Just kidding. They’re gross.
At BlogHer with 5k women present, 4902 of them were moms. There’s a lot of oxytocin floating around in the ether. Wait, does oxytocin float in the air like pheromones? Just Google’d it. Nope.
Anyhow, tons of mommers were at the conference and many of them are first-timers and new to the job. I call it a job because most of my readers are women and that sort of shit makes them feel good about me. Truthfully, the only types of jobs are the ones that generate income for the family. OH NO HE DI’INT!
That joke said in a roomful of BlogHer attendees would have resulted in a spent tampon being hurled at my face.
Mothers have the most important job in the world, in my opinion. But I also thought spaghetti came from the sea, so what do I know?
Since going through my divorce and three years of weekly therapy plus a ton of support groups, I have become quite compassionate. When someone shares intimately I can finally feel some of their sadness, joy, shame, or anger. I tend to be most receptive to sadness as I’ve dealt with a lot of that in the past year.
One of the topics of conversation heard time and time again was about mothers being away from their children for the weekend. I was amazed that many moms told me this was the first trip away. Apparently moms don’t get out much. This seems un-fun. I expected only a sad, depressing response so I was ready to feel their pain.
But when I asked several moms how they felt about being away from home I received polar opposite responses.
- Yes, I’m very sad and I miss my children terribly. It’s very hard to be here. Excuse me while I drown myself in the toilet.
- Thank God I’m away from those filthy monsters! It’s my husband’s problem now. Screw ‘em!
It seemed that the mothers who were sad were the ones that had never been away. And once they had spent a weekend alone leaving the kids with the lesser half, they were able to go on vacation without fear or shame. Dad isn’t going to let the children explode. And, even if he does, you can always make more! Our bodies are cool that way.
So, if you’re a mom that can’t stand the thought of being away from the little ones, you simply haven’t been away enough. Go ahead and leave them for a girls’ weekend down to Panama City Beach like you did sophomore year. Pick up a bottle of Schnapps and some glitter makeup and shake that ass at Senior Frog’s in your gross old mom jeans.
Let me put it to you this way. At BlogHer, Trojan was giving away free vibrators. There was also a booth with children’s vitamin gift bags. Which line do you think was longer for the freebies?
By the way, my girlfriend made me stand in that dildo line with ten other women. It’s a little creepy to have a guy listening to a short lecture on the different tongue-tips that Trojan now offers that stimulate four separate g-spots in a woman. But, I stood there and waited. I’m a great partner, no?
And I can’t wait to have children to then spend the weekend away from them. I’ll head to BlogHer with the girls.