I’m a Keynote Speaker at BlogU Conference this Year!

Is meeting me in person going to fulfill a life-long fantasy for you?

Judging by the number of people who show up randomly at my doorstep (zero) and those that I’ve needed to get a restraining order against (not one), I would assume I’m not on too many bucket lists. Which is okay, I SUPPOSE.

The capitalization there was meant to be read in a sarcastic tone as if to say, “It would be awesome to have at least one stalker.” Jokes are funnier when you have to explain them.

The fine people who run BlogU have asked me to keynote this year’s conference. And while I demanded my own dressing room (my hair stylist does NOT play nice with other hair stylists), I am not keynoting alone. Deva Dalporto of MyLifeSuckers and GG Renee from AllTheManyLayers will be sharing the keynote responsibilities with me. They’re bonafide big deals, so I’m in good company.

While I’m not sure I’m permitted to reveal anything about the conference (Who reads contracts? Not this keynoter!), I will tell you this. Someone is winning a boat. One of those long cigarette racing ones like in Miami Vice.

Now, I know what you’re thinking.

• Boats are a huge money pit!
• I live in the middle of Nevada!
• Ugh, now I have to study for the boat license exam?

If you’re not up for the task of boat ownership, you could donate it to the charity of your choice. I’m sure Toys for Tots would love a cigarette boat to give away this Christmas. Or do something radical like park it in the driveway of your eighty-eight year old grandmother with a huge bow around it! You can bet she’d be the talk of the sewing circle that month!

But if you decide to keep the boat, we do need to have a serious conversation. About proper hat attire.

You’re going to have to get one of those captain’s hats. Yes, I know – only a real dickhead would wear one of those. But, it’s part of the deal. Just as a motorcycle guy needs to buy a leather jacket and those stupid racing gloves, you need the hat.

I thought I had more to say about hats, but that was it. Okay, moving on. So, now that you’re virtually guaranteed a speed boat (WITH GUN MOUNT) and all that it will cost you is a $15 sailor hat from Amazon, it’s time to get your fanny in gear. Or, to use a boating phrase, you ought to push off from the shore. In non-sailor lingo, buy a damn ticket!

I believe almost all tickets are sold, so phone up your accountant, have a fireside chat with the family, consult the Oracle at Delphi, whatever. Just do it fast and give BlogU the few sheckles they require to attend. It’s about the best deal in blog conferences. I had already paid myself as a participant before they asked me to speak. I went last year and it was amazing. It’s small so you can actually meet everyone and build relationships. Also, afterwards you can seek out private boat-owner Facebook groups and get the low-down on dinghies.

Oh, and I’m turning forty on the first day. You can all stop me from jumping out the nearest high window as I take stock of my life on that pivotal day. Just come up to me and instead of saying, “Happy Birthday!” shake my hand vigorously while saying, “You’re doing great D.J. – really great!”

I’m joking, of course. What better way to spend my birthday than with throngs of adoring fans! (Don’t spoil this for me, reality)

And, if you want to take me out for some crab cakes I will gladly accept and then when you go to the bathroom I’ll pay the bill because that is a total power move!

A free boat and a free crab cake lunch. I wish I was you!

The conference is June 10th – 12th in Baltimore, Maryland. Sign up today!