

    Good stuff! I can relate on so many levels. I don’t like to talk about myself, either. Being a good listener works, because most people are extremely self-absorbed…. ‘I’ is their favorite word. Just look at Social Media sites – am I right?

  6. Anna says:

    I love your self-depricating humor. Great read! Going for the jugular part was something I relate to in a big way, screw the boring crap let’s get down to who a person is. I will definitely be subscribing!

  7. Ronnie Peace says:

    I’m sorry, I have to disagree. Wizards are way cooler.

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