Introducing Allison and D.J. Fix Your Stupid Problems – About Work

I always wanted a writing partner. One with boobs, preferably.

Well, let me back that up. Actually I have never wanted a writing partner.  I’m far too controlling and I believe my creative ideas are superior to others. Or, if someone was more talented than me and I knew it, the unconscious jealousy would cause me to undermine our efforts until the whole thing imploded. Plus, I just do not play well with others when it comes to comedy. Now, that being said, I’ve always still wanted to be around people as funny as me. Or funnier. Years ago I started writing for Aiming Low, when that was still a thing. I was hired on their JV squad with two other humorists. One is a syndicated columnist in 400 newspapers. The other received an “A” from Entertainment Weekly on her recent book. Both are insanely funny. When it was announced I’d be on the team, I became very scared. This is a good thing. It caused me to up my game and compete at their level. Someone thought I had enough potential with literally zero writing credits to my name. That meant something to me. And I wasn’t going to let them down.

These days I write for InThePowderRoom. I pestered the head editor and owner for years before they gave me a shot. In fact, I have a deadline this Thursday and I’m nervous as shit about it. But when I push send in a few days with the final draft, I know it’s going to be fucking awesome. Because that is our agreement. To send in something fucking awesome every month. And here’s the oddest part – it turns out that everything I’ve sent them has been great. It doesn’t take a logician to figure out why. Accountability and Community.

When I have a deadline, I’ll make it happen. When I’m around people funnier than me, I get funnier. Simple.

Okay, now let me take you back to a month ago when my last piece was published on InThePowderRoom. I received a very nice tweet from someone I didn’t know complementing the work. I’m a sucker for compliments, but I’m even more of a sucker for a pretty face. And this woman has one. So, because I’m a guy who likes pretty girls who compliment him, I tapped on her Twitter profile. Turned out she’s a writer, too. With a few impressive credits. I clicked on one. It was good. I read another. Also good. Actually, better than good. Really good.

I wrote her back and we started chatting. This was perfect timing as I was starting the hunt for someone I could write a monthly column with. I pitched her on an advice column. She readily accepted. Her name’s Allison Arnone and I’m excited to announce our first feature. Now, here’s where you come in.

We’re going to pick a topic each month, and you’re going to write in with your issues around it. For example, this month we’re tackling “work”. Maybe you’re curious if you should tell your boss off (you shouldn’t), or if it’s okay to sleep with your secretary (it’s not), or if Cindy in purchasing has it out for you (she doesn’t). Maybe you’re contemplating quitting the rat race and heading to your guru’s ashram in the Himalayas (bad idea). Or maybe it’s a family business and your sister is stealing from the till (catch her on camera and email the evidence from an anonymous gmail account). Whatever your problem is around the workplace, Allison and I are going to solve it.

Allison and I disagree on just about everything. I think she’s crazy, she thinks the same about me. This wouldn’t make for a good marriage, but it will make for a good advice column. Oh, and we have the exact same lamp. We figured this out by accident when I was bragging about a new lamp I had purchased. Some might call this a sign. I wouldn’t because I’m not a moron. It’s a coincidence. A cool coincidence.

So, here is the form where you can anonymously send in your issues regarding the workplace. Oh, and what makes Allison and I qualified to give you help about your workplace (or lack thereof)? Nothing. I mean, we both have jobs, so that’s something. But I’m confident we’ll give you the correct advice. Well, at least I will. Allison can be moody because she’s a girl and girls are moody. It has to do with moon cycles and tides and stuff. So, take her opinions less seriously. This is why she dislikes me by the way.

Once again, click here to submit your work issue. And don’t worry, we’ll be changing it up each month. I’m pushing hard for “body hair” for next month because, well, body hair is funny. But this month is work. So, send those issues in. Help is on the way.